Monthly Archives: November 2019

Bound

November 30th: Bound

First of all, I missed another day…I didn’t forget, I was just busy with my family. Sometimes we must prioritize.

Today, I am coping with the silence of this house after everyone has gone on their way. For someone like me, who generally enjoys being alone, I find myself a little bit out of sorts. There is nothing quite like knocking around in an empty house after everyone you love has left.

To remedy my loneliness, I called some people I love in hopes of cheering myself up. Instead, I found myself leaving each phone call more worried and sadder than I already was. These are people who are close, very close, to my heart. Both of them are making decisions that I don’t understand, and I know, I just KNOW, that if the situations were reversed, they would be equally as concerned and worried about me.

I hung up the phone and sat in my dark, empty house…unsure what more I could do. There is no one I can call to share these things with, there is no way to help. So, what do I do?

Here’s the thing: Life is hard sometimes. No matter how old we are or what we think we know, there are yet more lessons to be learned. I have often thought that it is more painful to witness someone we love going through a tough time than it is to be going through it ourselves. At least when you are in it, you can do something. When you are a bystander, all you can do is sit helplessly by and watch and wish you could think of the right words to get through to the people you love.

We are, all of us, bound by love to others in this world. It is what gives life to our lives- even someone like me, closed off as I can be, knows that. Sometimes that means sharing in the good things, and sometimes that means…just standing by, ready to be there when you are needed. It means checking in, reminding people of how much they are loved, and how much they matter. Sometimes it means telling hard truths, saying the words “You don’t sound like you’re okay, and I think I know what’s going on.” Sometimes it means rocking the boat a little bit. Sometimes love asks us to be a little more brave and speak up a little louder…even if it makes people defensive or angry. When you love someone, you need to recognize what is needed, and show up.

Today, if there is someone you love who is struggling, I hope you can see it for what it is. Rather than wonder, pick up the phone and let them know you are here. That you see them. That you love them. That even if they can’t talk right now, you’re gonna call again tomorrow, and the day after that, until they can. Life is hard, sometimes. Don’t let your loved ones think they are alone. And if you are hurting…open up when someone reaches out. Even if you’re ashamed or scared. Let someone in. We need each other so much more than we think.

Thanks-Giving — After The Party

Hi, guys! I started to make this a post for my other blog, but quickly realized this one belongs here, where my story has played out over so many years. I have a different voice, and a different story, and a different history here, and this one should live here. So here goes: I woke […]

Thanks-Giving — After The Party

This is a little different than the things I post here, but you can check it out if you want to. Happy Thanksgiving! Find something to be grateful for!

I Almost Forgot (AGAIN!)

As you can imagine, and I’m sure plenty of you can relate, I have been very, very busy today!

I had a regular work day, had lots of housework to finish up, then my mom came and we visited here at my house for a while before going out for dinner- I seem to have forgotten to buy food that didn’t directly involve Thanksgiving, so…And I am not one to be going to the grocery store repeatedly.

I am hitting the sack, gonna finish up this book I’m reading, snuggle with my kiddo, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be hectic.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, make sure you get some rest tonight. Prepare yourself for family interactions, if you’re having them tomorrow, and remember that your loved ones are only human- just like you. If they are hard to be with, try to remember that someday you might not have them around and you’re gonna miss this stuff. Be grateful for whatever you do have, and know someone, somewhere, would probably love to be in your shoes.

And for the LOVE OF GOD, leave the politics off the table, unless you are all on the same page. Life is just too short for that stuff. Wait until Friday to alienate everyone you love. LOL.

Talk to you tomorrow, kids.

Two Sides

November 26th: Two Sides

There is a me that I love, and a me that I struggle with. The side of myself that I love is quick to laugh, lighthearted, funny, and warm. The side of myself that I do not enjoy is cynical, angry, quick to take offense, difficult and sharp. She is always ready to fight.

I understand that the circumstances of my life, over time, have made both sides of me necessary for one reason or another. When times were hard, the darker side of me was my protector. Anger was easier than fear and kept people from getting too close. But the danger of living this way for too long is that it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. Times are not hard for me anymore, and I don’t need protection. I am not afraid, and I want those I love close to me. I don’t need to hide behind anger.

This morning, I have made a decision. It is time to remove the walls I have built around my heart. I will do it brick by brick if I must, but I am ready. I have done all this work on myself, and I sense that it is time to open up and start the work of repairing and strengthening the relationships in my life. Time is precious, and I’ve taken long enough.

I know that this is very specific to me, but I wanted to share it anyway…because I’m sure that there’s a part of you that you love, and a part of you that you wish you could change. Well, you can. And so can I. But it is going to take time, resolve, patience, forgiveness and love.

That’s what it boils down to, I think. Love. I want to be the part of me that I love, because that’s the part of me that understands how to love. And, even though love is at the core of every single thing I write here, it is still not always the easiest place in myself to access. I let too many things get in the way. Today, I am going to start dealing with that.

If you are reading this, I want you to think about the side of yourself that you love, and the side of yourself that causes you trouble. Which side has been in the driver’s seat? If you don’t like the answer you come up with, don’t despair- we become who we are for a reason. Be kind to yourself and see if you can get closer to the part of you that you want to be. Be patient with yourself, but firm. Let go of what no longer serves you. It’s time.

Extra Help

November 25th: Extra Help

Late post today- as is so often true around the holidays, I am busy doing all of the things I normally do, PLUS getting ready for Thanksgiving this week. Which I foolishly insisted upon doing at my house. Yikes.

Anyway, I had a scheduled appointment with my therapist today, and I almost didn’t go, but…the truth is, it was too late to cancel on her, so I just went ahead and got down there. I felt kind of blah and didn’t think I had much to talk about…I had my mind on the million other things I needed to do.

HA! Turns out, I had quite a bit brewing in this little head of mine, hiding beneath and behind all of my busy-ness.

We talked a lot about things I could control (my attitude, my responses) and things I could not control (how my mother feels about my housekeeping, how my daughter chooses to show up, or not show up, in the world) and a little bit about stepping back and getting perspective. All things I already know, things I talk about here all the time, but…you know, I’m human. I find it easier to look out than look in sometimes. Aside from these little moments of inspiration and clarity I try to grab onto as they slide by, I’m just a bumbling little soul in a skin suit, freaking out because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

I love my therapist. I have been with her for a long, long time now, and I will tell you this- there is no substitute for a therapist that you click with and have built a rapport with over years. It can be hard to find that, but I think it is truly worth the search. I see her more often when I am struggling, and sometimes as seldom as once a month when I am doing well. She has been with me since before I finally got clean, and through the darkest of dark times. She reminds me often, when I am nitpicking myself, of how far I have come and how much I have grown. She knows alllll of it.

Today, I want to remind you that the holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. The minute you hit adulthood, the holidays aren’t just about seeing your cousins and staying up all night trying to catch Santa coming down the chimney. There are awkward questions, hurt feelings, dry turkeys and drunk uncles. Or, you know, some rough equivalent of that. Don’t hesitate to carve out time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. I know not everyone has access to therapy, but I hope there is someone you can turn to when you need to vent. The better you feel, the more likely you’ll be to create magical memories instead of awful ones that you’ll need…well, therapy, just to get over.

Choices

November 24th: Choices

You know, the older I get, the more complicated my perception of myself has gotten. I sometimes feel like I am all of the things I ever was, at every point in my life, all at once. This is not the case. Though my past experiences shaped me, and the memories continue to influence my decisions today, I am not the same person I used to be. I am this person, sitting here, now.

Look, we all have experienced trauma. We all carry painful memories, things that were our fault, and things that most definitely were not. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

At a certain point, you have some choices to make. Do I want to be so married to my pain that I let it become my identity, or do I want to take the reins and forge a new way forward for myself? For me, at least, the answer was easy. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore of being who I was. Sure, there was a lot of pain involved in changing, too, but at least it was different pain. Pain with a purpose. Growing pains are no joke.

The other day, I was laying in my bed reading, and something popped up…some memory that made me uncomfortable, I don’t know what it was. And I just thought to myself “I forgive you for everything, for all of it…every single thing you did, every minute. I forgive you.” It was the most random thing, but I felt so peaceful afterward. In that moment, I made the choice to do something different. Instead of dwelling, I addressed my feelings of shame with forgiveness. Now I remind myself of that choice each time one of those memories tries to ambush me.

I could use a lot more words here to explain to you why, though you are entitled to your pain, it might not be serving you. How it’s your job to address your issues no matter who caused them, even if that isn’t fair. That the energy you pour into beating yourself up or reliving the past could be used on forgiving yourself, letting go, and starting again. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Today, if you are reading this, I hope you know that the choices you make today matter a thousand times more than any you made in the past. So make good ones.

Slow & Steady

November 23rd: Slow & Steady

Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that I missed a day- already! And though I could formulate a million reasons why, the truth is…I just plain forgot. Lately, I’ve been writing in a willy-nilly fashion, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. I guess I thought I wrote something yesterday, but I did not. My friend Peter checked in on me to make sure I was okay (he thought I must be dead, I guess, since I didn’t write.) When he found out I was okay, he suggested that I write a piece about time travel, and I guess try to convince you all that I was writing from yesterday? I figured just admitting I forgot would suffice. But thanks, Peter! 😊

Okay, now, back to the other stuff.

So, today, I was given the rare gift of calm- a quality I know almost nothing about in any quantity at all. Sure, I have moments of it here and there, but today, almost all day, I have been utterly…calm.

I did not feel the pervasive drive to go, go, go that I normally do, but I wasn’t just sitting around procrastinating and feeling miserable, either. I actually got a LOT done, but all of the crazy pressure I normally put on myself was absent. It was great. I don’t have a clue why I felt this way or where it came from, but boy am I grateful.

And now that I know what that feels like, it will be easier for me to recreate it, you know? Looking around at my spotless (well, almost) living room, listening to the dishwasher do its thing off in the kitchen, and knowing that I did all the things I did today with not a bit of my frantic attitude ruining it. What a breakthrough!

Reminds me of that old story about the fox and the hare…well, not really. I can’t exactly remember that story fully. But I do remember the saying “Slow and steady wins the race.”

There might be something to that after all.

My hope for you, if you are reading this, is that you are given the gift of discovering something new about yourself. If you are, like me, a relentlessly driven mad-person, then I hope you wake up tomorrow and suddenly find yourself calm. If you are grouchy, may you wake up happy and joyful. If you are lazy and unmotivated, may you wake up energetic and ready to go. All of those things really are inside of each of us. Sometimes they just need to be discovered.

Ubuntu

November 21st: Ubuntu

So, if you have no idea what that word means, you are not alone. Pardon me while this gets a little bit weird, won’t you?

I woke up this morning, and as I was standing there, groggy and bleary eyed, trying to gather the things to make coffee, I noticed that the word “ubuntu” was repeating itself over and over in my head. Not only was it repeating itself, but I could see it, spelled out, in my mind. I did not have the first clue what that word meant, or even if it was a word at all.

So, I got my coffee going and I did what anybody would do when they want to find something out- I googled it. “What is ubuntu?” I typed out. Much to my disappointment, I learned that it was some kind of computer operating system or something. I scrolled for a bit, thought it over, and tried again- “meaning of the word ubuntu”.

And there it was. Apparently, it’s a South African word that means a quality that includes the essential human virtues; compassion and humanity. From what I gather, it is something like…I cannot be happy when I am making someone else unhappy. I cannot truly be happy in the presence of suffering. I am one piece of the collective whole…my actions matter. It is the quality of being human, expressing warmth. It is the divine spark of goodness inherent within each being.

So…that’s kinda weird, right? Not the concept, the concept is amazing. I mean the fact that this word found its way into my head this morning. I wondered if perhaps it was part of a meditation I’d done in the past, but I tried searching for it and couldn’t get an answer. Either way, it’s pretty obscure. And pretty cool.

Especially when I tell you this: Last night, I stopped by the store to grab a rotisserie chicken and on my way in, a homeless man outside stopped me. “Can you help me out with some food?” He asked. I paused, surprised. Normally I’m asked for money, so this was different. “What kind of food?” I asked. “I don’t know…maybe some bread and lunch meat?”

So, I didn’t hesitate. I was happy to do it. Normally, I wouldn’t even talk about something like this because, to me, announcing a nice thing you’ve done just takes all of the good out of it. I’m only bringing it up because it fits into all of this. Cam and I went into the store and we had a ball. We got bread, roast turkey, a hot chicken quarter from the deli (plus my rotisserie chicken, of course). We got brownies, mayo, mustard…just a bunch of stuff for this guy.

At the end, when I paid for it, I got a little twinge. I felt like maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m trying to save money, it’s the holidays, I’ve been spending too much…but nevertheless, I felt good when I handed him the bag. Cam asked why I was smiling, and I said “Because it makes me feel good. No one should have to go hungry.”

I allowed myself to worry a little as I fell asleep last night, though. I need to be more responsible, etc., etc.

This morning, I woke up with this word in my head. I think it was a sign that I did exactly what I was supposed to do, to be honest. I think it had more than one meaning, honestly, but for now, let’s stick to this one.

When I logged into my bank account this morning, I saw that a check for a few hundred dollars had been deposited into my account. Imagine that.

There are forces at work in our lives that are far bigger than we are. So many things, both seen and unseen, that move us along our paths. When someone asks for help, give it if you are able. You and I are both part of the collective whole…what we do matters. It matters more than we might ever grasp on this plane of existence. Believe that all will be well, that all things work out as they are meant to and be one of the helpers. Never entertain doubt that your efforts are wasted or unwise. I have a feeling they mean a great deal.

Whack-a-Mole

November 19th: Life is But a Game of Whack-a-Mole

If you are anything at all like me, you will understand the title of this post.

Look, I didn’t make the rules, I’m just over here trying to deal with life the best I can, stay grateful, nurture my spirituality, do things that feed my soul, give my love and my time to the young people I did most of the work creating, meditate daily, and share the little nuggets of “wisdom” I’ve gleaned with whoever wants to read it.

Also, I have to eat, work, sleep, and do the drudgery of a 50’s housewife without any Valium at all and no husband to deal with…so I guess that’s kind of a win?

My point is, and I swear that I do have one, there are pieces missing from that list. “How can that be?” you might wonder, “There are already so very many things on that list for one small person in one short day!”

Yeah, you’re right! There is! That’s what I’m getting at- While I’ve been over here trying to be a super mom and a kick-ass employee who also has this crazy spiritual side of her going on, I haven’t exercised in like…seriously, I don’t even know. I don’t count walking my dog because that’s really for her, and she stops to sniff things way more than we are walking, so…

Also, my house, which is always pretty gnarly, has really been suffering lately. I got the laundry kind of under control, but I don’t know when I cleaned the bathroom last. I finally washed my sheets today, and I flat out refuse to tell you how long its been since that last happened. Mostly because I can’t remember. The dishes get done regularly, yet there are always more. My car is so dirty right now that if I run out of windshield wiper fluid, I don’t think I’ll be able to drive.

Basically, whatever I am excelling at, you can bet your ass that there are just as many things that are being left undone. Add my ADHD to the mix, and it’s just a confusing half-finished project of a life. Also, I have no idea where my keys are and I’ve been missing one shoe for so long, I think maybe I just need to throw its mate away. So that’s my life, in a nutshell. A big-ass whack-a-mole life.

Today, if you relate to anything I’ve just said…first of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s like this, and I don’t know how to fix it, BUT! Take heart! I think it’s like this for everyone, whether they talk about it or not. I’m sure it’s a spectrum, and some of us are a bit more harried than others, but it’s okay! We are all just children stumbling around in these adult bodies with credit cards and secret feelings of inadequacy. This is as normal as it gets, folks. Maintaining balance is a myth. So relax. Just pick up the mallet and hit the mole that’s closest and call it a day. And if no one has told you lately, I think you’re doing a pretty good job.