Category Archives: Relationships

I Almost Forgot (AGAIN!)

As you can imagine, and I’m sure plenty of you can relate, I have been very, very busy today!

I had a regular work day, had lots of housework to finish up, then my mom came and we visited here at my house for a while before going out for dinner- I seem to have forgotten to buy food that didn’t directly involve Thanksgiving, so…And I am not one to be going to the grocery store repeatedly.

I am hitting the sack, gonna finish up this book I’m reading, snuggle with my kiddo, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be hectic.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, make sure you get some rest tonight. Prepare yourself for family interactions, if you’re having them tomorrow, and remember that your loved ones are only human- just like you. If they are hard to be with, try to remember that someday you might not have them around and you’re gonna miss this stuff. Be grateful for whatever you do have, and know someone, somewhere, would probably love to be in your shoes.

And for the LOVE OF GOD, leave the politics off the table, unless you are all on the same page. Life is just too short for that stuff. Wait until Friday to alienate everyone you love. LOL.

Talk to you tomorrow, kids.

Two Sides

November 26th: Two Sides

There is a me that I love, and a me that I struggle with. The side of myself that I love is quick to laugh, lighthearted, funny, and warm. The side of myself that I do not enjoy is cynical, angry, quick to take offense, difficult and sharp. She is always ready to fight.

I understand that the circumstances of my life, over time, have made both sides of me necessary for one reason or another. When times were hard, the darker side of me was my protector. Anger was easier than fear and kept people from getting too close. But the danger of living this way for too long is that it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. Times are not hard for me anymore, and I don’t need protection. I am not afraid, and I want those I love close to me. I don’t need to hide behind anger.

This morning, I have made a decision. It is time to remove the walls I have built around my heart. I will do it brick by brick if I must, but I am ready. I have done all this work on myself, and I sense that it is time to open up and start the work of repairing and strengthening the relationships in my life. Time is precious, and I’ve taken long enough.

I know that this is very specific to me, but I wanted to share it anyway…because I’m sure that there’s a part of you that you love, and a part of you that you wish you could change. Well, you can. And so can I. But it is going to take time, resolve, patience, forgiveness and love.

That’s what it boils down to, I think. Love. I want to be the part of me that I love, because that’s the part of me that understands how to love. And, even though love is at the core of every single thing I write here, it is still not always the easiest place in myself to access. I let too many things get in the way. Today, I am going to start dealing with that.

If you are reading this, I want you to think about the side of yourself that you love, and the side of yourself that causes you trouble. Which side has been in the driver’s seat? If you don’t like the answer you come up with, don’t despair- we become who we are for a reason. Be kind to yourself and see if you can get closer to the part of you that you want to be. Be patient with yourself, but firm. Let go of what no longer serves you. It’s time.

Extra Help

November 25th: Extra Help

Late post today- as is so often true around the holidays, I am busy doing all of the things I normally do, PLUS getting ready for Thanksgiving this week. Which I foolishly insisted upon doing at my house. Yikes.

Anyway, I had a scheduled appointment with my therapist today, and I almost didn’t go, but…the truth is, it was too late to cancel on her, so I just went ahead and got down there. I felt kind of blah and didn’t think I had much to talk about…I had my mind on the million other things I needed to do.

HA! Turns out, I had quite a bit brewing in this little head of mine, hiding beneath and behind all of my busy-ness.

We talked a lot about things I could control (my attitude, my responses) and things I could not control (how my mother feels about my housekeeping, how my daughter chooses to show up, or not show up, in the world) and a little bit about stepping back and getting perspective. All things I already know, things I talk about here all the time, but…you know, I’m human. I find it easier to look out than look in sometimes. Aside from these little moments of inspiration and clarity I try to grab onto as they slide by, I’m just a bumbling little soul in a skin suit, freaking out because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

I love my therapist. I have been with her for a long, long time now, and I will tell you this- there is no substitute for a therapist that you click with and have built a rapport with over years. It can be hard to find that, but I think it is truly worth the search. I see her more often when I am struggling, and sometimes as seldom as once a month when I am doing well. She has been with me since before I finally got clean, and through the darkest of dark times. She reminds me often, when I am nitpicking myself, of how far I have come and how much I have grown. She knows alllll of it.

Today, I want to remind you that the holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. The minute you hit adulthood, the holidays aren’t just about seeing your cousins and staying up all night trying to catch Santa coming down the chimney. There are awkward questions, hurt feelings, dry turkeys and drunk uncles. Or, you know, some rough equivalent of that. Don’t hesitate to carve out time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. I know not everyone has access to therapy, but I hope there is someone you can turn to when you need to vent. The better you feel, the more likely you’ll be to create magical memories instead of awful ones that you’ll need…well, therapy, just to get over.

Slow & Steady

November 23rd: Slow & Steady

Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that I missed a day- already! And though I could formulate a million reasons why, the truth is…I just plain forgot. Lately, I’ve been writing in a willy-nilly fashion, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. I guess I thought I wrote something yesterday, but I did not. My friend Peter checked in on me to make sure I was okay (he thought I must be dead, I guess, since I didn’t write.) When he found out I was okay, he suggested that I write a piece about time travel, and I guess try to convince you all that I was writing from yesterday? I figured just admitting I forgot would suffice. But thanks, Peter! 😊

Okay, now, back to the other stuff.

So, today, I was given the rare gift of calm- a quality I know almost nothing about in any quantity at all. Sure, I have moments of it here and there, but today, almost all day, I have been utterly…calm.

I did not feel the pervasive drive to go, go, go that I normally do, but I wasn’t just sitting around procrastinating and feeling miserable, either. I actually got a LOT done, but all of the crazy pressure I normally put on myself was absent. It was great. I don’t have a clue why I felt this way or where it came from, but boy am I grateful.

And now that I know what that feels like, it will be easier for me to recreate it, you know? Looking around at my spotless (well, almost) living room, listening to the dishwasher do its thing off in the kitchen, and knowing that I did all the things I did today with not a bit of my frantic attitude ruining it. What a breakthrough!

Reminds me of that old story about the fox and the hare…well, not really. I can’t exactly remember that story fully. But I do remember the saying “Slow and steady wins the race.”

There might be something to that after all.

My hope for you, if you are reading this, is that you are given the gift of discovering something new about yourself. If you are, like me, a relentlessly driven mad-person, then I hope you wake up tomorrow and suddenly find yourself calm. If you are grouchy, may you wake up happy and joyful. If you are lazy and unmotivated, may you wake up energetic and ready to go. All of those things really are inside of each of us. Sometimes they just need to be discovered.

Cheat Post

November 15th: Cheat Post

I promised myself I would write one post per day for one year. Well, this counts, right? I am dead ass tired and have little to contribute tonight.

My advice for the day? Be as kind as you can. Put your cart back. Say thank you. Give big hugs. Love yourself because you are super cute and adorable. Drink some water. Floss more. Go to bed early.

Oh, and if you have any library books, take them back. Those fines are no joke these days.

Goodnight kids. I’ll have something brilliant tomorrow. Maybe.

Family

November 12th: Family

I had planned to write something totally different today, but time got away from me, and by the time I sat down here (just now) I realized that I am way too full and sleepy to do justice to the topic I had been feeling like writing.

So now you’re getting this.

Riding on the tail of yesterday’s post, I really did take my own advice and make more of an effort to connect with my kids today. The minute I was off work, I had Cam come help me, and together we made two stunning little meat loaves, real mashed potatoes, and green beans. She’s been helping me out a lot in the kitchen…tonight, when she didn’t seem to want to, I came clean. I told her that I didn’t technically need her help, but that I just wanted to spend time with her. “If you don’t want to help, though, you don’t have to.”

She took off for a minute, but she soon wandered back, and helped with every step. While the meat loaf was baking and the potatoes were boiling, I sat down for a break. She asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee, which I did not, but…I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and I agreed to it. It was fun.

We ate a nice meal together (I was SHOCKED to see her grub down two helpings of meatloaf filled with peppers and onions!), chatted a lot, and after dinner, we called Aisley, my first favorite child, and filled her in on our night. It was the second time today that I called her, which is not unusual at all.

I love my kids. I love the little family I created. It’s amazing how someone who had no idea what the hell she was doing managed to bring such wonderful humans into the world. It’s kind of a miracle, honestly.

The family I started out with is scattered and missing some of its most important members. My grandparents, who I worshipped, have been gone for such a long time. My uncle died just over a year ago. My mom is far away. My dad and I are not as close as we could be. If it weren’t for my girls, I think my life would be very lonely. But I have them, and I’m so glad.

Family is very important, I think. I know not everyone has a wonderful family- there were times when I wasn’t able to provide much of one for my kids, for sure. But I had great friends who played all kinds of roles, and I learned that family doesn’t have to be blood, or look a certain way, for it to be just as valuable and anchoring. Family are the people who hold you up when you are struggling, the ones who check in, the ones who will tell you the truth even when it is hard. Your family, whether they share your DNA or not, are the ones who know who you are and love you anyway.

So, if you are reading this, I hope that you will take a minute to appreciate the family you have, whoever they are. Even if they get on your last nerve and you’ve heard all their stories five thousand times, be grateful for the ones who love you dearly. That kind of love is priceless. If you don’t believe me, think about what the world would feel like without them in it…sad, isn’t it? It might not be ideal, your family- we all have our shit, you know. But, for me at least, my family is the very best part of my life.

Connection

November 11th: Connection

This afternoon, I had some errands to run. I timed it rather poorly and found myself stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. Luckily, we didn’t have a time frame, so it was no big deal. But we wound up stopping in the tunnel between New Monterey and Old, and that’s when things got funny. Someone started honking their horn, and then someone else, and soon every single car in the tunnel was leaning on their horn. All the people in all of the cars were laughing their heads off. It was just a little thing, but it made all these perfect strangers feel…connected.

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection lately. In the world we live in today, we often substitute social media for real interaction. When someone calls, we let it go to voicemail, preferring to text. I have long, ongoing conversations with people over messenger, but the truth is…sometimes I need to hear the voice of my friends. I need to see their faces, watch their expressions, hear them laugh.

In my line of work, as a medical coder, I review anywhere between 80 to roughly 100 emergency room charts per day- about a days’ worth of patients for our ER. Out of those, I would say about 15 on average are people suffering a mental health crisis. Of those 15, nearly half, if not more, are young people. Sometimes startlingly young. Lots of times.

I have seen a sharp rise in these charts over the past few years. Maybe I’m just working faster, maybe I’m just paying attention, but…I don’t know. I have a hunch that there’s more to it than that. I have a bad feeling it has something to do with the way we are living- so much of our lives with our faces glued to screens, so little time doing the stuff that makes a life feel…like living.

When I sit here and I stare at this screen all day, with lots of breaks to stare at my other, littler, phone screen…at the end of the day, I just feel empty. I feel like…what did I just do with my day? But when I do what I did this past weekend- work on the house, meet a bunch of girls at a meetup just to visit, read a book, have lunch with my boss at her house to meet her new great-grandbaby, and play with her two year old great grandson- when I sit down and share a meal and a conversation, and I connect with people…I feel full. I feel seen. I feel energized and happy, and my day feels like it was well spent.

I can’t imagine that children, with their curious minds and their newness, their thirst to learn and grow, are very different. If anything, they need more connection than we do. I think not giving that to them affects their mental health, I really do. I think it affects ours. I don’t have any proof. I haven’t researched it or checked my facts. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I think it might have some merit.

Today, if you feel so inclined, I encourage you to start thinking of some ways that you can make more time for connection in your life. Meet a friend for coffee or to go for a walk. When the phone rings (if it’s not, you know, an unknown number- never answer those!) answer it. Someone might need to hear your voice. If you have kids, turn off the TV and read together, or draw, or play a game. Think about the things you remember lovingly from your childhood and do that. Maybe put your phone on the charger and let it just be a phone for an hour or two. Candy Crush will still be there when you get back. This is advice I certainly need to take myself, and I intend to. It won’t be easy…but I think it’s important.

Confidence

November 10th: Confidence

A few months back, I turned a bit too early to go down an alley and smashed up the rear passenger door of my car. Prior to that, I was highly confident in my ability as a driver. At 44, I had never been in an accident- especially one so stupid, that was totally my own fault! To make matters worse, as I was maneuvering my car around, seconds before I hit the short little pole, I had been thinking to myself “Dammit, I’m a good driver!”

Well…maybe not quite as good as I thought, huh? After the little incident happened, I found that my faith in my own driving skills faltered quite a bit. I was nervous when I backed out of my driveway, slow when I pulled into a parking spot, jumpy when I needed to angle my car around my garbage cans on trash day.

Some time has passed now- I got the door repaired, and I’m not nervous anymore like I was right after it happened. I am a bit more cautious, though, and not nearly so cocky.

This is a good illustration, on a smaller scale, of many instances where my confidence was shaken. When someone you love and trust hurts or betrays you, you feel foolish, and for a while it’s hard to trust again. But after a while, you heal, and you allow yourself to love and trust someone new…but it takes time and with the wisdom you gained in the past, you are more discerning.

After a gazillion years (it seemed like anyway) of dealing with my own addiction and relapses, the last time I got clean, I didn’t have any confidence that it would last. It took a long, long time for me to trust myself. Over the past five years, through lots of hard work, soul searching, brutal honesty, growth, change and consistent effort, I can tell you this: I have never liked myself more than I do today. I have never needed the approval of others less. I have never had less worries, I have never thought harder about or been more careful with my words and actions. In short, I am the most confident I have ever been in my life.

But I am not over-confident. I know that who I am now did not come easy. I know that who I was before is not someone I ever care to be again. And I know that she and I are one and the same- opposite sides of the same coin. I don’t fear returning to that person, exactly…but I am certainly aware at all times, probably more than anyone would ever guess, that she existed. That she exists, to some extent, inside of me.

The confidence I have today has nothing to do with my appearance. It doesn’t depend on the opinions of other people. It doesn’t change because of something unkind someone says about me. It is built on a solid foundation of trust, grown over time. I know I will keep showing up. I know I will do the right thing. I know that when I am wrong, I can own up to it, and say I’m sorry. I know who I am, and I have faith in that person. And it may have taken me a long time to get here, but I earned my spot. That feels really good to me.

I hope that you understand and believe, on a deep level, that your worth has nothing to do with physical beauty. Beauty fades. But there is nothing more captivating than a woman or man who is confident in their own ability to handle whatever life throws at them. If you are striving for something, let it be inner strength, faith in yourself, and belief in your ability to achieve whatever you want in life. I’ve never felt anything better than the security of knowing I am safe in my life because I can trust myself. I wish I had known this a long time ago. But I know it now, and I wish it for you, as well.

Beginnings

November 9th: Beginnings

I love beginnings- the start of a new book (whether I’m reading it or writing it), a new relationship, the first day in a new house, when you are standing in the living room, looking around at the clean floors and the empty walls, deciding where things will go.

That’s probably why I love these early mornings so much, too; if I get up super early, I get just that much more newness out of the day. Time to decide what I can accomplish in the hours ahead, time to set myself up for the best possible outcome by meditating and honoring my creative pursuits, setting intentions and practicing gratitude- you know, all that hokey shit I’m into. Listen, I am practical, realistic, and honest to the point of being blunt, so I know how annoying and weird all this woo-woo spiritual stuff can sound. I also know that it works for me. And if it helps me, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t help you, or anyone else, for that matter. No matter what your circumstances happen to be, gratitude, meditation (or mindfulness), goals (or intentions), and creativity (or doing something that fills you with joy), when pursued regularly, will benefit your life. Take the spiritual component out if it makes you feel more comfortable, and you still have a worthwhile endeavor. Unless you are profoundly depressed, in which case it is basically impossible to believe that happiness will ever exist or even that it ever has existed in your life (I was gifted this knowledge by post-partum depression, circa 2010), or dealing with another mental illness that distorts reality, the practices I’ve listed are more than just mumbo-jumbo.

Mindfulness and meditation have helped me become aware of my thoughts and slow down enough to start to change them. Setting intentions and goals gives me direction and purpose. Being creative or doing something that makes me happy…well, it makes me happy. Joy is super important. And expressing gratitude underlines how much is going right, even when my feelings don’t match my situation. You can feel terrible, and still have so much to be grateful for.

So, back to beginnings- I love mornings, and Monday’s, my birthday, New Year’s, new moons, new months…all of those things. I’m a sucker for a fresh start. The start of something new is ripe with possibility, like the first blank page in a notebook.

But here’s the thing- you don’t have to wait for Monday to roll around to start over again. You can– hell, “Next Monday” is the second most popular day to start a diet, right behind “tomorrow”. The problem with next Monday’s and tomorrow’s is that they have a habit of staying just a little bit ahead of us, in the future. That’s why, even if it’s 2:45 on a Wednesday afternoon from hell, you can choose right then and there, to start over. You can take a deep, dramatic breath, super loud if you want- you can even slump down in your chair and scrunch your eyes shut or shake your hands like you are trying to dry them off, if it helps. Or, you can simply, silently decide “Okay, enough of this.”, and you can reboot. Make a small shift in your behavior or your attitude, and change direction.

And I say your behavior and your attitude because, of course, those are the only things you can control. You can’t keep your coworkers from bringing in piles of baked goods every day, but you don’t have to eat them. You can’t keep slow drivers out of the fast lane, but you don’t have to get enraged over it. You can’t stop life from happening exactly the way it does, but you can choose how you respond to it. Even if you have been grouchy and angry and miserable all day long and it’s eight p.m., you can stop right now and start over.

Today, I want to thank you for hearing me out. I know this was a little longer than usual, but I needed to share this with you. If you realize you are in the habit of being unhappy, you owe it to yourself to change that. If your thoughts are mostly negative, if your life is just this side of miserable, if nothing is working out the way you wanted…give yourself permission to start over. I’m not talking about running away, I’m talking about changing your perspective. Trying something different. We are creatures of habit, and sometimes we don’t even realize the impact our own thoughts and words and attitude have on our lives. I encourage you to pay attention. Think about it. And, whenever you need to, however it looks for you- don’t be afraid to start over. The beginning is wherever you want it to be.

Still

November 7th: Still

Most days, if I am lucky, I get a few moments of stillness- perhaps a perfect breath or two during my meditation, sometimes not even that. The rest of my hours are spent with my brain leaping wildly from one thought to the next- so fast, sometimes, that I have to gently remind myself to stop. Just stop. Take a breath, dude.

Lately, it’s been even more that way than usual. With my daily posts here, my participation in NaNoWriMo, my full-time job, my writer’s group, my children and my social media consumption…oh, and the stack of books I’m reading. Then there’s homework and dinners, shopping and planning for Cam’s upcoming birthday. My plate is full. And my head is even fuller.

Add to that the obsessing I am doing over this move…sweet baby Jesus, I’m making myself crazy. It’s almost as if I’m not really even here, on the West Coast, anymore. A part of me is already trying to be there, two thousand plus miles away.

I was walking Lucy earlier today, out strolling my normal path in the finally crisp Autumn air, and I had to remind myself that I am here. I am here now. I can’t be two places at one time. The time to be there will come, but for now, I am here. I pulled myself right back to the present, because this is where all the good stuff happens.

Today, despite this full plate, I have been blessed with peace and stillness. I don’t take this state for granted because it’s not a frequent visitor here. But my goodness, it sure is nice.

For you, I wish the same peace and stillness. I hope that, when your thoughts pull you miles away, you can come back to the present, where your life is unfolding. Today, may you remember that this day will never come again, and it is precious. Come back. Be here. Take a breath, dude.