Drive | Notes From Elsewhere

October 30^th Adventure

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel alive unless I can feel that little spark of joy lit up in my heart. The joy of excitement, adventure, new endeavors, the knowledge of something to look forward to.

When I was young, it was easy to gain access to this spark- there was always a new crush, or a fun outing, or, because I was young, just the newness of life in general that filled me with that rush of fascination and interest.

Then I grew up, and, even though I got a lot more mileage out of my “crazy years” than most, I finally did settle down. I have shown up at the same job for the past eleven years. I have an established routine, times by which kids must be dressed and out the door, times by which I must be at work, clock out, make dinner, go to bed.

I’m not going to pretend that the thrill of conquering the tasks of adulthood mean nothing to me- there is certainly joy to be found in repairing ones credit and paying bills on time. There is definitely joy in financial stability, being insured, not having to use coffee filters for toilet paper until next pay day.

But after a while, and for a long while now, for me, life has been pretty stagnant. A while back, I wound up trying to see if I could buy a house. Much to my surprise, I totally could…only, not here, not in the uber expensive town where I live. I mean, I could, if I were a contractor and didn’t mind living in a shed- which I am not, and I certainly do.

So, I thought I’d move over to a little town in the Sierra Nevada’s where my grandparent’s home still is, which my mother lives in at least part of the time. But one day it hit me- why am I going through all this stuff instead of addressing what I really want to do? And what do I really want to do?

Well, I want to live in New England. Like, really, really bad.

So, I decided to pursue that. And it is actually happening. As soon as I made up my mind and took some steps to go after it, everything started falling into place. Right now, my plan is to stay for one year. One full year in New England, long enough to see every season, long enough to explore many of the things I want to see. What happens beyond that year, I don’t know.

Am I scared? Of COURSE I am! I’m not an idiot. But more than that, I am thrilled. Like, wind in my face, climbing the big hill of the roller coaster thrilled. The possibilities are endless- the friends I might make and the things I might learn. I am wide open, ready to embrace the experience fully. And I feel alive, full of joy, and deeply grateful for the way the Universe seems to want to accommodate me. It’s really pretty spectacular.

Today, ask yourself how long it’s been since you’ve felt truly inspired by your life. Are you going after one thing because it’s easier, when you deeply desire something else? Are you excited about anything? Do you have big plans, something to look forward to? This is the only life you get (as you, anyway). I encourage you to light that fire, take charge, and find your next adventure. Time’s a ticking.

October 25^th: Your Magic

I am sitting here this morning with candle wax all over my pajama bottoms (it’s a long story) and in a threadbare Mickey Mouse t-shirt given to me by the great love of my life probably 18 years ago. I have spent the morning so far looking at houses on the East Coast, marveling at the embarrassment of options life has spread out before me. Not in my wildest dreams did I consider a life that looks the way mine does today…and this is only the beginning!

For context, for those of you who don’t know, 5 years ago I was coming to the end of my very last “run”, a relatively short- 5 months or so- drug relapse that was very thorough and very, very ugly. I am not going to talk about this much, because that part of my life is over and done with, but I will tell you that I put a substance in my body for the first time at age 13, and I did not stop trying to destroy myself that way until I was 39. That is a long, long time. There were times when I almost lost hope of ever changing.

Almost. But I didn’t, not completely. You know why? Because I have known something about myself from as far back as I can remember, and it saved my life. I have known that there is something in me that is magic. There is something inside of me that is beautiful, it is a gift, it can flow out of me and into other people and make them laugh or smile or just feel better. I knew, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I had something worth saving in me and that when I got there, when I became the person I was meant to be, my life would change dramatically.

Well, here I am. Five years, lots of therapy, lots of tears and deep digging and SO. MUCH. WORK…and I think that I am arriving. Five years! Do you know how little time that is, in the grand scheme of things? It’s nothing! I was so busy doing the work, I didn’t even notice the time.

I’m going to tell you something- I am not special. I am about as average as a person could be. The only difference I can think of is that I am lucky enough to know what I desire out of life, and I am driven enough to go after it. I have a snippet of a famous quote by Winston Churchill on my wall that is my personal motto- “Never, never, never give up”. I was given something with those words on it when I was 29 and I took it seriously. I do not give up.

What I am saying is, we ALL have this magic inside of us. It is inherent to us all, it is part of our very spirit. There is something inside of you, only you know what it is, that makes you light up, that makes you feel more alive than anything else. Something that holds your interest, a dream you’ve never let go of. You know the one, don’t you?

Today, I want you to stop telling yourself that fine is good enough. Stop ignoring that longing in your heart. Take five minutes and imagine what it would be like if you were working towards the life of your dreams…because when you are working towards something so valuable to you, the journey is truly its own reward. I’m not just saying that, it’s TRUE. There are innumerable paths you can choose to take in life, but there is one that will take you to the person you were meant to be. It might have a lot of twists and turns, but man…it is worth it. Choose wisely.