Category Archives: Women

What Do You Owe Yourself?

December 9th: What Do You Owe Yourself?

Recently, I saw some great stuff about self-care not always being about bubble baths and pedicures and let me tell you this: I agree wholeheartedly! Indulging ourselves from time to time is absolutely important, and you should make time for these things, yes- but is that truly the essence of self-care?

Uh-uh. No, not by a long shot.

As the little blurb I saw went on to say, sometimes self-care really means taking care of your finances, sticking to a budget, giving up some luxuries you don’t need so that you can accomplish something you do need or want.

Sometimes self-care means taking a good hard look at the negative patterns in your life and figuring out where it started, or, more importantly, when you are going to see it end. Caring for yourself means to look after yourself the way a good parent would- limiting your intake of bullshit and putting yourself in time out when you are acting up. Being loving, but firm.

Self-care means getting your shit together. Facing your problems. Seeing yourself as you truly are and owning that- not blaming it on your terrible childhood or your ex-boyfriend, your trauma…because the truth is, we ALL have trauma. We are ALL recovering from something that has wounded us. There is not a soul on this earth who doesn’t carry scars.

Getting better, healing- it’s a lot of work. It’s a job that never ends. Not everyone is even aware enough to undertake it. Lots of people are comfortable with their familiar routine of turning a blind eye to the truth, hiding their heads in the sand, identifying with their less than ideal lot in life.

I’m going to tell you something- the past five years of my life have been the hardest, the most grueling years I have ever known. They have also been the most rewarding and happiest. The work I have put in…when I look back, it blows my mind. While I was going through it, it seemed bumpy, sure. But when I look back at all of it, it’s hard to believe I made it through. But I did, one slow step at a time. No one will ever know, really, except for me, the things that went on…because 90% of it was internal. Yet I am more proud of the way I cared for myself, the way I carried myself, through that, than I am of anything else I have ever done.

So…what do you owe yourself? You owe yourself the best life you are capable of giving you. That will look different for every person reading this, but…I encourage you to really ask yourself “How’s it looking?” and “Where am I now? Where do I want to be? How do I get from here to there?”. Look, this is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. This is your life, right now. Take care of you. And I don’t mean taking a bubble bath.

Yesterday & Today

December 7th & 8th : Yesterday and Today

When it is very, very early in the morning- long before most people have risen, and long before the sun decides to make an appearance…I can sit and write and feel like I am telling a secret to a room full of sleeping people. It makes no difference, because no one is listening anyway.

But if I wait too long, I lose my nerve, I suppose.

Also, the day begins to weigh me down. The things I have to do, the things I didn’t get to. It all starts to feel a little heavy to me, and so, by the end of the day I’m not much good to anyone. When you get up as early as I do, the end of the day comes a lot sooner.

I’ll tell you another secret, sleeping people…when it all gets to be too much, do you know what I have been doing lately? I have been scrolling through Instagram, looking at beautiful pictures of snow in Maine. I have an overwhelming desire to look out at the snow. Last night, I spent some time describing it to Camryn- what it is like when the snow falls. The silence, the utter quiet, of a snowy night. You can wake up and, without even looking out the window, know just by the light, by the silence, that the snow has fallen. And when you look up at the sky on a perfect night with the snow an unmarred blanket all around you, if it is clear, the stars look close enough to touch.

My heart is already gone. I am homesick for a place I have never lived. As good as my life is here, I am ready for something new. So, all of my energy and my resources, from this point forward, have to be dedicated to making sure I have the best possible chance of succeeding in giving myself this gift. I absolutely deserve to chase my dreams. We all do.

Is there something you want so badly that you can almost taste it? Some dream that seems inconvenient, but totally possible? What if I told you that inconvenience was a terrible reason not to go for what you wanted? The important things are not easy. We do not learn and grow from the mundane. We cannot stretch the boundaries of who we are by following the path of least resistance. It is, of course, up to you the way you want to live. But for me…the answer IS easy, even if the way forward is not.

Different

December 6th: Different

We cannot change the world- at least, not in the way we would like to, right? Every day, I am privy to crazy happenings all around the world…people doing the most heinous, awful things, things most of us cannot comprehend ever doing to another human being. Hell, my own government here in the US is so corrupt it is painful and stressful to bear witness to! If I could, and I think many of us would do the same, I would put a stop to. Just like that. “Hey! Knock that shit off! Didn’t your mother teach you better than that?” In my fantasy, it would be that simple.

The truth is, not only can we not change the world just like that, we cannot change most things. Almost everything is beyond our control. Even changing ourselves is very difficult.

Yes, you heard me right- me, the one who is always going on about self-acceptance is now talking about changing. Listen, you can love yourself exactly as you are while still working on yourself. As a matter of fact, I think that might be the only way we can create lasting change in our lives- by loving ourselves through it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t gotten very far by hating myself into change. Trust me, I’ve tried.

My point is, we can really only change ourselves. But when we make positive changes in our lives and become happier, it benefits everyone we come into contact with. You have no idea how you might inspire others by bettering yourself. I am constantly surprised by the people who tell me that my words have resonated with them, that they needed to hear what I had to say, that it made a difference in their lives. Even if I just make someone laugh, that’s still a positive vibe I helped create that wasn’t there before. What we do and say, the healing we pursue, the changes we make to evolve matter. A lot.

Today, I hope you can do one thing differently than you did yesterday. One thing that you wish you could incorporate into your life, one little thing that you think might make your life richer or more peaceful or just run more smoothly- I hope you take the time to do it. We don’t change our lives overnight. It’s always one small thing, one building block upon another. That is how we build the life we dream of. So…I challenge you to start here. Today, do something different.

FLOSS!

TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH.

For the love of Christ, floss. And not just for the few days before you go to the dentist- like, all the time. Get a water flosser (I have one and they are super awesome), get an electric toothbrush, brush, brush, brush. Go to the dentist.

Do NOT be like me and be cursed with teeth about as strong as Play-Doh, use drugs for ten million years, and ruin teeth that were probably going to suck anyway.

On Monday, I have to go and get, like, my 47th root canal. Look, I know that is not possible, but it sure seems like it to me. I am so sick of having dentists root around in my mouth…I think I have dental PTSD.

So, here is my sage advice for today:

FLOSS. Yes, you, reading this right now- floss your teeth tonight before you go to bed. Brush one more time a day than you do right now. Use Listerine (it smells so bad, it has to be beneficial, right?). Seriously, though…this is truly good advice. Maybe the best I’ve ever given anyone. You will not regret listening to me about this, I promise you. Do it. 😊

Wrestling

December 4th: Wrestling

You know, I often catch myself doing the most useless thing- I wrestle with myself over my very nature. This evening, for instance. I had hoped, once I was off work, to go to this thing the next town over. It became very apparent to me, however, as the day wore on, that this would be unlikely. It’s ten after five here, and it’s already dark out. I’ve been feeling worn out and exhausted since one or two.

Yet…still, I want to wrestle with myself about going. Even though I know I’m too tired tonight to bother making dinner, let alone go traipsing through the dark and cold to do this thing. If I did go, all I’d be thinking about would be getting home, to a hot bath and a warm bed.

So…why in the world would I contemplate going? Sigh. I do not know. And there’s another thing to wrestle with myself about- why am I like this? Again, don’t know.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that there will never be a time in my life where I am any less ME than I am today. There will always be the good with the bad, the light with the dark. There will be days when I am too tired to participate, and times when I excel at everything I touch. This is just who I am. Courtney, for better or for worse, always, always, me.

So, it seems prudent to me that I get back to what I am always telling everyone else to do- accept the truth, and just love my little self exactly as I am each day. I certainly deserve my own affection. As you deserve yours.

Today- stop wrestling with yourself. Just give yourself a break. Love yourself exactly as you are, give yourself a little grace, a little tenderness, a little kindness. Who cares why you are the way you are? You just are. And we’re both gonna be just fine.

Pay Attention

December 3rd: Pay Attention

I posted a link to a video on Facebook yesterday, and pretty much everyone ignored it- look, I’m not blaming them. Few people can tolerate my weird obsession with animated films (especially Frozen and Moana, but also How to Train Your Dragon- the whole series) and probably they are all a little weirded out by the way I identify so much with the songs…oh yeah, the link I posted was to the song “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2. I didn’t even pay much attention to the song during the movie- I was too busy being totally blown away by the movie! But, yesterday, when I got in the car, instead of my podcast turning on, that song played itself from my Apple music list.

Anyway, as I listened to it, I just…started crying. I know, embarrassing, right? Camryn, who was in the backseat thought so. Whatever. After I dropped her off at school, I listened to it three more times on the way home. When I got home, I listened to it several more times, then watched the video on YouTube. I wasn’t sure why I kept listening, over and over, choking up every time. Then I realized something- the song was Elsa, singing to herself- the person she was looking for was her TRUE self. You know, I also used to get like that when I heard the song from Moana “How Far I’ll Go”. Another song about venturing out, beyond the places and things that are expected of you. Another song about self-discovery and pushing limits.

Do you see a theme here? I mean, other than the theme of me being a hopeless, sappy nerd?

If you can’t see it, I’ll just tell you- when I hear these songs, these beautiful stories set to music, they speak to my soul. To my heart. And my particular heart and soul have always longed desperately to roam and explore and see the world and see…everything that I can. My particular heart and soul have been longing to just be me, whoever that is, for my whole life. I have been all of these other things- this lost, screwed up woman trying to overcome addiction and trauma. This stable, dependable person I am today, checking all the boxes and coloring within the lines- (as much as I am able to). I have proven to myself that I am strong, and that I am capable. And now it is time for me to start becoming who I am and start pushing beyond what is expected of me.

If you pay attention, your heart and soul are always trying to speak to you. Maybe it’s a dumb (beautiful) Disney song, or some other song. Maybe it’s a commercial on TV that makes you choke up, or a line from a book that you can’t get out of your head and you aren’t sure why. Take the time to examine those things- in my experience, this is how our spirits speak to us. Little hints and hunches, tears in our eyes, shivers up our spines. It’s worth examining. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have adventures to plan. 😊

What If’s

December 2nd: What if’s

I have been beset with the “what-if’s” the past few days. I’ve been having such a lovely time with my life lately- enjoying friends and family, reveling in my clean little house, feeling quite content with my lot in life.

Suddenly, the idea of tossing everything I know up into the air and moving as far across the country as I could possibly go without leaving it altogether…seems terrifying! What if I’m making a giant mistake?! What if I’m horribly lonely? What if, what if, what if…?

Luckily, I remembered some very important things. And I asked these new “what-if’s” of myself: What if you stopped looking at everything as if it were the last thing you would ever do, and remembered that your life is made up of many parts, this being one of them? What if you remembered that you can, despite what the old saying tells us, come home again? What if you have the time of your life? What if, a year from this day, you are sitting at your desk, looking out of a snowy window, thinking “This is the most wonderful thing I have ever done?”. What if you just see how it goes?

Because I do, indeed, still want to go. I’ve checked in with myself, over and over again, and yes…the answer is still a resounding yes.

I’m scared to death. I’d be a fool not to be. This is a really big thing I’m planning on doing. But when I think back on all of the really big things I’ve ever done, they were also the greatest things I’ve ever done.

Look- we get one shot at this life, at least, as the person we are this go round. I have no idea who I’ll be next time, or if I’ll come back at all, or if I’ll be the sort of person that wants to do crazy things like pack up shop and move…everywhere. So, sure, fear is natural. But you cannot let it stop you from living the biggest, best, most joy-filled life you are capable of. So, I’m turning those “what-if’s” around, crossing my fingers, and forging ahead. ‘Cause what if this is the exact right thing? How will you know unless you try?

Two Sides

November 26th: Two Sides

There is a me that I love, and a me that I struggle with. The side of myself that I love is quick to laugh, lighthearted, funny, and warm. The side of myself that I do not enjoy is cynical, angry, quick to take offense, difficult and sharp. She is always ready to fight.

I understand that the circumstances of my life, over time, have made both sides of me necessary for one reason or another. When times were hard, the darker side of me was my protector. Anger was easier than fear and kept people from getting too close. But the danger of living this way for too long is that it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. Times are not hard for me anymore, and I don’t need protection. I am not afraid, and I want those I love close to me. I don’t need to hide behind anger.

This morning, I have made a decision. It is time to remove the walls I have built around my heart. I will do it brick by brick if I must, but I am ready. I have done all this work on myself, and I sense that it is time to open up and start the work of repairing and strengthening the relationships in my life. Time is precious, and I’ve taken long enough.

I know that this is very specific to me, but I wanted to share it anyway…because I’m sure that there’s a part of you that you love, and a part of you that you wish you could change. Well, you can. And so can I. But it is going to take time, resolve, patience, forgiveness and love.

That’s what it boils down to, I think. Love. I want to be the part of me that I love, because that’s the part of me that understands how to love. And, even though love is at the core of every single thing I write here, it is still not always the easiest place in myself to access. I let too many things get in the way. Today, I am going to start dealing with that.

If you are reading this, I want you to think about the side of yourself that you love, and the side of yourself that causes you trouble. Which side has been in the driver’s seat? If you don’t like the answer you come up with, don’t despair- we become who we are for a reason. Be kind to yourself and see if you can get closer to the part of you that you want to be. Be patient with yourself, but firm. Let go of what no longer serves you. It’s time.

Extra Help

November 25th: Extra Help

Late post today- as is so often true around the holidays, I am busy doing all of the things I normally do, PLUS getting ready for Thanksgiving this week. Which I foolishly insisted upon doing at my house. Yikes.

Anyway, I had a scheduled appointment with my therapist today, and I almost didn’t go, but…the truth is, it was too late to cancel on her, so I just went ahead and got down there. I felt kind of blah and didn’t think I had much to talk about…I had my mind on the million other things I needed to do.

HA! Turns out, I had quite a bit brewing in this little head of mine, hiding beneath and behind all of my busy-ness.

We talked a lot about things I could control (my attitude, my responses) and things I could not control (how my mother feels about my housekeeping, how my daughter chooses to show up, or not show up, in the world) and a little bit about stepping back and getting perspective. All things I already know, things I talk about here all the time, but…you know, I’m human. I find it easier to look out than look in sometimes. Aside from these little moments of inspiration and clarity I try to grab onto as they slide by, I’m just a bumbling little soul in a skin suit, freaking out because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

I love my therapist. I have been with her for a long, long time now, and I will tell you this- there is no substitute for a therapist that you click with and have built a rapport with over years. It can be hard to find that, but I think it is truly worth the search. I see her more often when I am struggling, and sometimes as seldom as once a month when I am doing well. She has been with me since before I finally got clean, and through the darkest of dark times. She reminds me often, when I am nitpicking myself, of how far I have come and how much I have grown. She knows alllll of it.

Today, I want to remind you that the holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. The minute you hit adulthood, the holidays aren’t just about seeing your cousins and staying up all night trying to catch Santa coming down the chimney. There are awkward questions, hurt feelings, dry turkeys and drunk uncles. Or, you know, some rough equivalent of that. Don’t hesitate to carve out time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. I know not everyone has access to therapy, but I hope there is someone you can turn to when you need to vent. The better you feel, the more likely you’ll be to create magical memories instead of awful ones that you’ll need…well, therapy, just to get over.

Choices

November 24th: Choices

You know, the older I get, the more complicated my perception of myself has gotten. I sometimes feel like I am all of the things I ever was, at every point in my life, all at once. This is not the case. Though my past experiences shaped me, and the memories continue to influence my decisions today, I am not the same person I used to be. I am this person, sitting here, now.

Look, we all have experienced trauma. We all carry painful memories, things that were our fault, and things that most definitely were not. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

At a certain point, you have some choices to make. Do I want to be so married to my pain that I let it become my identity, or do I want to take the reins and forge a new way forward for myself? For me, at least, the answer was easy. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore of being who I was. Sure, there was a lot of pain involved in changing, too, but at least it was different pain. Pain with a purpose. Growing pains are no joke.

The other day, I was laying in my bed reading, and something popped up…some memory that made me uncomfortable, I don’t know what it was. And I just thought to myself “I forgive you for everything, for all of it…every single thing you did, every minute. I forgive you.” It was the most random thing, but I felt so peaceful afterward. In that moment, I made the choice to do something different. Instead of dwelling, I addressed my feelings of shame with forgiveness. Now I remind myself of that choice each time one of those memories tries to ambush me.

I could use a lot more words here to explain to you why, though you are entitled to your pain, it might not be serving you. How it’s your job to address your issues no matter who caused them, even if that isn’t fair. That the energy you pour into beating yourself up or reliving the past could be used on forgiving yourself, letting go, and starting again. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Today, if you are reading this, I hope you know that the choices you make today matter a thousand times more than any you made in the past. So make good ones.