caution | Notes From Elsewhere

November 10^th: Confidence

A few months back, I turned a bit too early to go down an alley and smashed up the rear passenger door of my car. Prior to that, I was highly confident in my ability as a driver. At 44, I had never been in an accident- especially one so stupid, that was totally my own fault! To make matters worse, as I was maneuvering my car around, seconds before I hit the short little pole, I had been thinking to myself “Dammit, I’m a good driver!”

Well…maybe not quite as good as I thought, huh? After the little incident happened, I found that my faith in my own driving skills faltered quite a bit. I was nervous when I backed out of my driveway, slow when I pulled into a parking spot, jumpy when I needed to angle my car around my garbage cans on trash day.

Some time has passed now- I got the door repaired, and I’m not nervous anymore like I was right after it happened. I am a bit more cautious, though, and not nearly so cocky.

This is a good illustration, on a smaller scale, of many instances where my confidence was shaken. When someone you love and trust hurts or betrays you, you feel foolish, and for a while it’s hard to trust again. But after a while, you heal, and you allow yourself to love and trust someone new…but it takes time and with the wisdom you gained in the past, you are more discerning.

After a gazillion years (it seemed like anyway) of dealing with my own addiction and relapses, the last time I got clean, I didn’t have any confidence that it would last. It took a long, long time for me to trust myself. Over the past five years, through lots of hard work, soul searching, brutal honesty, growth, change and consistent effort, I can tell you this: I have never liked myself more than I do today. I have never needed the approval of others less. I have never had less worries, I have never thought harder about or been more careful with my words and actions. In short, I am the most confident I have ever been in my life.

But I am not over-confident. I know that who I am now did not come easy. I know that who I was before is not someone I ever care to be again. And I know that she and I are one and the same- opposite sides of the same coin. I don’t fear returning to that person, exactly…but I am certainly aware at all times, probably more than anyone would ever guess, that she existed. That she exists, to some extent, inside of me.

The confidence I have today has nothing to do with my appearance. It doesn’t depend on the opinions of other people. It doesn’t change because of something unkind someone says about me. It is built on a solid foundation of trust, grown over time. I know I will keep showing up. I know I will do the right thing. I know that when I am wrong, I can own up to it, and say I’m sorry. I know who I am, and I have faith in that person. And it may have taken me a long time to get here, but I earned my spot. That feels really good to me.

I hope that you understand and believe, on a deep level, that your worth has nothing to do with physical beauty. Beauty fades. But there is nothing more captivating than a woman or man who is confident in their own ability to handle whatever life throws at them. If you are striving for something, let it be inner strength, faith in yourself, and belief in your ability to achieve whatever you want in life. I’ve never felt anything better than the security of knowing I am safe in my life because I can trust myself. I wish I had known this a long time ago. But I know it now, and I wish it for you, as well.

October 31^st: Fear

Ha, I just realized this is a perfect topic for Halloween! Fear! But, as I stood brushing my teeth a few minutes ago, wondering what I was supposed to write about today, and the word “Fear” popped into my head, it wasn’t the monsters-lurking-under-the-bed type of fear that was calling to me. It was more the “Oh my God, what am I even doing?!” type.

You see, even earlier this morning, I booked two round trip flights from SFO to Boston Logan for my daughter and I, for March, to go look at possible places in Maine…or possibly New Hampshire…where we might want to live when we move next year.

I think what this did was, it made it a little more real for me. It’s one thing to daydream about something in a far-off, someday kinda way. To talk about it, say it like you mean it, picture it in your head. It’s another thing entirely to take steps towards that idea becoming a reality. And that is what I am doing- not just making plans but following through.

Now suddenly…I am kind of freaking out. Here are some things that popped into my head after hitting the “complete your flight reservation” button.

“What if there is a snowstorm and I’m too scared to drive?”

“What if I hit black ice and kill both of us?”

“What if it turns out that I HATE the cold?”

“What if I run out of money?”

“What if…what if I am making the worst mistake of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE?!”

You see how that snowballed? (no pun intended, but absolutely delighted by it anyway)

So, here’s what I have to say to myself: If there is a snowstorm, you don’t have to drive. You’ll make alternate plans. You can’t control black ice, but you can drive slowly and when it’s light out, and you will be cautious. If you hate the cold, guess what? No one is forcing you to do ANYTHING. You are allowed to change your mind. You will not run out of money. And the worst mistake of your life? Seriously? Have you forgotten where you came from? Settle down.

It’s normal to be afraid when you are making big, or sometimes even small, changes in your life. There are no guarantees that things will work out the way you want them to. I know this. I also know that sticking with the tried and true, while safer, isn’t the way I envision living my life. Knowing this, it will be necessary to accept that I will have moments of self-doubt and fear. And that’s okay. I will press on anyway.

Today, I hope that if you are being called to take a leap of faith, but you are allowing fear to stop you, you can start to see that your fear is not a red light, but a yellow one- at most. Fear asks us to slow down and pay attention. In most cases, it doesn’t mean to stop completely, to give up, to turn around. Fear is a helper, if you let it be. Rather than run away from it, see if you can acknowledge it, hear what it has to say, and if there is space for both your aspirations and a healthy dose of caution. Just make sure fear isn’t hogging up more room than it should. It likes to spread out when you don’t keep an eye on it.