Tag Archives: family

Give

December 10th: Give

This time of year, we are bombarded with requests to give what we can to others. We have a United Way drive at work, the Salvation Army dudes are out ringing their bells, our mailboxes are filled with envelopes asking for money. And you know…if you have it to give, it is a nice thing to do. But not all of us have it like that, especially around Christmas time. We have families to travel to, gifts to buy, dinners to plan.

You know what you always have to give, though? Yourself. Your time. Your ears and your arms and your love. Just by virtue of being the beautiful person you are on this planet right now, you are a small but mighty giving machine.

A girlfriend of mine is going through a terrible time right now. I know she is scared and sad, lost and confused. There’s not a lot I can offer her that will make anything better…but I do have time. I have that. So, I went and sat with her for a while the other night. I promised to keep my ringer turned on for her, and I have. I keep checking in with her several times a day.

A young friend of my daughter’s is also really struggling right now. Lots of heartache and hurt, all the pain of growing up compounded by feeling abandoned by their family. I spent a good hour just talking about stuff with them yesterday. Offering the wisdom I’ve gleaned over the years, and letting them know that they are doing an excellent job. And that I am here, always.

Yesterday, I helped an elderly woman pull her garbage cans in. She had a really long driveway, and she was trying to pull in the cans while walking with a cane. I was running super late and I had yelled at Camryn for going so slow, and I sat there at the stop light, and it hit me- this was one of those moments where I could just go on with my day- no one would ever know the difference, right? Or…I could do something decent. I pulled up, jumped out, asked if I could help. I put her cans by her porch, said goodbye, and went on my way. It took less than a minute.

The thing is, acts of service feed our souls. These things do not feel like chores by any means. I love being there for my friends, I love having this young person turn to me and feel safe talking to me. It makes me feel useful and connected and…loving. The love I give somehow fills me rather than takes anything away. Giving fills me up.

I don’t know about you, but that five or ten bucks they take out of my paycheck doesn’t make much of an impression on my heart. Showing up for people always does. Always. Without fail. If you don’t think you have anything to give, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Give a smile, a hug, a moment of your time. Make someone’s day a little brighter. Make someone feel seen, heard, acknowledged. You have so much to give…if you are feeling a little empty, try to give a little of yourself. See how that feels.

I Almost Forgot (AGAIN!)

As you can imagine, and I’m sure plenty of you can relate, I have been very, very busy today!

I had a regular work day, had lots of housework to finish up, then my mom came and we visited here at my house for a while before going out for dinner- I seem to have forgotten to buy food that didn’t directly involve Thanksgiving, so…And I am not one to be going to the grocery store repeatedly.

I am hitting the sack, gonna finish up this book I’m reading, snuggle with my kiddo, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be hectic.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, make sure you get some rest tonight. Prepare yourself for family interactions, if you’re having them tomorrow, and remember that your loved ones are only human- just like you. If they are hard to be with, try to remember that someday you might not have them around and you’re gonna miss this stuff. Be grateful for whatever you do have, and know someone, somewhere, would probably love to be in your shoes.

And for the LOVE OF GOD, leave the politics off the table, unless you are all on the same page. Life is just too short for that stuff. Wait until Friday to alienate everyone you love. LOL.

Talk to you tomorrow, kids.

Extra Help

November 25th: Extra Help

Late post today- as is so often true around the holidays, I am busy doing all of the things I normally do, PLUS getting ready for Thanksgiving this week. Which I foolishly insisted upon doing at my house. Yikes.

Anyway, I had a scheduled appointment with my therapist today, and I almost didn’t go, but…the truth is, it was too late to cancel on her, so I just went ahead and got down there. I felt kind of blah and didn’t think I had much to talk about…I had my mind on the million other things I needed to do.

HA! Turns out, I had quite a bit brewing in this little head of mine, hiding beneath and behind all of my busy-ness.

We talked a lot about things I could control (my attitude, my responses) and things I could not control (how my mother feels about my housekeeping, how my daughter chooses to show up, or not show up, in the world) and a little bit about stepping back and getting perspective. All things I already know, things I talk about here all the time, but…you know, I’m human. I find it easier to look out than look in sometimes. Aside from these little moments of inspiration and clarity I try to grab onto as they slide by, I’m just a bumbling little soul in a skin suit, freaking out because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

I love my therapist. I have been with her for a long, long time now, and I will tell you this- there is no substitute for a therapist that you click with and have built a rapport with over years. It can be hard to find that, but I think it is truly worth the search. I see her more often when I am struggling, and sometimes as seldom as once a month when I am doing well. She has been with me since before I finally got clean, and through the darkest of dark times. She reminds me often, when I am nitpicking myself, of how far I have come and how much I have grown. She knows alllll of it.

Today, I want to remind you that the holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances. The minute you hit adulthood, the holidays aren’t just about seeing your cousins and staying up all night trying to catch Santa coming down the chimney. There are awkward questions, hurt feelings, dry turkeys and drunk uncles. Or, you know, some rough equivalent of that. Don’t hesitate to carve out time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. I know not everyone has access to therapy, but I hope there is someone you can turn to when you need to vent. The better you feel, the more likely you’ll be to create magical memories instead of awful ones that you’ll need…well, therapy, just to get over.

Family

November 12th: Family

I had planned to write something totally different today, but time got away from me, and by the time I sat down here (just now) I realized that I am way too full and sleepy to do justice to the topic I had been feeling like writing.

So now you’re getting this.

Riding on the tail of yesterday’s post, I really did take my own advice and make more of an effort to connect with my kids today. The minute I was off work, I had Cam come help me, and together we made two stunning little meat loaves, real mashed potatoes, and green beans. She’s been helping me out a lot in the kitchen…tonight, when she didn’t seem to want to, I came clean. I told her that I didn’t technically need her help, but that I just wanted to spend time with her. “If you don’t want to help, though, you don’t have to.”

She took off for a minute, but she soon wandered back, and helped with every step. While the meat loaf was baking and the potatoes were boiling, I sat down for a break. She asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee, which I did not, but…I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and I agreed to it. It was fun.

We ate a nice meal together (I was SHOCKED to see her grub down two helpings of meatloaf filled with peppers and onions!), chatted a lot, and after dinner, we called Aisley, my first favorite child, and filled her in on our night. It was the second time today that I called her, which is not unusual at all.

I love my kids. I love the little family I created. It’s amazing how someone who had no idea what the hell she was doing managed to bring such wonderful humans into the world. It’s kind of a miracle, honestly.

The family I started out with is scattered and missing some of its most important members. My grandparents, who I worshipped, have been gone for such a long time. My uncle died just over a year ago. My mom is far away. My dad and I are not as close as we could be. If it weren’t for my girls, I think my life would be very lonely. But I have them, and I’m so glad.

Family is very important, I think. I know not everyone has a wonderful family- there were times when I wasn’t able to provide much of one for my kids, for sure. But I had great friends who played all kinds of roles, and I learned that family doesn’t have to be blood, or look a certain way, for it to be just as valuable and anchoring. Family are the people who hold you up when you are struggling, the ones who check in, the ones who will tell you the truth even when it is hard. Your family, whether they share your DNA or not, are the ones who know who you are and love you anyway.

So, if you are reading this, I hope that you will take a minute to appreciate the family you have, whoever they are. Even if they get on your last nerve and you’ve heard all their stories five thousand times, be grateful for the ones who love you dearly. That kind of love is priceless. If you don’t believe me, think about what the world would feel like without them in it…sad, isn’t it? It might not be ideal, your family- we all have our shit, you know. But, for me at least, my family is the very best part of my life.

Connection

November 11th: Connection

This afternoon, I had some errands to run. I timed it rather poorly and found myself stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. Luckily, we didn’t have a time frame, so it was no big deal. But we wound up stopping in the tunnel between New Monterey and Old, and that’s when things got funny. Someone started honking their horn, and then someone else, and soon every single car in the tunnel was leaning on their horn. All the people in all of the cars were laughing their heads off. It was just a little thing, but it made all these perfect strangers feel…connected.

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection lately. In the world we live in today, we often substitute social media for real interaction. When someone calls, we let it go to voicemail, preferring to text. I have long, ongoing conversations with people over messenger, but the truth is…sometimes I need to hear the voice of my friends. I need to see their faces, watch their expressions, hear them laugh.

In my line of work, as a medical coder, I review anywhere between 80 to roughly 100 emergency room charts per day- about a days’ worth of patients for our ER. Out of those, I would say about 15 on average are people suffering a mental health crisis. Of those 15, nearly half, if not more, are young people. Sometimes startlingly young. Lots of times.

I have seen a sharp rise in these charts over the past few years. Maybe I’m just working faster, maybe I’m just paying attention, but…I don’t know. I have a hunch that there’s more to it than that. I have a bad feeling it has something to do with the way we are living- so much of our lives with our faces glued to screens, so little time doing the stuff that makes a life feel…like living.

When I sit here and I stare at this screen all day, with lots of breaks to stare at my other, littler, phone screen…at the end of the day, I just feel empty. I feel like…what did I just do with my day? But when I do what I did this past weekend- work on the house, meet a bunch of girls at a meetup just to visit, read a book, have lunch with my boss at her house to meet her new great-grandbaby, and play with her two year old great grandson- when I sit down and share a meal and a conversation, and I connect with people…I feel full. I feel seen. I feel energized and happy, and my day feels like it was well spent.

I can’t imagine that children, with their curious minds and their newness, their thirst to learn and grow, are very different. If anything, they need more connection than we do. I think not giving that to them affects their mental health, I really do. I think it affects ours. I don’t have any proof. I haven’t researched it or checked my facts. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I think it might have some merit.

Today, if you feel so inclined, I encourage you to start thinking of some ways that you can make more time for connection in your life. Meet a friend for coffee or to go for a walk. When the phone rings (if it’s not, you know, an unknown number- never answer those!) answer it. Someone might need to hear your voice. If you have kids, turn off the TV and read together, or draw, or play a game. Think about the things you remember lovingly from your childhood and do that. Maybe put your phone on the charger and let it just be a phone for an hour or two. Candy Crush will still be there when you get back. This is advice I certainly need to take myself, and I intend to. It won’t be easy…but I think it’s important.