Category Archives: Parenting

Extra Help

November 25th: Extra Help

Late post today- as is so often true around the holidays, I am busy doing all of the things I normally do, PLUS getting ready for Thanksgiving this week. Which I foolishly insisted upon doing at my house. Yikes.

Anyway, I had a scheduled appointment with my therapist today, and I almost didn’t go, but…the truth is, it was too late to cancel on her, so I just went ahead and got down there. I felt kind of blah and didn’t think I had much to talk about…I had my mind on the million other things I needed to do.

HA! Turns out, I had quite a bit brewing in this little head of mine, hiding beneath and behind all of my busy-ness.

We talked a lot about things I could control (my attitude, my responses) and things I could not control (how my mother feels about my housekeeping, how my daughter chooses to show up, or not show up, in the world) and a little bit about stepping back and getting perspective. All things I already know, things I talk about here all the time, but…you know, I’m human. I find it easier to look out than look in sometimes. Aside from these little moments of inspiration and clarity I try to grab onto as they slide by, I’m just a bumbling little soul in a skin suit, freaking out because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

I love my therapist. I have been with her for a long, long time now, and I will tell you this- there is no substitute for a therapist that you click with and have built a rapport with over years. It can be hard to find that, but I think it is truly worth the search. I see her more often when I am struggling, and sometimes as seldom as once a month when I am doing well. She has been with me since before I finally got clean, and through the darkest of dark times. She reminds me often, when I am nitpicking myself, of how far I have come and how much I have grown. She knows alllll of it.

Today, I want to remind you that the holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. The minute you hit adulthood, the holidays aren’t just about seeing your cousins and staying up all night trying to catch Santa coming down the chimney. There are awkward questions, hurt feelings, dry turkeys and drunk uncles. Or, you know, some rough equivalent of that. Don’t hesitate to carve out time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. I know not everyone has access to therapy, but I hope there is someone you can turn to when you need to vent. The better you feel, the more likely you’ll be to create magical memories instead of awful ones that you’ll need…well, therapy, just to get over.

Whack-a-Mole

November 19th: Life is But a Game of Whack-a-Mole

If you are anything at all like me, you will understand the title of this post.

Look, I didn’t make the rules, I’m just over here trying to deal with life the best I can, stay grateful, nurture my spirituality, do things that feed my soul, give my love and my time to the young people I did most of the work creating, meditate daily, and share the little nuggets of “wisdom” I’ve gleaned with whoever wants to read it.

Also, I have to eat, work, sleep, and do the drudgery of a 50’s housewife without any Valium at all and no husband to deal with…so I guess that’s kind of a win?

My point is, and I swear that I do have one, there are pieces missing from that list. “How can that be?” you might wonder, “There are already so very many things on that list for one small person in one short day!”

Yeah, you’re right! There is! That’s what I’m getting at- While I’ve been over here trying to be a super mom and a kick-ass employee who also has this crazy spiritual side of her going on, I haven’t exercised in like…seriously, I don’t even know. I don’t count walking my dog because that’s really for her, and she stops to sniff things way more than we are walking, so…

Also, my house, which is always pretty gnarly, has really been suffering lately. I got the laundry kind of under control, but I don’t know when I cleaned the bathroom last. I finally washed my sheets today, and I flat out refuse to tell you how long its been since that last happened. Mostly because I can’t remember. The dishes get done regularly, yet there are always more. My car is so dirty right now that if I run out of windshield wiper fluid, I don’t think I’ll be able to drive.

Basically, whatever I am excelling at, you can bet your ass that there are just as many things that are being left undone. Add my ADHD to the mix, and it’s just a confusing half-finished project of a life. Also, I have no idea where my keys are and I’ve been missing one shoe for so long, I think maybe I just need to throw its mate away. So that’s my life, in a nutshell. A big-ass whack-a-mole life.

Today, if you relate to anything I’ve just said…first of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s like this, and I don’t know how to fix it, BUT! Take heart! I think it’s like this for everyone, whether they talk about it or not. I’m sure it’s a spectrum, and some of us are a bit more harried than others, but it’s okay! We are all just children stumbling around in these adult bodies with credit cards and secret feelings of inadequacy. This is as normal as it gets, folks. Maintaining balance is a myth. So relax. Just pick up the mallet and hit the mole that’s closest and call it a day. And if no one has told you lately, I think you’re doing a pretty good job.

Rest

November 17th: Rest

I pushed myself really, really hard yesterday. In addition to running all over town to pick up everything for Cam’s party, I had to wrap presents, make gift bags, bake macaroni and cheese, load the car and help Camryn get dressed and ready. And that was all before the party even started!

Being a mom is always my favorite thing- always. But being a mom on a birthday party day is stressful! Worrying about who will show up, trying to make it a good time, being in charge of a bunch of kids. Plus, I skated my buns off. So, by the time it was over, I was wiped out. I don’t spend a lot of time doing very busy, social things. It…drains me. A lot.

So, I went to bed very, very early last night. Of course, I woke up very, very early, too. I made my coffee and had an excellent cup, and then I thought “you know what? I’m not done sleeping yet.” So, I filled up my travel mug for later, and I did something I almost never do- I went back to bed.

And that is pretty much how my day has gone. Up, coffee, eat some leftover cake, go back to bed. Up, let Camryn in from her dad’s house, eat some leftover sandwiches, go back to bed. I finished a book and started another one. I checked on Cam, who slept for about three hours herself this afternoon.

I finally took a bath around dark, left to go to the store one time, and meditated just before sitting down to write this. I did not accomplish much today, not in the traditional sense, I guess. But I did rest. And that is not the easiest thing to allow yourself to do when there are a million other, seemingly more important things to be done. I needed it. I can’t begrudge myself this little thing that my body and spirit asked me to do for myself.

Today, or whatever is left of it…I hope that if you are tired, worn out, drained, that you can allow yourself to rest. Go to bed early or watch something trashy on TV. Take a hot bath, read a good book. The dishes can wait, trust me. They’ll still be there in the morning. Give yourself a little break. Goodnight.

Cheat Post

November 15th: Cheat Post

I promised myself I would write one post per day for one year. Well, this counts, right? I am dead ass tired and have little to contribute tonight.

My advice for the day? Be as kind as you can. Put your cart back. Say thank you. Give big hugs. Love yourself because you are super cute and adorable. Drink some water. Floss more. Go to bed early.

Oh, and if you have any library books, take them back. Those fines are no joke these days.

Goodnight kids. I’ll have something brilliant tomorrow. Maybe.

Family

November 12th: Family

I had planned to write something totally different today, but time got away from me, and by the time I sat down here (just now) I realized that I am way too full and sleepy to do justice to the topic I had been feeling like writing.

So now you’re getting this.

Riding on the tail of yesterday’s post, I really did take my own advice and make more of an effort to connect with my kids today. The minute I was off work, I had Cam come help me, and together we made two stunning little meat loaves, real mashed potatoes, and green beans. She’s been helping me out a lot in the kitchen…tonight, when she didn’t seem to want to, I came clean. I told her that I didn’t technically need her help, but that I just wanted to spend time with her. “If you don’t want to help, though, you don’t have to.”

She took off for a minute, but she soon wandered back, and helped with every step. While the meat loaf was baking and the potatoes were boiling, I sat down for a break. She asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee, which I did not, but…I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and I agreed to it. It was fun.

We ate a nice meal together (I was SHOCKED to see her grub down two helpings of meatloaf filled with peppers and onions!), chatted a lot, and after dinner, we called Aisley, my first favorite child, and filled her in on our night. It was the second time today that I called her, which is not unusual at all.

I love my kids. I love the little family I created. It’s amazing how someone who had no idea what the hell she was doing managed to bring such wonderful humans into the world. It’s kind of a miracle, honestly.

The family I started out with is scattered and missing some of its most important members. My grandparents, who I worshipped, have been gone for such a long time. My uncle died just over a year ago. My mom is far away. My dad and I are not as close as we could be. If it weren’t for my girls, I think my life would be very lonely. But I have them, and I’m so glad.

Family is very important, I think. I know not everyone has a wonderful family- there were times when I wasn’t able to provide much of one for my kids, for sure. But I had great friends who played all kinds of roles, and I learned that family doesn’t have to be blood, or look a certain way, for it to be just as valuable and anchoring. Family are the people who hold you up when you are struggling, the ones who check in, the ones who will tell you the truth even when it is hard. Your family, whether they share your DNA or not, are the ones who know who you are and love you anyway.

So, if you are reading this, I hope that you will take a minute to appreciate the family you have, whoever they are. Even if they get on your last nerve and you’ve heard all their stories five thousand times, be grateful for the ones who love you dearly. That kind of love is priceless. If you don’t believe me, think about what the world would feel like without them in it…sad, isn’t it? It might not be ideal, your family- we all have our shit, you know. But, for me at least, my family is the very best part of my life.

Connection

November 11th: Connection

This afternoon, I had some errands to run. I timed it rather poorly and found myself stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. Luckily, we didn’t have a time frame, so it was no big deal. But we wound up stopping in the tunnel between New Monterey and Old, and that’s when things got funny. Someone started honking their horn, and then someone else, and soon every single car in the tunnel was leaning on their horn. All the people in all of the cars were laughing their heads off. It was just a little thing, but it made all these perfect strangers feel…connected.

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection lately. In the world we live in today, we often substitute social media for real interaction. When someone calls, we let it go to voicemail, preferring to text. I have long, ongoing conversations with people over messenger, but the truth is…sometimes I need to hear the voice of my friends. I need to see their faces, watch their expressions, hear them laugh.

In my line of work, as a medical coder, I review anywhere between 80 to roughly 100 emergency room charts per day- about a days’ worth of patients for our ER. Out of those, I would say about 15 on average are people suffering a mental health crisis. Of those 15, nearly half, if not more, are young people. Sometimes startlingly young. Lots of times.

I have seen a sharp rise in these charts over the past few years. Maybe I’m just working faster, maybe I’m just paying attention, but…I don’t know. I have a hunch that there’s more to it than that. I have a bad feeling it has something to do with the way we are living- so much of our lives with our faces glued to screens, so little time doing the stuff that makes a life feel…like living.

When I sit here and I stare at this screen all day, with lots of breaks to stare at my other, littler, phone screen…at the end of the day, I just feel empty. I feel like…what did I just do with my day? But when I do what I did this past weekend- work on the house, meet a bunch of girls at a meetup just to visit, read a book, have lunch with my boss at her house to meet her new great-grandbaby, and play with her two year old great grandson- when I sit down and share a meal and a conversation, and I connect with people…I feel full. I feel seen. I feel energized and happy, and my day feels like it was well spent.

I can’t imagine that children, with their curious minds and their newness, their thirst to learn and grow, are very different. If anything, they need more connection than we do. I think not giving that to them affects their mental health, I really do. I think it affects ours. I don’t have any proof. I haven’t researched it or checked my facts. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I think it might have some merit.

Today, if you feel so inclined, I encourage you to start thinking of some ways that you can make more time for connection in your life. Meet a friend for coffee or to go for a walk. When the phone rings (if it’s not, you know, an unknown number- never answer those!) answer it. Someone might need to hear your voice. If you have kids, turn off the TV and read together, or draw, or play a game. Think about the things you remember lovingly from your childhood and do that. Maybe put your phone on the charger and let it just be a phone for an hour or two. Candy Crush will still be there when you get back. This is advice I certainly need to take myself, and I intend to. It won’t be easy…but I think it’s important.

Cozy

November 8th: Cozy

Today has been a funny day. The weather is finally acting properly- nice and foggy this morning, stayed cool all day, and now it’s a bit overcast as the evening rolls in. Work was cancelled about halfway through today because the software program we use kept crashing. So…kinda left me at loose ends.

I grabbed some take-out Japanese on my way home from picking Cam up, and just passed the afternoon picking at my bento box and diving into a good book. I’m sleepy, but in the best possible way.

There’s plenty of stuff that needs to be done around here, but it can wait a little longer. My plans for the evening involve nothing but fuzzy pajamas, my book, my bed, and maybe my TV. I worked very hard this week, and I think I shall reward myself with a long, luxurious, indulgent break. For now, I think I will see if Cam wants to read some of her book with me before she leaves for her Dad’s for the night. I just want to do cozy things tonight. It seems like the perfect night for it.

Wherever you are, I hope that you get the chance to have exactly the kind of night you want tonight- be it going out and dancing until dawn, having a romantic dinner with someone you adore, or just curling up on the couch with a blanket, your cat, and a great book. I’ve made it clear which option is most appealing to me. And with that, I am signing off for today. See you tomorrow!

Still

November 7th: Still

Most days, if I am lucky, I get a few moments of stillness- perhaps a perfect breath or two during my meditation, sometimes not even that. The rest of my hours are spent with my brain leaping wildly from one thought to the next- so fast, sometimes, that I have to gently remind myself to stop. Just stop. Take a breath, dude.

Lately, it’s been even more that way than usual. With my daily posts here, my participation in NaNoWriMo, my full-time job, my writer’s group, my children and my social media consumption…oh, and the stack of books I’m reading. Then there’s homework and dinners, shopping and planning for Cam’s upcoming birthday. My plate is full. And my head is even fuller.

Add to that the obsessing I am doing over this move…sweet baby Jesus, I’m making myself crazy. It’s almost as if I’m not really even here, on the West Coast, anymore. A part of me is already trying to be there, two thousand plus miles away.

I was walking Lucy earlier today, out strolling my normal path in the finally crisp Autumn air, and I had to remind myself that I am here. I am here now. I can’t be two places at one time. The time to be there will come, but for now, I am here. I pulled myself right back to the present, because this is where all the good stuff happens.

Today, despite this full plate, I have been blessed with peace and stillness. I don’t take this state for granted because it’s not a frequent visitor here. But my goodness, it sure is nice.

For you, I wish the same peace and stillness. I hope that, when your thoughts pull you miles away, you can come back to the present, where your life is unfolding. Today, may you remember that this day will never come again, and it is precious. Come back. Be here. Take a breath, dude.

Imperfect

November 6th: Imperfect

We had a bit of a bad night here last night. I’m not going to go into it, really, I’m just going to say this: I am not proud of my parenting. Also, I hate homework. Also, I really need to work on my patience…as usual.

I know I am not alone. Every parent who exists has moments where they wonder if they are capable of the job they are trying to do. Almost every parent I know will admit that they’ve lost their shit over homework once or twice themselves. It’s the end of the day, we’re worn out, and no one wants to be doing schoolwork after dark- not the kid, and not the parent.

I went to bed feeling like a jackass and I woke up this morning feeling bad, too. I was still dwelling on it on my way into the office this morning, as my car crawled along at a snail’s pace on the backed-up highway.

Out of nowhere I thought “What about all the stuff you get right, though?” and I was like “Huh?”, because when your head just starts talking to you like that, you have to take notice, right? So, my inner voice, the one that pops in when I really need help, goes “Why don’t you ever obsess over all the stuff you get right?” And I’m all “Well, I’m supposed to get things right, that’s why.” My inner voice rolled her eyes at me. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. “All I’m saying is, you get a lot more right these days than you screw up. Maybe you should give yourself a little credit.”

And that’s where the silent exchange ended, but I haven’t stopped thinking about that. I’m really good at beating myself up for times when I feel I have come up short. But when I get things right…and honestly, most of the time I do get things right, I don’t acknowledge it at all. Because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, so I don’t get a gold star for that. When I really think it over, it’s almost like I’ve set it up so that I can’t win. I’m like the world’s worse boss- happy to ream my own ass when I misstep, but never saying thank you to myself for all the work I do.

Listen, I am imperfect. Sometimes I lose my temper and I don’t like that- I’m trying so hard to change. But other times, lots of times, I work weekends so that I can take time off for doctor’s appointments that aren’t for me. I make special trips to bakeries to buy macaron’s because Cam wants to try them, and I am affectionate and thoughtful, open and giving with my kids. I say “I love you” more times in a day than I can count. Our house might be messy, but it’s truly filled with love, and my kids know that this will be their home no matter how far away they go or how old they are. They know they can come to me for anything, at any time. And that matters a lot. I need to make sure to take pride in that.

Today, if you find that you are being very hard on yourself, I hope that you can pause and think about all the things you get right. I hope you can see how far you’ve come, no matter how far you might feel you have to go. Just the fact that you want to do better says an awful lot about the kind of person you are. No one is all bad or all good- we’re just these fumbling, imperfect little humans, trying our best to be okay, and to love others, and to be loved in return. We are all imperfect. But the things we get right are many, and those things matter the most. I hope you can see that today and be kind to yourself.

Intention

November 4th: Intention

It’s not a big secret that I am an exceptionally moody person. It took me most of my life to understand that not everyone is ruled by their emotions. Some people- get this- can have feelings about something and still make sound judgement based on reasons that have nothing to do with that feeling. I know, it sounds crazy to me, too, but…it’s a real thing.

As I’ve grown older, even I have had moments where I realized that, while my emotions were certainly real, the decisions I felt compelled to make because of them were not what you might call…sound. I have what my therapist calls “Big Feelings”. I tend to be reactive, and highly susceptible to the moods and emotions of other people, too. I take shit personally. I have to be careful how much news I listen to, what kind of things I watch on TV, and even who I can be around for more than short periods of time. Certain people just drain me. Sometimes I drain myself. Me, I have a harder time getting away from.

As I’ve dedicated myself more and more to meditation, mindfulness, and changing the unhealthy patterns in my life, I’ve found that setting an intention for the day is incredibly helpful. To be honest, I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing when I started doing it, but now I see it. Intention is sort of an anchor that pulls me back to myself when my emotions start pulling me away. For me, what that means is, early in the morning, before anyone else is awake, and for sure before I step foot outside my house, I sit down on my cushion, and I pray. If you don’t pray, that’s not an insurmountable obstacle really- I think just sitting down, closing your eyes, and getting still would be sufficient. I always start with gratitude- another day alive and well, a fresh start, a working body…there are so many things to be grateful for.

Then I ask for healing, balance, and whatever I feel like I might need at that particular moment. Lots of times, it’s kindness, the ability to be the loving mother my children need. By naming these things, I am setting them right in the front of my mind. At first, it seemed like all that did was make me notice how far away I was from achieving those goals. Now, I have developed a knack for spotting opportunities to be exactly the person I want most to be.

There is a space now, between an action and my reaction. There is a moment when I get to decide who I will show up as next. Sometimes, I choose the wrong way. But more and more, I am left feeling proud of the choices that I make.

Today, before you walk out your front door, think about the person you want to show up in the world as today. Do you want to be calm, more friendly, more focused, less stressed? When you lay down in bed at night and think about the day behind you, what would you like that day to look like? This is the time to make that kind of day a reality. Don’t be discouraged if at first all you see is how badly you’re screwing it up- that’s kind of part of the process. Keep setting your intentions, keep pushing forward, and little by little, you’ll see yourself evolving ever closer to the person you are meant to be.