Category Archives: Mindfulness

Give

December 10th: Give

This time of year, we are bombarded with requests to give what we can to others. We have a United Way drive at work, the Salvation Army dudes are out ringing their bells, our mailboxes are filled with envelopes asking for money. And you know…if you have it to give, it is a nice thing to do. But not all of us have it like that, especially around Christmas time. We have families to travel to, gifts to buy, dinners to plan.

You know what you always have to give, though? Yourself. Your time. Your ears and your arms and your love. Just by virtue of being the beautiful person you are on this planet right now, you are a small but mighty giving machine.

A girlfriend of mine is going through a terrible time right now. I know she is scared and sad, lost and confused. There’s not a lot I can offer her that will make anything better…but I do have time. I have that. So, I went and sat with her for a while the other night. I promised to keep my ringer turned on for her, and I have. I keep checking in with her several times a day.

A young friend of my daughter’s is also really struggling right now. Lots of heartache and hurt, all the pain of growing up compounded by feeling abandoned by their family. I spent a good hour just talking about stuff with them yesterday. Offering the wisdom I’ve gleaned over the years, and letting them know that they are doing an excellent job. And that I am here, always.

Yesterday, I helped an elderly woman pull her garbage cans in. She had a really long driveway, and she was trying to pull in the cans while walking with a cane. I was running super late and I had yelled at Camryn for going so slow, and I sat there at the stop light, and it hit me- this was one of those moments where I could just go on with my day- no one would ever know the difference, right? Or…I could do something decent. I pulled up, jumped out, asked if I could help. I put her cans by her porch, said goodbye, and went on my way. It took less than a minute.

The thing is, acts of service feed our souls. These things do not feel like chores by any means. I love being there for my friends, I love having this young person turn to me and feel safe talking to me. It makes me feel useful and connected and…loving. The love I give somehow fills me rather than takes anything away. Giving fills me up.

I don’t know about you, but that five or ten bucks they take out of my paycheck doesn’t make much of an impression on my heart. Showing up for people always does. Always. Without fail. If you don’t think you have anything to give, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Give a smile, a hug, a moment of your time. Make someone’s day a little brighter. Make someone feel seen, heard, acknowledged. You have so much to give…if you are feeling a little empty, try to give a little of yourself. See how that feels.

What Do You Owe Yourself?

December 9th: What Do You Owe Yourself?

Recently, I saw some great stuff about self-care not always being about bubble baths and pedicures and let me tell you this: I agree wholeheartedly! Indulging ourselves from time to time is absolutely important, and you should make time for these things, yes- but is that truly the essence of self-care?

Uh-uh. No, not by a long shot.

As the little blurb I saw went on to say, sometimes self-care really means taking care of your finances, sticking to a budget, giving up some luxuries you don’t need so that you can accomplish something you do need or want.

Sometimes self-care means taking a good hard look at the negative patterns in your life and figuring out where it started, or, more importantly, when you are going to see it end. Caring for yourself means to look after yourself the way a good parent would- limiting your intake of bullshit and putting yourself in time out when you are acting up. Being loving, but firm.

Self-care means getting your shit together. Facing your problems. Seeing yourself as you truly are and owning that- not blaming it on your terrible childhood or your ex-boyfriend, your trauma…because the truth is, we ALL have trauma. We are ALL recovering from something that has wounded us. There is not a soul on this earth who doesn’t carry scars.

Getting better, healing- it’s a lot of work. It’s a job that never ends. Not everyone is even aware enough to undertake it. Lots of people are comfortable with their familiar routine of turning a blind eye to the truth, hiding their heads in the sand, identifying with their less than ideal lot in life.

I’m going to tell you something- the past five years of my life have been the hardest, the most grueling years I have ever known. They have also been the most rewarding and happiest. The work I have put in…when I look back, it blows my mind. While I was going through it, it seemed bumpy, sure. But when I look back at all of it, it’s hard to believe I made it through. But I did, one slow step at a time. No one will ever know, really, except for me, the things that went on…because 90% of it was internal. Yet I am more proud of the way I cared for myself, the way I carried myself, through that, than I am of anything else I have ever done.

So…what do you owe yourself? You owe yourself the best life you are capable of giving you. That will look different for every person reading this, but…I encourage you to really ask yourself “How’s it looking?” and “Where am I now? Where do I want to be? How do I get from here to there?”. Look, this is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. This is your life, right now. Take care of you. And I don’t mean taking a bubble bath.

Yesterday & Today

December 7th & 8th : Yesterday and Today

When it is very, very early in the morning- long before most people have risen, and long before the sun decides to make an appearance…I can sit and write and feel like I am telling a secret to a room full of sleeping people. It makes no difference, because no one is listening anyway.

But if I wait too long, I lose my nerve, I suppose.

Also, the day begins to weigh me down. The things I have to do, the things I didn’t get to. It all starts to feel a little heavy to me, and so, by the end of the day I’m not much good to anyone. When you get up as early as I do, the end of the day comes a lot sooner.

I’ll tell you another secret, sleeping people…when it all gets to be too much, do you know what I have been doing lately? I have been scrolling through Instagram, looking at beautiful pictures of snow in Maine. I have an overwhelming desire to look out at the snow. Last night, I spent some time describing it to Camryn- what it is like when the snow falls. The silence, the utter quiet, of a snowy night. You can wake up and, without even looking out the window, know just by the light, by the silence, that the snow has fallen. And when you look up at the sky on a perfect night with the snow an unmarred blanket all around you, if it is clear, the stars look close enough to touch.

My heart is already gone. I am homesick for a place I have never lived. As good as my life is here, I am ready for something new. So, all of my energy and my resources, from this point forward, have to be dedicated to making sure I have the best possible chance of succeeding in giving myself this gift. I absolutely deserve to chase my dreams. We all do.

Is there something you want so badly that you can almost taste it? Some dream that seems inconvenient, but totally possible? What if I told you that inconvenience was a terrible reason not to go for what you wanted? The important things are not easy. We do not learn and grow from the mundane. We cannot stretch the boundaries of who we are by following the path of least resistance. It is, of course, up to you the way you want to live. But for me…the answer IS easy, even if the way forward is not.

Different

December 6th: Different

We cannot change the world- at least, not in the way we would like to, right? Every day, I am privy to crazy happenings all around the world…people doing the most heinous, awful things, things most of us cannot comprehend ever doing to another human being. Hell, my own government here in the US is so corrupt it is painful and stressful to bear witness to! If I could, and I think many of us would do the same, I would put a stop to. Just like that. “Hey! Knock that shit off! Didn’t your mother teach you better than that?” In my fantasy, it would be that simple.

The truth is, not only can we not change the world just like that, we cannot change most things. Almost everything is beyond our control. Even changing ourselves is very difficult.

Yes, you heard me right- me, the one who is always going on about self-acceptance is now talking about changing. Listen, you can love yourself exactly as you are while still working on yourself. As a matter of fact, I think that might be the only way we can create lasting change in our lives- by loving ourselves through it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t gotten very far by hating myself into change. Trust me, I’ve tried.

My point is, we can really only change ourselves. But when we make positive changes in our lives and become happier, it benefits everyone we come into contact with. You have no idea how you might inspire others by bettering yourself. I am constantly surprised by the people who tell me that my words have resonated with them, that they needed to hear what I had to say, that it made a difference in their lives. Even if I just make someone laugh, that’s still a positive vibe I helped create that wasn’t there before. What we do and say, the healing we pursue, the changes we make to evolve matter. A lot.

Today, I hope you can do one thing differently than you did yesterday. One thing that you wish you could incorporate into your life, one little thing that you think might make your life richer or more peaceful or just run more smoothly- I hope you take the time to do it. We don’t change our lives overnight. It’s always one small thing, one building block upon another. That is how we build the life we dream of. So…I challenge you to start here. Today, do something different.

Wrestling

December 4th: Wrestling

You know, I often catch myself doing the most useless thing- I wrestle with myself over my very nature. This evening, for instance. I had hoped, once I was off work, to go to this thing the next town over. It became very apparent to me, however, as the day wore on, that this would be unlikely. It’s ten after five here, and it’s already dark out. I’ve been feeling worn out and exhausted since one or two.

Yet…still, I want to wrestle with myself about going. Even though I know I’m too tired tonight to bother making dinner, let alone go traipsing through the dark and cold to do this thing. If I did go, all I’d be thinking about would be getting home, to a hot bath and a warm bed.

So…why in the world would I contemplate going? Sigh. I do not know. And there’s another thing to wrestle with myself about- why am I like this? Again, don’t know.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that there will never be a time in my life where I am any less ME than I am today. There will always be the good with the bad, the light with the dark. There will be days when I am too tired to participate, and times when I excel at everything I touch. This is just who I am. Courtney, for better or for worse, always, always, me.

So, it seems prudent to me that I get back to what I am always telling everyone else to do- accept the truth, and just love my little self exactly as I am each day. I certainly deserve my own affection. As you deserve yours.

Today- stop wrestling with yourself. Just give yourself a break. Love yourself exactly as you are, give yourself a little grace, a little tenderness, a little kindness. Who cares why you are the way you are? You just are. And we’re both gonna be just fine.

Pay Attention

December 3rd: Pay Attention

I posted a link to a video on Facebook yesterday, and pretty much everyone ignored it- look, I’m not blaming them. Few people can tolerate my weird obsession with animated films (especially Frozen and Moana, but also How to Train Your Dragon- the whole series) and probably they are all a little weirded out by the way I identify so much with the songs…oh yeah, the link I posted was to the song “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2. I didn’t even pay much attention to the song during the movie- I was too busy being totally blown away by the movie! But, yesterday, when I got in the car, instead of my podcast turning on, that song played itself from my Apple music list.

Anyway, as I listened to it, I just…started crying. I know, embarrassing, right? Camryn, who was in the backseat thought so. Whatever. After I dropped her off at school, I listened to it three more times on the way home. When I got home, I listened to it several more times, then watched the video on YouTube. I wasn’t sure why I kept listening, over and over, choking up every time. Then I realized something- the song was Elsa, singing to herself- the person she was looking for was her TRUE self. You know, I also used to get like that when I heard the song from Moana “How Far I’ll Go”. Another song about venturing out, beyond the places and things that are expected of you. Another song about self-discovery and pushing limits.

Do you see a theme here? I mean, other than the theme of me being a hopeless, sappy nerd?

If you can’t see it, I’ll just tell you- when I hear these songs, these beautiful stories set to music, they speak to my soul. To my heart. And my particular heart and soul have always longed desperately to roam and explore and see the world and see…everything that I can. My particular heart and soul have been longing to just be me, whoever that is, for my whole life. I have been all of these other things- this lost, screwed up woman trying to overcome addiction and trauma. This stable, dependable person I am today, checking all the boxes and coloring within the lines- (as much as I am able to). I have proven to myself that I am strong, and that I am capable. And now it is time for me to start becoming who I am and start pushing beyond what is expected of me.

If you pay attention, your heart and soul are always trying to speak to you. Maybe it’s a dumb (beautiful) Disney song, or some other song. Maybe it’s a commercial on TV that makes you choke up, or a line from a book that you can’t get out of your head and you aren’t sure why. Take the time to examine those things- in my experience, this is how our spirits speak to us. Little hints and hunches, tears in our eyes, shivers up our spines. It’s worth examining. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have adventures to plan. 😊

What If’s

December 2nd: What if’s

I have been beset with the “what-if’s” the past few days. I’ve been having such a lovely time with my life lately- enjoying friends and family, reveling in my clean little house, feeling quite content with my lot in life.

Suddenly, the idea of tossing everything I know up into the air and moving as far across the country as I could possibly go without leaving it altogether…seems terrifying! What if I’m making a giant mistake?! What if I’m horribly lonely? What if, what if, what if…?

Luckily, I remembered some very important things. And I asked these new “what-if’s” of myself: What if you stopped looking at everything as if it were the last thing you would ever do, and remembered that your life is made up of many parts, this being one of them? What if you remembered that you can, despite what the old saying tells us, come home again? What if you have the time of your life? What if, a year from this day, you are sitting at your desk, looking out of a snowy window, thinking “This is the most wonderful thing I have ever done?”. What if you just see how it goes?

Because I do, indeed, still want to go. I’ve checked in with myself, over and over again, and yes…the answer is still a resounding yes.

I’m scared to death. I’d be a fool not to be. This is a really big thing I’m planning on doing. But when I think back on all of the really big things I’ve ever done, they were also the greatest things I’ve ever done.

Look- we get one shot at this life, at least, as the person we are this go round. I have no idea who I’ll be next time, or if I’ll come back at all, or if I’ll be the sort of person that wants to do crazy things like pack up shop and move…everywhere. So, sure, fear is natural. But you cannot let it stop you from living the biggest, best, most joy-filled life you are capable of. So, I’m turning those “what-if’s” around, crossing my fingers, and forging ahead. ‘Cause what if this is the exact right thing? How will you know unless you try?

Friendship

December 1st: Friendship

I know a lot of people. Like, I am a friendly girl, and I’m always good for a laugh. I’m not hard to talk to at all.

But I would not say I have a lot of friends. Knowing a lot of people is not the same as being true friends with them, you know what I mean?

There is one weird little caveat for me- I have lived in this little town for about thirty years, with a few departures here and there. I have had some friends for so long that they aren’t really even friends anymore- they have become like family to me. So, we might not spend a lot of time together or see each other much, but when we do hang out, it’s easy and natural. So that really is a blessing.

But I have two or three girlfriends that I always enjoy spending time with, and when I can, I do. Today, I drove through a storm way out into the country to go to a tree trimming party at my friend Mary’s house. I was late, because I had to wait for Cam to get home, and I didn’t want to drive in that weather, but…I really wanted to see my friend. And I knew that I would feel better after hanging out with her and her family.

I wasn’t wrong. I got to laugh really hard two different times, I got to talk and be with people I like and have some fun. And now my spirits are lifted and my heart is happy. Simple little things, just being around people you genuinely like and enjoy, makes such a difference. Such a wonderful difference.

I hope you take these words to heart: Life is not long, it is sometimes hard, and in the world we live in, it can get very lonely sometimes. For all of the technology helping us “connect”, we forget the value of seeing the faces of people we choose for ourselves in real life…the value of sharing a laugh around someone’s kitchen island. And that’s a shame, because there is just no replacement for that. If you get a chance to be with your friends, you should take it. It might be just the lift you need to make it through the week. Make time for your friends. Make time to connect. Make time to laugh, and talk, and be in the same room with people. It’s a wonderful thing.

Bound

November 30th: Bound

First of all, I missed another day…I didn’t forget, I was just busy with my family. Sometimes we must prioritize.

Today, I am coping with the silence of this house after everyone has gone on their way. For someone like me, who generally enjoys being alone, I find myself a little bit out of sorts. There is nothing quite like knocking around in an empty house after everyone you love has left.

To remedy my loneliness, I called some people I love in hopes of cheering myself up. Instead, I found myself leaving each phone call more worried and sadder than I already was. These are people who are close, very close, to my heart. Both of them are making decisions that I don’t understand, and I know, I just KNOW, that if the situations were reversed, they would be equally as concerned and worried about me.

I hung up the phone and sat in my dark, empty house…unsure what more I could do. There is no one I can call to share these things with, there is no way to help. So, what do I do?

Here’s the thing: Life is hard sometimes. No matter how old we are or what we think we know, there are yet more lessons to be learned. I have often thought that it is more painful to witness someone we love going through a tough time than it is to be going through it ourselves. At least when you are in it, you can do something. When you are a bystander, all you can do is sit helplessly by and watch and wish you could think of the right words to get through to the people you love.

We are, all of us, bound by love to others in this world. It is what gives life to our lives- even someone like me, closed off as I can be, knows that. Sometimes that means sharing in the good things, and sometimes that means…just standing by, ready to be there when you are needed. It means checking in, reminding people of how much they are loved, and how much they matter. Sometimes it means telling hard truths, saying the words “You don’t sound like you’re okay, and I think I know what’s going on.” Sometimes it means rocking the boat a little bit. Sometimes love asks us to be a little more brave and speak up a little louder…even if it makes people defensive or angry. When you love someone, you need to recognize what is needed, and show up.

Today, if there is someone you love who is struggling, I hope you can see it for what it is. Rather than wonder, pick up the phone and let them know you are here. That you see them. That you love them. That even if they can’t talk right now, you’re gonna call again tomorrow, and the day after that, until they can. Life is hard, sometimes. Don’t let your loved ones think they are alone. And if you are hurting…open up when someone reaches out. Even if you’re ashamed or scared. Let someone in. We need each other so much more than we think.

I Almost Forgot (AGAIN!)

As you can imagine, and I’m sure plenty of you can relate, I have been very, very busy today!

I had a regular work day, had lots of housework to finish up, then my mom came and we visited here at my house for a while before going out for dinner- I seem to have forgotten to buy food that didn’t directly involve Thanksgiving, so…And I am not one to be going to the grocery store repeatedly.

I am hitting the sack, gonna finish up this book I’m reading, snuggle with my kiddo, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be hectic.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, make sure you get some rest tonight. Prepare yourself for family interactions, if you’re having them tomorrow, and remember that your loved ones are only human- just like you. If they are hard to be with, try to remember that someday you might not have them around and you’re gonna miss this stuff. Be grateful for whatever you do have, and know someone, somewhere, would probably love to be in your shoes.

And for the LOVE OF GOD, leave the politics off the table, unless you are all on the same page. Life is just too short for that stuff. Wait until Friday to alienate everyone you love. LOL.

Talk to you tomorrow, kids.