Tag Archives: Change

Examining Labels

January 8th: Examining Labels

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I am totally oblivious to things that are happening inside of me, in my own life. For someone who thinks of herself as pretty self-aware, this can be kind of jarring, but that is exactly what dawned on me yesterday.

Turns out I’ve been trying to be on a certain path for a long while now, and I’ve been fighting myself every step of the way.

Let me explain- you know how, all your life people tell you certain things about yourself and you hear them so often that you believe them to be true? Like, for instance, I am outgoing. I am a people person. I am a social butterfly, a chatterbox, friendly, funny, entertaining. Total extrovert, right? Well, kinda. But that isn’t all there is to see, that’s just the labels I got stuck with and believed. So, when I started to retreat a few years back, I thought that meant there was something wrong with me. If I wanted solitude, if I wanted something quieter, I must be depressed or something, right? Every year, my resolutions have included some form of being more social, more out and about, busier.

Well…let me introduce you to the theme of this year for me: “The Year of Knowing Less”. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Okay, fine, it’s a little weird, but you know what? It fits me, and it makes me feel…like I can breathe.

While it’s true that I might love a good conversation, and that I enjoy making people laugh, the endless onslaught of information through social media has been dragging me down for years. Not that I have the willpower to stay away from it, you understand. It’s like trying to avert your eyes from a gruesome accident on the highway- I don’t want to look, but it’s nearly impossible not to. But as of recently, I’ve done a mighty good job of scaling way, way back on my consumption. Same thing with the news- I despise the president, and everything that is happening in our government with a passion. Like, I knew it would be bad, but I had no idea it would get this bad. However, me knowing about all of it, arguing about it, constantly keeping myself abreast of every detail…it has not helped me one iota. Not once. So, I’m out.

The thing is, this is what I’ve wanted for such a long time. Less knowing. Less craziness. More quiet. But I’ve been fighting it because I have held onto the labels I’ve accepted for myself without examining them to see if they were still true.

What I know to be true at this moment is this: I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me or the way I choose to live my life. I don’t have any interest in participating in meaningless internet chatter or getting myself all riled up over anything that I can do nothing about, or that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I am okay with my world being a little smaller, and a lot quieter. I am devoted to living a life that works best for me, and I will continually seek that out…even if no one else understands my choices.

Here’s the thing- it doesn’t matter if you are sixteen or sixty-three, you owe yourself the chance to live a life you love. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you have to honor yourself- when you do that, everything else will begin to fall into place. Maybe not right away- there might be some strife and some struggle- but eventually, you’ll find your footing. Examine the labels you have taken as truth. You might find that some of them don’t fit anymore, or maybe never really did. Figure out who you really are and go from there. Be brave. You won’t be sorry.

Different

December 6th: Different

We cannot change the world- at least, not in the way we would like to, right? Every day, I am privy to crazy happenings all around the world…people doing the most heinous, awful things, things most of us cannot comprehend ever doing to another human being. Hell, my own government here in the US is so corrupt it is painful and stressful to bear witness to! If I could, and I think many of us would do the same, I would put a stop to. Just like that. “Hey! Knock that shit off! Didn’t your mother teach you better than that?” In my fantasy, it would be that simple.

The truth is, not only can we not change the world just like that, we cannot change most things. Almost everything is beyond our control. Even changing ourselves is very difficult.

Yes, you heard me right- me, the one who is always going on about self-acceptance is now talking about changing. Listen, you can love yourself exactly as you are while still working on yourself. As a matter of fact, I think that might be the only way we can create lasting change in our lives- by loving ourselves through it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t gotten very far by hating myself into change. Trust me, I’ve tried.

My point is, we can really only change ourselves. But when we make positive changes in our lives and become happier, it benefits everyone we come into contact with. You have no idea how you might inspire others by bettering yourself. I am constantly surprised by the people who tell me that my words have resonated with them, that they needed to hear what I had to say, that it made a difference in their lives. Even if I just make someone laugh, that’s still a positive vibe I helped create that wasn’t there before. What we do and say, the healing we pursue, the changes we make to evolve matter. A lot.

Today, I hope you can do one thing differently than you did yesterday. One thing that you wish you could incorporate into your life, one little thing that you think might make your life richer or more peaceful or just run more smoothly- I hope you take the time to do it. We don’t change our lives overnight. It’s always one small thing, one building block upon another. That is how we build the life we dream of. So…I challenge you to start here. Today, do something different.

Choices

November 24th: Choices

You know, the older I get, the more complicated my perception of myself has gotten. I sometimes feel like I am all of the things I ever was, at every point in my life, all at once. This is not the case. Though my past experiences shaped me, and the memories continue to influence my decisions today, I am not the same person I used to be. I am this person, sitting here, now.

Look, we all have experienced trauma. We all carry painful memories, things that were our fault, and things that most definitely were not. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

At a certain point, you have some choices to make. Do I want to be so married to my pain that I let it become my identity, or do I want to take the reins and forge a new way forward for myself? For me, at least, the answer was easy. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore of being who I was. Sure, there was a lot of pain involved in changing, too, but at least it was different pain. Pain with a purpose. Growing pains are no joke.

The other day, I was laying in my bed reading, and something popped up…some memory that made me uncomfortable, I don’t know what it was. And I just thought to myself “I forgive you for everything, for all of it…every single thing you did, every minute. I forgive you.” It was the most random thing, but I felt so peaceful afterward. In that moment, I made the choice to do something different. Instead of dwelling, I addressed my feelings of shame with forgiveness. Now I remind myself of that choice each time one of those memories tries to ambush me.

I could use a lot more words here to explain to you why, though you are entitled to your pain, it might not be serving you. How it’s your job to address your issues no matter who caused them, even if that isn’t fair. That the energy you pour into beating yourself up or reliving the past could be used on forgiving yourself, letting go, and starting again. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Today, if you are reading this, I hope you know that the choices you make today matter a thousand times more than any you made in the past. So make good ones.

Fleeting

November 1st: Fleeting

Last night, I was poised to do what I always do on Halloween- stay home to wait for the one or two kids that come tripping up my stairs in their sparkly costumes, shyly whispering “Trick-or-Treat!” as they hold out their bags. And really, as much as I do enjoy this, it’s more an excuse to not have to walk the streets for hours at night- after all, I get up around 3 every morning, so by the time I get off work at 5, I’m tired.

Last night, that was my intention. Let dad take Camryn like he usually does, and I can sit here on my couch and wait, munching on the candy that is meant for the trick-or-treaters, and finally getting some time to read my book.

But…something occurred to me while I was helping Cam get ready last night. Actually, that isn’t right- what happened was, it occurred to that I wasn’t helping Cam get ready last night. She didn’t need my help. I offered, and she didn’t even want my help. She had it. She drew on her own kitty nose, and her own whiskers, put on her own mascara, and her own lipstick. The only thing she needed help with was her tail, and anyone might need help with that.

I thought to myself ‘how many more times?’. How many more Halloweens will she be so excited about the day from the minute she wakes up? How many more years will she wait, in agony, for it to be the right time to start knocking on doors? How long before deciding what to be this year is a months-long dilemma? How long before she doesn’t even want one of her embarrassing parents to tag along with her, let alone both of us?

And so, just like that, I changed the plan. I lit all seven of the pumpkins we’d carved and left a basket full of candy on the top step, and I tagged along. I’m so glad I did. I spoke with neighbors I’ve never met, and visited with ones I know, people who have seen Camryn grow these past five years. I saw darling little old ladies in Witch hats, and the guy who wears the ape mask every year when he hands out candy. But most importantly of all, I was there to watch my little girl…well, be a little girl.

Here’s the thing- as humans, we have this weird ability to trick ourselves into thinking that the way things are is the way they will always be. I think it is probably a coping mechanism that has to do with ignoring our own mortality or something. Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s just because we don’t see very well the things that are most often in front of us. But it is an illusion. Time waits for no one, as the saying goes. We age, our children grow up and change, time marches on. It happens gradually, sure, but one day- one Halloween, one birthday, one first day of school…everything is different. Your role will change, and you find yourself looking back longingly at the very same things you once grumbled about- or at the very least, silently wished you could pawn off on someone else.

Today, as we start rolling full force into the holiday season, I hope that you can find a way to engage wholeheartedly, so that there is meaning in it for you. If you have children, be mindful that the atmosphere you create becomes the memories they carry for life. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just warm, loving. If you don’t have children, or if they are grown, or if you are the child and your family is not a safe place to land…remember, you still deserve to slow down, to show up for yourself, and to create beautiful memories. With a little imagination and creativity, there are so many ways to celebrate, to give and receive the abundance of love we all have. Wherever you might be, whoever you are, remember- life is precious and fleeting. Make the most of it.

Trust

October 29th: Trust

For me, one of the most delightful and empowering milestones I have ever reached was the day when I realized I could trust myself.

That day happened about two weeks ago. I’m not kidding.

I was in the shower one morning, reflecting on a situation that had just occurred the day prior. Basically, I had been seeing this great guy for a few months, but it got…less great, I guess you might say. There were many things that I recognized as things that would not work for me, let’s say, and knowing this, I did what was right for me and I broke it off.

A couple of weeks earlier, I had expressed my concerns to a friend or two, and the basic consensus was- “dating sucks, he sounds awesome, try to make it work.” I allowed myself a brief period of being convinced they were right, sort of panicked and tried to figure out how I could make myself be…I dunno…grateful?

Then I remembered that it was ME in the situation, not them, and only I could decide what did and didn’t work for me- no matter how good it might look on the surface. I went to no one for advice, I made up my mind, and I made a really uncomfortable, awkward phone call. Afterwards, I felt nothing except…relieved. I honestly didn’t give it another thought.

So, in the shower the following morning, I was reflecting on that. Not just the fact that I knew I had made the right call, that I could tell by how light my spirit felt, but by the shocking fact that I had taken my own counsel! I had known myself well enough to know that moving forward in a situation where I was ultimately feeling stifled was not going to magically get better. I had done the exact right thing for me. This was new territory for me, boy, let me tell ya!

Following that, an absolute flurry of decisions started being made. I was drunk with the power of having faith in my own abilities to stand at the helm of my life. I was suddenly sure that I could handle the job. That I was thoughtful and smart and practical enough to choose wisely.

Listen, when you have lived a rather crazy life, marred by whole swaths of time obliterated by black marks of bad choices, trust in yourself does not come easy. It comes after a lot of time and testing. But when that day finally arrives, it is, again, the most delightful and empowering milestone you can reach. And it goes a long way towards loving yourself completely, that’s for sure.

Today, I want you to ask, “Can I trust myself?”. If the answer is “yes, of course!”, then you are one lucky duck! If, however, the answer is “Ehh…I mean, it’s kinda hit or miss.” Or “Sometimes.” Or “Fuck to the no, I am not to be trusted.”, the good news is, based on your response, you can surmise a lot about where you are at right now in your life. The reason that’s good news is that when you know where you are, you can figure out how to get to where you want to be. Remember, wherever you are on your journey, you are permitted- nay, encouraged- to see the good in yourself. If you can do that today, you are doing just fine. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, practicing acceptance and forgiveness, doing your best…and trust will follow. You’ll see!

Your Magic

October 25th:  Your Magic

I am sitting here this morning with candle wax all over my pajama bottoms (it’s a long story) and in a threadbare Mickey Mouse t-shirt given to me by the great love of my life probably 18 years ago. I have spent the morning so far looking at houses on the East Coast, marveling at the embarrassment of options life has spread out before me. Not in my wildest dreams did I consider a life that looks the way mine does today…and this is only the beginning!

For context, for those of you who don’t know, 5 years ago I was coming to the end of my very last “run”, a relatively short- 5 months or so- drug relapse that was very thorough and very, very ugly. I am not going to talk about this much, because that part of my life is over and done with, but I will tell you that I put a substance in my body for the first time at age 13, and I did not stop trying to destroy myself that way until I was 39. That is a long, long time. There were times when I almost lost hope of ever changing.

Almost. But I didn’t, not completely. You know why? Because I have known something about myself from as far back as I can remember, and it saved my life. I have known that there is something in me that is magic. There is something inside of me that is beautiful, it is a gift, it can flow out of me and into other people and make them laugh or smile or just feel better. I knew, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I had something worth saving in me and that when I got there, when I became the person I was meant to be, my life would change dramatically.

Well, here I am. Five years, lots of therapy, lots of tears and deep digging and SO. MUCH. WORK…and I think that I am arriving. Five years! Do you know how little time that is, in the grand scheme of things? It’s nothing! I was so busy doing the work, I didn’t even notice the time.

I’m going to tell you something- I am not special. I am about as average as a person could be. The only difference I can think of is that I am lucky enough to know what I desire out of life, and I am driven enough to go after it. I have a snippet of a famous quote by Winston Churchill on my wall that is my personal motto- “Never, never, never give up”. I was given something with those words on it when I was 29 and I took it seriously. I do not give up.

What I am saying is, we ALL have this magic inside of us. It is inherent to us all, it is part of our very spirit. There is something inside of you, only you know what it is, that makes you light up, that makes you feel more alive than anything else. Something that holds your interest, a dream you’ve never let go of. You know the one, don’t you?

Today, I want you to stop telling yourself that fine is good enough. Stop ignoring that longing in your heart. Take five minutes and imagine what it would be like if you were working towards the life of your dreams…because when you are working towards something so valuable to you, the journey is truly its own reward. I’m not just saying that, it’s TRUE. There are innumerable paths you can choose to take in life, but there is one that will take you to the person you were meant to be. It might have a lot of twists and turns, but man…it is worth it. Choose wisely.