be gentle with yourself | Notes From Elsewhere

November 6^th: Imperfect

We had a bit of a bad night here last night. I’m not going to go into it, really, I’m just going to say this: I am not proud of my parenting. Also, I hate homework. Also, I really need to work on my patience…as usual.

I know I am not alone. Every parent who exists has moments where they wonder if they are capable of the job they are trying to do. Almost every parent I know will admit that they’ve lost their shit over homework once or twice themselves. It’s the end of the day, we’re worn out, and no one wants to be doing schoolwork after dark- not the kid, and not the parent.

I went to bed feeling like a jackass and I woke up this morning feeling bad, too. I was still dwelling on it on my way into the office this morning, as my car crawled along at a snail’s pace on the backed-up highway.

Out of nowhere I thought “What about all the stuff you get right, though?” and I was like “Huh?”, because when your head just starts talking to you like that, you have to take notice, right? So, my inner voice, the one that pops in when I really need help, goes “Why don’t you ever obsess over all the stuff you get right?” And I’m all “Well, I’m supposed to get things right, that’s why.” My inner voice rolled her eyes at me. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. “All I’m saying is, you get a lot more right these days than you screw up. Maybe you should give yourself a little credit.”

And that’s where the silent exchange ended, but I haven’t stopped thinking about that. I’m really good at beating myself up for times when I feel I have come up short. But when I get things right…and honestly, most of the time I do get things right, I don’t acknowledge it at all. Because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, so I don’t get a gold star for that. When I really think it over, it’s almost like I’ve set it up so that I can’t win. I’m like the world’s worse boss- happy to ream my own ass when I misstep, but never saying thank you to myself for all the work I do.

Listen, I am imperfect. Sometimes I lose my temper and I don’t like that- I’m trying so hard to change. But other times, lots of times, I work weekends so that I can take time off for doctor’s appointments that aren’t for me. I make special trips to bakeries to buy macaron’s because Cam wants to try them, and I am affectionate and thoughtful, open and giving with my kids. I say “I love you” more times in a day than I can count. Our house might be messy, but it’s truly filled with love, and my kids know that this will be their home no matter how far away they go or how old they are. They know they can come to me for anything, at any time. And that matters a lot. I need to make sure to take pride in that.

Today, if you find that you are being very hard on yourself, I hope that you can pause and think about all the things you get right. I hope you can see how far you’ve come, no matter how far you might feel you have to go. Just the fact that you want to do better says an awful lot about the kind of person you are. No one is all bad or all good- we’re just these fumbling, imperfect little humans, trying our best to be okay, and to love others, and to be loved in return. We are all imperfect. But the things we get right are many, and those things matter the most. I hope you can see that today and be kind to yourself.

October 27^th: Forgiveness

You know, I was a little concerned about my decision to embark on a multi-day theme here. That was not what I intended when I started this (FYI, I started writing these long before I decided to make it into a blog…so there are plenty of extras should a day come when I can’t write, for some reason)- my intention was to write what my heart and spirit felt called towards via meditation, prayer, or whatever popped into my head during the day that wouldn’t go away. Might sound funky and weird, but…I’m a funky, weird person, so…it fits.

But I worried that deciding ahead of time what I would focus on would interrupt the flow, I guess. Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

Yesterday, I said we’d talk about forgiveness today. Last night, via my dreams, I believe I was finally not only forgiven by a loved one that has been gone nearly twenty years, but I think she was telling me that it was time that I forgive myself. This not only blew my mind, but it confirmed for me that I was on the right path with this.

I know how incredibly strange that might sound to you if you don’t believe in such things. But here’s the thing- I do. I do believe in these things, because they’ve been happening to me my whole life. I’ve been visited by newly dead family and friends, a lot. I’ve had some of the best experiences of my life when I wasn’t even awake. No lie.

So, back to forgiveness. If you are anything like me, you probably carry around a whole lot of extra weight, metaphorically speaking, in: guilt, shame, regret, personal failings, hard feelings, and perhaps even a smidgen of self-loathing.

Might I ever so gently suggest that you consider beginning to let those things go? Because here’s the thing…you are not alone. There is not a person on this planet who does not carry with them those feelings. We are all HUMAN, which means we screw up. We hurt people. We say awful things we can never take back. We embarrass ourselves. We get into trouble. We make bad choices. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Forgiveness, especially of ourselves, but also of others, is not something that happens in an instant. At least, it sure wasn’t for me. It’s a place you arrive at slowly, piece by piece. It goes hand in hand with acceptance, by the way- “I acknowledge that this happened, I am sorry that this happened, I am going to try to forgive myself.” And then you begin. You begin to soften towards yourself. You start to try letting go.

One thing that worked for me was, when one of those god-awful memories popped, unbidden, into my mind, more realistic than even the moment it happened, sometimes making me cringe…I would say, out loud, “I’m so sorry.” I did this as often as I needed, and I needed to a lot.

Over time, it really became easier. Time and distance and allowing those memories to surface, not shying away or denying them, has helped a lot. Occasionally, there is still a zinger. But I don’t live in that agonizing space anymore, the constant barrage of “Terrible Things I Did”.

Another useful tool I picked up in recovery was making an amends. There is something to be said for not only acknowledging our behavior, but making an effort to change going forward, and doing something positive to counteract the negative.

Today, I want you to know that forgiveness, especially of yourself, is imperative on the journey to self-love. You can be free of all that weight you carry needlessly, but it is a process. You must face yourself, you must be honest with yourself, you must be gentle with yourself. It will take some time. But you deserve your own forgiveness. You deserve to be happy. No matter what you’ve done, you deserve happiness. I encourage you to start exploring forgiveness today.