Tag Archives: choices

Choices

November 24th: Choices

You know, the older I get, the more complicated my perception of myself has gotten. I sometimes feel like I am all of the things I ever was, at every point in my life, all at once. This is not the case. Though my past experiences shaped me, and the memories continue to influence my decisions today, I am not the same person I used to be. I am this person, sitting here, now.

Look, we all have experienced trauma. We all carry painful memories, things that were our fault, and things that most definitely were not. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

At a certain point, you have some choices to make. Do I want to be so married to my pain that I let it become my identity, or do I want to take the reins and forge a new way forward for myself? For me, at least, the answer was easy. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore of being who I was. Sure, there was a lot of pain involved in changing, too, but at least it was different pain. Pain with a purpose. Growing pains are no joke.

The other day, I was laying in my bed reading, and something popped up…some memory that made me uncomfortable, I don’t know what it was. And I just thought to myself “I forgive you for everything, for all of it…every single thing you did, every minute. I forgive you.” It was the most random thing, but I felt so peaceful afterward. In that moment, I made the choice to do something different. Instead of dwelling, I addressed my feelings of shame with forgiveness. Now I remind myself of that choice each time one of those memories tries to ambush me.

I could use a lot more words here to explain to you why, though you are entitled to your pain, it might not be serving you. How it’s your job to address your issues no matter who caused them, even if that isn’t fair. That the energy you pour into beating yourself up or reliving the past could be used on forgiving yourself, letting go, and starting again. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Today, if you are reading this, I hope you know that the choices you make today matter a thousand times more than any you made in the past. So make good ones.

Beginnings

November 9th: Beginnings

I love beginnings- the start of a new book (whether I’m reading it or writing it), a new relationship, the first day in a new house, when you are standing in the living room, looking around at the clean floors and the empty walls, deciding where things will go.

That’s probably why I love these early mornings so much, too; if I get up super early, I get just that much more newness out of the day. Time to decide what I can accomplish in the hours ahead, time to set myself up for the best possible outcome by meditating and honoring my creative pursuits, setting intentions and practicing gratitude- you know, all that hokey shit I’m into. Listen, I am practical, realistic, and honest to the point of being blunt, so I know how annoying and weird all this woo-woo spiritual stuff can sound. I also know that it works for me. And if it helps me, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t help you, or anyone else, for that matter. No matter what your circumstances happen to be, gratitude, meditation (or mindfulness), goals (or intentions), and creativity (or doing something that fills you with joy), when pursued regularly, will benefit your life. Take the spiritual component out if it makes you feel more comfortable, and you still have a worthwhile endeavor. Unless you are profoundly depressed, in which case it is basically impossible to believe that happiness will ever exist or even that it ever has existed in your life (I was gifted this knowledge by post-partum depression, circa 2010), or dealing with another mental illness that distorts reality, the practices I’ve listed are more than just mumbo-jumbo.

Mindfulness and meditation have helped me become aware of my thoughts and slow down enough to start to change them. Setting intentions and goals gives me direction and purpose. Being creative or doing something that makes me happy…well, it makes me happy. Joy is super important. And expressing gratitude underlines how much is going right, even when my feelings don’t match my situation. You can feel terrible, and still have so much to be grateful for.

So, back to beginnings- I love mornings, and Monday’s, my birthday, New Year’s, new moons, new months…all of those things. I’m a sucker for a fresh start. The start of something new is ripe with possibility, like the first blank page in a notebook.

But here’s the thing- you don’t have to wait for Monday to roll around to start over again. You can– hell, “Next Monday” is the second most popular day to start a diet, right behind “tomorrow”. The problem with next Monday’s and tomorrow’s is that they have a habit of staying just a little bit ahead of us, in the future. That’s why, even if it’s 2:45 on a Wednesday afternoon from hell, you can choose right then and there, to start over. You can take a deep, dramatic breath, super loud if you want- you can even slump down in your chair and scrunch your eyes shut or shake your hands like you are trying to dry them off, if it helps. Or, you can simply, silently decide “Okay, enough of this.”, and you can reboot. Make a small shift in your behavior or your attitude, and change direction.

And I say your behavior and your attitude because, of course, those are the only things you can control. You can’t keep your coworkers from bringing in piles of baked goods every day, but you don’t have to eat them. You can’t keep slow drivers out of the fast lane, but you don’t have to get enraged over it. You can’t stop life from happening exactly the way it does, but you can choose how you respond to it. Even if you have been grouchy and angry and miserable all day long and it’s eight p.m., you can stop right now and start over.

Today, I want to thank you for hearing me out. I know this was a little longer than usual, but I needed to share this with you. If you realize you are in the habit of being unhappy, you owe it to yourself to change that. If your thoughts are mostly negative, if your life is just this side of miserable, if nothing is working out the way you wanted…give yourself permission to start over. I’m not talking about running away, I’m talking about changing your perspective. Trying something different. We are creatures of habit, and sometimes we don’t even realize the impact our own thoughts and words and attitude have on our lives. I encourage you to pay attention. Think about it. And, whenever you need to, however it looks for you- don’t be afraid to start over. The beginning is wherever you want it to be.

Your Magic

October 25th:  Your Magic

I am sitting here this morning with candle wax all over my pajama bottoms (it’s a long story) and in a threadbare Mickey Mouse t-shirt given to me by the great love of my life probably 18 years ago. I have spent the morning so far looking at houses on the East Coast, marveling at the embarrassment of options life has spread out before me. Not in my wildest dreams did I consider a life that looks the way mine does today…and this is only the beginning!

For context, for those of you who don’t know, 5 years ago I was coming to the end of my very last “run”, a relatively short- 5 months or so- drug relapse that was very thorough and very, very ugly. I am not going to talk about this much, because that part of my life is over and done with, but I will tell you that I put a substance in my body for the first time at age 13, and I did not stop trying to destroy myself that way until I was 39. That is a long, long time. There were times when I almost lost hope of ever changing.

Almost. But I didn’t, not completely. You know why? Because I have known something about myself from as far back as I can remember, and it saved my life. I have known that there is something in me that is magic. There is something inside of me that is beautiful, it is a gift, it can flow out of me and into other people and make them laugh or smile or just feel better. I knew, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I had something worth saving in me and that when I got there, when I became the person I was meant to be, my life would change dramatically.

Well, here I am. Five years, lots of therapy, lots of tears and deep digging and SO. MUCH. WORK…and I think that I am arriving. Five years! Do you know how little time that is, in the grand scheme of things? It’s nothing! I was so busy doing the work, I didn’t even notice the time.

I’m going to tell you something- I am not special. I am about as average as a person could be. The only difference I can think of is that I am lucky enough to know what I desire out of life, and I am driven enough to go after it. I have a snippet of a famous quote by Winston Churchill on my wall that is my personal motto- “Never, never, never give up”. I was given something with those words on it when I was 29 and I took it seriously. I do not give up.

What I am saying is, we ALL have this magic inside of us. It is inherent to us all, it is part of our very spirit. There is something inside of you, only you know what it is, that makes you light up, that makes you feel more alive than anything else. Something that holds your interest, a dream you’ve never let go of. You know the one, don’t you?

Today, I want you to stop telling yourself that fine is good enough. Stop ignoring that longing in your heart. Take five minutes and imagine what it would be like if you were working towards the life of your dreams…because when you are working towards something so valuable to you, the journey is truly its own reward. I’m not just saying that, it’s TRUE. There are innumerable paths you can choose to take in life, but there is one that will take you to the person you were meant to be. It might have a lot of twists and turns, but man…it is worth it. Choose wisely.