Tag Archives: acceptance

Factory Reset

January 6th: Factory Reset

What a blur the past two weeks has been! Actually, doesn’t it seem like the clock speeds up sometime around mid-November, when the preparations for Thanksgiving begin? For me it seems that way, especially now that my part is more than just showing up and eating.  The minute Thanksgiving is over, the Christmas frenzy begins- I am not much of a shopper, and even I visited more stores in November and December than I do throughout the rest of the year. Then school is out and with all the weird days off and fragmented work weeks, by the time January second rolled around this year…honestly, I didn’t know what day of the week it was. I thought there were at least four Monday’s over the past two weeks. I’m not even kidding.

For me, a messy, complicated person who craves order and routine all the more for its elusiveness, starting fresh from such a chaotic place as that is very difficult. Unlikely, even. What I really needed was a nap. A chance to recover from all that activity. A little more “back to normal” and a little less “wait, what day is this?”

Unfortunately, due to circumstances I am not even going to attempt to get into right now, that was not to be. I hope that the start to your new year was peaceful and easy, but mine took a running leap straight into facing my fears and dealing with my deepest anxieties. I dealt with it just fine, but it was exhausting all the same.

Today is the first day of what promises to be the first normal week of this year for me- no days off mid-week, no holidays, no weirdness- and I am ready for it. I spent the last 48 hours basically cocooned inside my house, accomplishing absolutely nothing that I hoped I would. I just needed a break. I wanted so badly to tackle my to-do lists and jump into mapping out my goals, but…I couldn’t. I was simply unable to do anything other than rest.

I want to lie and say I’m okay with that, but the truth is, I have no choice other than to accept it. For one thing, it’s already in the past, and we all know you can’t do anything about the past. For another, after all the years I’ve lived in this body of mine, I’ve learned that there are times when my instincts take over and render my busy human brain useless. Kind of like a factory reset- my thoughts are still swirling away, but my body goes offline and…I don’t know, installs updates, I guess. But during that time, while my body is powered down, I cannot think my way into activity. I just have to rest. I can enjoy it or not, but it’s going to happen either way.

Here’s the reason I am sharing this with you: If you are like me, and you are feeling disappointed because the past few days didn’t go the way you’d hoped, let that go. We have all been incredibly busy for the past couple of months, and maybe you, like me, needed a break. I am trying to be gentler with myself and notice when I am not. I hope you can do this too- go easy on yourself. Ironically, it’s one of the hardest tasks for me, being gentle…especially with myself. But I keep trying because I know it’s important- everyone around us is touched by our vibe, be it good or bad. So I keep aiming high…I hope you do, as well.

Gratitude

November 13th: Gratitude

Gratitude is very much like a muscle- the more you engage it, the stronger it becomes. And when you don’t use it, it weakens. I’m not talking about those out-of-the-blue moments that occur and fill us with gratitude for a specific thing or person or kind gesture, although those can serve as a catalyst to get the ball rolling.

Nope, I’m talking about cultivating gratitude for the mundane, everyday things we take for granted. The miracle of waking up alive and whole. The breath in our lungs, the warm cocoon of our beds. That first cup of coffee, the chaos of a morning in a house with children.

When I sit down every morning to pray and meditate, my prayer always begins with gratitude- thank you for another day. Thank you for my health, my children and their health. Thank you for this love in my heart and this beautiful life I get to have.

And sometimes, when I say these words, I am overcome. Sometimes I can’t help giving thanks while tears roll down my face because when I say that I am grateful, I mean it. I am not just grateful for where I am now, but I’m grateful for where I was and what it took to get me here, because it makes today that much sweeter. I am grateful for where I am because I know where I was headed. I am distinctly aware of how different my life could have been.

When I choose to live in gratitude, I am choosing to see what is right about my life rather than what is wrong. What is abundant rather than what is lacking. How far I have come instead of how much I still need to do. It’s really as simple as that. In this life, our perception of reality IS our reality. The way we speak and think and catalogue our experiences colors everything. So, when I say that cultivating a grateful perspective changes everything, I mean it.

Problems still exist. People still act up. There are good days and not so good days, and we certainly can’t control many things that go on. But we can control the way we view all those things. We can dig a little deeper, see the silver linings, recognize and find empathy for the pain in the bad behavior of others. We are free to enjoy the good days and find humor or lessons in the bad. We can surrender to the things over which we have no control and let go rather than struggle. We get to choose what is burden or blessing and find something beautiful even when our hearts break. That’s pretty amazing.

I could go on and on about gratitude, I really could, but the bottom line is this- without it, without the ability to appreciate the things you have now, you are setting yourself up for more of the same old thing. People become deeply attached to their unhappiness and dissatisfaction. They shoot down any suggestions or solutions, and when they do get what they want, it is never enough. There is always something wrong, something lacking, something painful. We ALL know someone, or several someone’s, like this.

The thing is…that’s life. There are people who have terminal illnesses or chronic pain or have suffered devastating losses who choose to have gratitude for what they do have and focus on the life before them. And there are able-bodied, healthy, perfectly fine people who cannot find one thing to be happy about and seem content with their misery. Well, let them have their pain. What a sad waste of time.

Today, I hope you can remember that you are in charge of your thoughts, your perspective, and your attitude. I hope you can hear yourself think and correct your thoughts when they start acting up. I hope you can feel overwhelmed with gratitude today, because life is really that perfect and gorgeous and good. I hope you can see it, and if you can’t…keep trying. You’ll get there.

Slack

November 2nd: Slack

Do you ever have days where just everything goes wrong?

Of course, you do! what am I saying? You’re human, after all.

Well, today has been kind of like that for me… I mean, not everything has gone wrong, but it is still early. I’m neck deep in what I have now coined the “volatile cocktail” phase of my monthly cycle. It’s anyone’s guess what will set me off, make me cry, or throw me into a panic attack, so…that’s pretty exciting.

I dragged out my morning procrastinating, kicked a cat dish across the room (by accident) and really hurt my toe. I accidentally hit my dog in the nose with a spoon. I yelled at the same dog because she wouldn’t stop staring at me. I ran out of hot water for my bath. All relatively minor things on their own, but when you add it all up…it’s still minor, I guess. But I’m not feeling particularly centered or spiritual or helpful today.

So, guess what? I’m not going to fight it. I’m not going to fight with myself or try to force myself to feel anything different. Remember that post about acceptance? Well, that includes accepting myself on days like today, when I’m the Medusa version of me, too. I love myself, even today. Even when I’m a lump of flesh laying in bed at two in the afternoon.

Sometimes you just have to let go of your plans for the day, let go of expectations, let go of the to-do list, and cut yourself a little slack. And not give yourself a hard time over it, either.

Today, if you happen to feel a little hormonal, perhaps, or just can’t seem to get things to go your way, I hope you can cut yourself some slack, too. I hope you can love your Medusa self, even when she (or he) is not very lovable. I think we should both just take a nap, what do you think? A little nap, some comfort food, maybe a cup of tea…I bet we’ll feel better by evening.

Immovable

October 29th:  Immovable

I want to talk about something a little different today.

In our lifetimes, there are many, many things we get to have a say in- we can choose anything from what career we pursue, to the type of cereal we eat in the morning, to what faith resonates with us.

There are, however, some things which do not allow us the luxury of choice.

We can’t choose to be healthy when we are sick, for instance. We can’t choose not to have a chronic illness, such as diabetes or depression or even ADHD. We aren’t asked permission from our loved ones, or from God, when our loved ones die. We can’t truly even choose not to grieve a loss, not really- it comes out, one way or another. We can’t choose to go back in time and fix our mistakes. Things like these just are.

These things are immovable. Big, looming, cold, hard facts that we must live with.

It’s neither wrong nor right to rail against these things- after all, they suck! They are unfair! It isn’t right, it’s total bullshit, you hate it, and you’re pissed! And sad. And angry. It’s understandable. We’ve all been there.

But we can’t live there. I mean, we can, I guess, but it’s better if we don’t.

I was faced with a little bit of this last night. Something happened- not to me directly, but to someone I love- that was utter bullshit. It just broke my heart. The thing is, there is not a single thing I can do about it. Not a single thing they can do about it either.

The only thing I can do is work with what is. Here are the circumstances, now how can I deal with them the most effectively? By crying and stomping my feet and saying, “This just isn’t fair!”? Or by taking a deep breath, straightening my spine, and saying “Okay. This is how it is, so what can I do to make it as bearable as possible?”

Because even when we don’t have a choice about immovable things, we have a choice in how we show up. Fighting something that cannot be changed is useless and a waste of energy. This morning, when I sat down to pray, I asked the Universe to help me be the person this loved one needs today. Help me show up as a safe place, a strong role model, a comfort. Let me be gentle, loving, soft around the edges. I cannot change these things, but I can ease them a little, perhaps.

Today, I encourage you to take a good look at where your energy goes. You only have so much to give, and if you are pouring it all into fighting something immovable, you are wasting your time. I suppose this is also acceptance, but it is also more than that. It is learning to live in harmony even with the hard things, the painful things. Work with what you’ve got instead of working against yourself, wishing things were different, and see if it doesn’t feel better. If I’m wrong, you can pick up the fight again tomorrow. That’s the way immovable things are, after all.

Trust

October 29th: Trust

For me, one of the most delightful and empowering milestones I have ever reached was the day when I realized I could trust myself.

That day happened about two weeks ago. I’m not kidding.

I was in the shower one morning, reflecting on a situation that had just occurred the day prior. Basically, I had been seeing this great guy for a few months, but it got…less great, I guess you might say. There were many things that I recognized as things that would not work for me, let’s say, and knowing this, I did what was right for me and I broke it off.

A couple of weeks earlier, I had expressed my concerns to a friend or two, and the basic consensus was- “dating sucks, he sounds awesome, try to make it work.” I allowed myself a brief period of being convinced they were right, sort of panicked and tried to figure out how I could make myself be…I dunno…grateful?

Then I remembered that it was ME in the situation, not them, and only I could decide what did and didn’t work for me- no matter how good it might look on the surface. I went to no one for advice, I made up my mind, and I made a really uncomfortable, awkward phone call. Afterwards, I felt nothing except…relieved. I honestly didn’t give it another thought.

So, in the shower the following morning, I was reflecting on that. Not just the fact that I knew I had made the right call, that I could tell by how light my spirit felt, but by the shocking fact that I had taken my own counsel! I had known myself well enough to know that moving forward in a situation where I was ultimately feeling stifled was not going to magically get better. I had done the exact right thing for me. This was new territory for me, boy, let me tell ya!

Following that, an absolute flurry of decisions started being made. I was drunk with the power of having faith in my own abilities to stand at the helm of my life. I was suddenly sure that I could handle the job. That I was thoughtful and smart and practical enough to choose wisely.

Listen, when you have lived a rather crazy life, marred by whole swaths of time obliterated by black marks of bad choices, trust in yourself does not come easy. It comes after a lot of time and testing. But when that day finally arrives, it is, again, the most delightful and empowering milestone you can reach. And it goes a long way towards loving yourself completely, that’s for sure.

Today, I want you to ask, “Can I trust myself?”. If the answer is “yes, of course!”, then you are one lucky duck! If, however, the answer is “Ehh…I mean, it’s kinda hit or miss.” Or “Sometimes.” Or “Fuck to the no, I am not to be trusted.”, the good news is, based on your response, you can surmise a lot about where you are at right now in your life. The reason that’s good news is that when you know where you are, you can figure out how to get to where you want to be. Remember, wherever you are on your journey, you are permitted- nay, encouraged- to see the good in yourself. If you can do that today, you are doing just fine. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, practicing acceptance and forgiveness, doing your best…and trust will follow. You’ll see!

Acceptance

October 26th: Acceptance

One of the concepts I have struggled with more than almost anything else is the idea of loving myself, as I am, right here and now, no matter the circumstance.

I mean, how could I love myself knowing the shitty, awful things I’ve done in this lifetime? How could I love this moody, foul-mouthed, selfish mess in this chubby body, in this dirty house? Really, how? Everywhere you look, you see quotes about how you must love yourself before you can truly love anyone else, but no one tells you how the hell to get there, do they?

Well, let’s break it down over the next couple of days, shall we? I’m going to start where it began for me, with acceptance.

Acceptance is a word they throw around a lot in recovery, but as with most things, I had to get there on my own. One day, when I was tired of beating myself up and tired of rehashing all the bullshit I’d pulled over the past however many years, and, most importantly, I stopped adding new shit to the pile, I just came around to accepting it.

That was who I had been. Those were things I had done.

This is who I am now.

Imperfect as can be, I am still better than I was, and improving all the time. Sure, sometimes it’s one step forward, two (or three, or four) steps back…but most of the time, it’s not.

Sure, I’m still moody, and foul-mouthed, and chubby and messy…but so what? One of the things that hit me, when I was working on self-acceptance, was that I was trying to look at myself from the outside, as if I could judge myself by the way I assumed other people were judging me. This is impossible, of course, because A) I have absolutely no idea what anyone really thinks of me, I am not that powerful. And B) Most of the time, people are far too busy worrying about themselves to think about me at all.

Of even greater importance though, is this: WHO CARES? Who cares what anyone else thinks about you or your life or your past transgressions? It LITERALLY does not matter. It just doesn’t. If you go around trying to be someone pleasing to everyone you run across, you are going to be very tired and very confused.

I accepted that I am who I am. I accepted that not everyone would love me. I accepted that as a fact, and let it be okay. Sure, sometimes I do find myself longing to change someone’s mind about me, wishing they could know me now, that I could impress them with the person I’ve become…but the people who matter, who love me and who are in my life- and this includes myself, these days- they stuck around and they know. And so, I get right back into accepting what is.

Today, I want you to try accepting yourself exactly as you are, without exception. No beating yourself up, no putting yourself down, no wishing you were any other way than how you are. I know, I know…it feels awful and unnatural, doesn’t it? But it’s the only way to get to the next step, forgiveness, which is what we will talk about tomorrow.