Tag Archives: being honest with yourself

Two Sides

November 26th: Two Sides

There is a me that I love, and a me that I struggle with. The side of myself that I love is quick to laugh, lighthearted, funny, and warm. The side of myself that I do not enjoy is cynical, angry, quick to take offense, difficult and sharp. She is always ready to fight.

I understand that the circumstances of my life, over time, have made both sides of me necessary for one reason or another. When times were hard, the darker side of me was my protector. Anger was easier than fear and kept people from getting too close. But the danger of living this way for too long is that it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. Times are not hard for me anymore, and I don’t need protection. I am not afraid, and I want those I love close to me. I don’t need to hide behind anger.

This morning, I have made a decision. It is time to remove the walls I have built around my heart. I will do it brick by brick if I must, but I am ready. I have done all this work on myself, and I sense that it is time to open up and start the work of repairing and strengthening the relationships in my life. Time is precious, and I’ve taken long enough.

I know that this is very specific to me, but I wanted to share it anyway…because I’m sure that there’s a part of you that you love, and a part of you that you wish you could change. Well, you can. And so can I. But it is going to take time, resolve, patience, forgiveness and love.

That’s what it boils down to, I think. Love. I want to be the part of me that I love, because that’s the part of me that understands how to love. And, even though love is at the core of every single thing I write here, it is still not always the easiest place in myself to access. I let too many things get in the way. Today, I am going to start dealing with that.

If you are reading this, I want you to think about the side of yourself that you love, and the side of yourself that causes you trouble. Which side has been in the driver’s seat? If you don’t like the answer you come up with, don’t despair- we become who we are for a reason. Be kind to yourself and see if you can get closer to the part of you that you want to be. Be patient with yourself, but firm. Let go of what no longer serves you. It’s time.

Adventure

October 30th Adventure

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel alive unless I can feel that little spark of joy lit up in my heart. The joy of excitement, adventure, new endeavors, the knowledge of something to look forward to.

When I was young, it was easy to gain access to this spark- there was always a new crush, or a fun outing, or, because I was young, just the newness of life in general that filled me with that rush of fascination and interest.

Then I grew up, and, even though I got a lot more mileage out of my “crazy years” than most, I finally did settle down. I have shown up at the same job for the past eleven years. I have an established routine, times by which kids must be dressed and out the door, times by which I must be at work, clock out, make dinner, go to bed.

I’m not going to pretend that the thrill of conquering the tasks of adulthood mean nothing to me- there is certainly joy to be found in repairing ones credit and paying bills on time. There is definitely joy in financial stability, being insured, not having to use coffee filters for toilet paper until next pay day.

But after a while, and for a long while now, for me, life has been pretty stagnant. A while back, I wound up trying to see if I could buy a house. Much to my surprise, I totally could…only, not here, not in the uber expensive town where I live. I mean, I could, if I were a contractor and didn’t mind living in a shed- which I am not, and I certainly do.

So, I thought I’d move over to a little town in the Sierra Nevada’s where my grandparent’s home still is, which my mother lives in at least part of the time. But one day it hit me- why am I going through all this stuff instead of addressing what I really want to do? And what do I really want to do?

Well, I want to live in New England. Like, really, really bad.

So, I decided to pursue that. And it is actually happening. As soon as I made up my mind and took some steps to go after it, everything started falling into place. Right now, my plan is to stay for one year. One full year in New England, long enough to see every season, long enough to explore many of the things I want to see. What happens beyond that year, I don’t know.

Am I scared? Of COURSE I am! I’m not an idiot. But more than that, I am thrilled. Like, wind in my face, climbing the big hill of the roller coaster thrilled. The possibilities are endless- the friends I might make and the things I might learn. I am wide open, ready to embrace the experience fully. And I feel alive, full of joy, and deeply grateful for the way the Universe seems to want to accommodate me. It’s really pretty spectacular.

Today, ask yourself how long it’s been since you’ve felt truly inspired by your life. Are you going after one thing because it’s easier, when you deeply desire something else? Are you excited about anything? Do you have big plans, something to look forward to? This is the only life you get (as you, anyway). I encourage you to light that fire, take charge, and find your next adventure. Time’s a ticking.

Forgiveness

October 27th: Forgiveness

You know, I was a little concerned about my decision to embark on a multi-day theme here. That was not what I intended when I started this (FYI, I started writing these long before I decided to make it into a blog…so there are plenty of extras should a day come when I can’t write, for some reason)- my intention was to write what my heart and spirit felt called towards via meditation, prayer, or whatever popped into my head during the day that wouldn’t go away. Might sound funky and weird, but…I’m a funky, weird person, so…it fits.

But I worried that deciding ahead of time what I would focus on would interrupt the flow, I guess. Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

Yesterday, I said we’d talk about forgiveness today. Last night, via my dreams, I believe I was finally not only forgiven by a loved one that has been gone nearly twenty years, but I think she was telling me that it was time that I forgive myself. This not only blew my mind, but it confirmed for me that I was on the right path with this.

I know how incredibly strange that might sound to you if you don’t believe in such things. But here’s the thing- I do. I do believe in these things, because they’ve been happening to me my whole life. I’ve been visited by newly dead family and friends, a lot. I’ve had some of the best experiences of my life when I wasn’t even awake. No lie.

So, back to forgiveness. If you are anything like me, you probably carry around a whole lot of extra weight, metaphorically speaking, in: guilt, shame, regret, personal failings, hard feelings, and perhaps even a smidgen of self-loathing.

Might I ever so gently suggest that you consider beginning to let those things go? Because here’s the thing…you are not alone. There is not a person on this planet who does not carry with them those feelings. We are all HUMAN, which means we screw up. We hurt people. We say awful things we can never take back. We embarrass ourselves. We get into trouble. We make bad choices. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Forgiveness, especially of ourselves, but also of others, is not something that happens in an instant. At least, it sure wasn’t for me. It’s a place you arrive at slowly, piece by piece. It goes hand in hand with acceptance, by the way- “I acknowledge that this happened, I am sorry that this happened, I am going to try to forgive myself.” And then you begin. You begin to soften towards yourself. You start to try letting go.

One thing that worked for me was, when one of those god-awful memories popped, unbidden, into my mind, more realistic than even the moment it happened, sometimes making me cringe…I would say, out loud, “I’m so sorry.” I did this as often as I needed, and I needed to a lot.

Over time, it really became easier. Time and distance and allowing those memories to surface, not shying away or denying them, has helped a lot. Occasionally, there is still a zinger. But I don’t live in that agonizing space anymore, the constant barrage of “Terrible Things I Did”.

Another useful tool I picked up in recovery was making an amends. There is something to be said for not only acknowledging our behavior, but making an effort to change going forward, and doing something positive to counteract the negative.

Today, I want you to know that forgiveness, especially of yourself, is imperative on the journey to self-love. You can be free of all that weight you carry needlessly, but it is a process. You must face yourself, you must be honest with yourself, you must be gentle with yourself. It will take some time. But you deserve your own forgiveness. You deserve to be happy. No matter what you’ve done, you deserve happiness. I encourage you to start exploring forgiveness today.