Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Two Sides

November 26th: Two Sides

There is a me that I love, and a me that I struggle with. The side of myself that I love is quick to laugh, lighthearted, funny, and warm. The side of myself that I do not enjoy is cynical, angry, quick to take offense, difficult and sharp. She is always ready to fight.

I understand that the circumstances of my life, over time, have made both sides of me necessary for one reason or another. When times were hard, the darker side of me was my protector. Anger was easier than fear and kept people from getting too close. But the danger of living this way for too long is that it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. Times are not hard for me anymore, and I don’t need protection. I am not afraid, and I want those I love close to me. I don’t need to hide behind anger.

This morning, I have made a decision. It is time to remove the walls I have built around my heart. I will do it brick by brick if I must, but I am ready. I have done all this work on myself, and I sense that it is time to open up and start the work of repairing and strengthening the relationships in my life. Time is precious, and I’ve taken long enough.

I know that this is very specific to me, but I wanted to share it anyway…because I’m sure that there’s a part of you that you love, and a part of you that you wish you could change. Well, you can. And so can I. But it is going to take time, resolve, patience, forgiveness and love.

That’s what it boils down to, I think. Love. I want to be the part of me that I love, because that’s the part of me that understands how to love. And, even though love is at the core of every single thing I write here, it is still not always the easiest place in myself to access. I let too many things get in the way. Today, I am going to start dealing with that.

If you are reading this, I want you to think about the side of yourself that you love, and the side of yourself that causes you trouble. Which side has been in the driver’s seat? If you don’t like the answer you come up with, don’t despair- we become who we are for a reason. Be kind to yourself and see if you can get closer to the part of you that you want to be. Be patient with yourself, but firm. Let go of what no longer serves you. It’s time.

Choices

November 24th: Choices

You know, the older I get, the more complicated my perception of myself has gotten. I sometimes feel like I am all of the things I ever was, at every point in my life, all at once. This is not the case. Though my past experiences shaped me, and the memories continue to influence my decisions today, I am not the same person I used to be. I am this person, sitting here, now.

Look, we all have experienced trauma. We all carry painful memories, things that were our fault, and things that most definitely were not. We have all been hurt, and we have all hurt others.

At a certain point, you have some choices to make. Do I want to be so married to my pain that I let it become my identity, or do I want to take the reins and forge a new way forward for myself? For me, at least, the answer was easy. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore of being who I was. Sure, there was a lot of pain involved in changing, too, but at least it was different pain. Pain with a purpose. Growing pains are no joke.

The other day, I was laying in my bed reading, and something popped up…some memory that made me uncomfortable, I don’t know what it was. And I just thought to myself “I forgive you for everything, for all of it…every single thing you did, every minute. I forgive you.” It was the most random thing, but I felt so peaceful afterward. In that moment, I made the choice to do something different. Instead of dwelling, I addressed my feelings of shame with forgiveness. Now I remind myself of that choice each time one of those memories tries to ambush me.

I could use a lot more words here to explain to you why, though you are entitled to your pain, it might not be serving you. How it’s your job to address your issues no matter who caused them, even if that isn’t fair. That the energy you pour into beating yourself up or reliving the past could be used on forgiving yourself, letting go, and starting again. Instead, I’ll just say this:

Today, if you are reading this, I hope you know that the choices you make today matter a thousand times more than any you made in the past. So make good ones.

Trust

October 29th: Trust

For me, one of the most delightful and empowering milestones I have ever reached was the day when I realized I could trust myself.

That day happened about two weeks ago. I’m not kidding.

I was in the shower one morning, reflecting on a situation that had just occurred the day prior. Basically, I had been seeing this great guy for a few months, but it got…less great, I guess you might say. There were many things that I recognized as things that would not work for me, let’s say, and knowing this, I did what was right for me and I broke it off.

A couple of weeks earlier, I had expressed my concerns to a friend or two, and the basic consensus was- “dating sucks, he sounds awesome, try to make it work.” I allowed myself a brief period of being convinced they were right, sort of panicked and tried to figure out how I could make myself be…I dunno…grateful?

Then I remembered that it was ME in the situation, not them, and only I could decide what did and didn’t work for me- no matter how good it might look on the surface. I went to no one for advice, I made up my mind, and I made a really uncomfortable, awkward phone call. Afterwards, I felt nothing except…relieved. I honestly didn’t give it another thought.

So, in the shower the following morning, I was reflecting on that. Not just the fact that I knew I had made the right call, that I could tell by how light my spirit felt, but by the shocking fact that I had taken my own counsel! I had known myself well enough to know that moving forward in a situation where I was ultimately feeling stifled was not going to magically get better. I had done the exact right thing for me. This was new territory for me, boy, let me tell ya!

Following that, an absolute flurry of decisions started being made. I was drunk with the power of having faith in my own abilities to stand at the helm of my life. I was suddenly sure that I could handle the job. That I was thoughtful and smart and practical enough to choose wisely.

Listen, when you have lived a rather crazy life, marred by whole swaths of time obliterated by black marks of bad choices, trust in yourself does not come easy. It comes after a lot of time and testing. But when that day finally arrives, it is, again, the most delightful and empowering milestone you can reach. And it goes a long way towards loving yourself completely, that’s for sure.

Today, I want you to ask, “Can I trust myself?”. If the answer is “yes, of course!”, then you are one lucky duck! If, however, the answer is “Ehh…I mean, it’s kinda hit or miss.” Or “Sometimes.” Or “Fuck to the no, I am not to be trusted.”, the good news is, based on your response, you can surmise a lot about where you are at right now in your life. The reason that’s good news is that when you know where you are, you can figure out how to get to where you want to be. Remember, wherever you are on your journey, you are permitted- nay, encouraged- to see the good in yourself. If you can do that today, you are doing just fine. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, practicing acceptance and forgiveness, doing your best…and trust will follow. You’ll see!

Forgiveness

October 27th: Forgiveness

You know, I was a little concerned about my decision to embark on a multi-day theme here. That was not what I intended when I started this (FYI, I started writing these long before I decided to make it into a blog…so there are plenty of extras should a day come when I can’t write, for some reason)- my intention was to write what my heart and spirit felt called towards via meditation, prayer, or whatever popped into my head during the day that wouldn’t go away. Might sound funky and weird, but…I’m a funky, weird person, so…it fits.

But I worried that deciding ahead of time what I would focus on would interrupt the flow, I guess. Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

Yesterday, I said we’d talk about forgiveness today. Last night, via my dreams, I believe I was finally not only forgiven by a loved one that has been gone nearly twenty years, but I think she was telling me that it was time that I forgive myself. This not only blew my mind, but it confirmed for me that I was on the right path with this.

I know how incredibly strange that might sound to you if you don’t believe in such things. But here’s the thing- I do. I do believe in these things, because they’ve been happening to me my whole life. I’ve been visited by newly dead family and friends, a lot. I’ve had some of the best experiences of my life when I wasn’t even awake. No lie.

So, back to forgiveness. If you are anything like me, you probably carry around a whole lot of extra weight, metaphorically speaking, in: guilt, shame, regret, personal failings, hard feelings, and perhaps even a smidgen of self-loathing.

Might I ever so gently suggest that you consider beginning to let those things go? Because here’s the thing…you are not alone. There is not a person on this planet who does not carry with them those feelings. We are all HUMAN, which means we screw up. We hurt people. We say awful things we can never take back. We embarrass ourselves. We get into trouble. We make bad choices. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Forgiveness, especially of ourselves, but also of others, is not something that happens in an instant. At least, it sure wasn’t for me. It’s a place you arrive at slowly, piece by piece. It goes hand in hand with acceptance, by the way- “I acknowledge that this happened, I am sorry that this happened, I am going to try to forgive myself.” And then you begin. You begin to soften towards yourself. You start to try letting go.

One thing that worked for me was, when one of those god-awful memories popped, unbidden, into my mind, more realistic than even the moment it happened, sometimes making me cringe…I would say, out loud, “I’m so sorry.” I did this as often as I needed, and I needed to a lot.

Over time, it really became easier. Time and distance and allowing those memories to surface, not shying away or denying them, has helped a lot. Occasionally, there is still a zinger. But I don’t live in that agonizing space anymore, the constant barrage of “Terrible Things I Did”.

Another useful tool I picked up in recovery was making an amends. There is something to be said for not only acknowledging our behavior, but making an effort to change going forward, and doing something positive to counteract the negative.

Today, I want you to know that forgiveness, especially of yourself, is imperative on the journey to self-love. You can be free of all that weight you carry needlessly, but it is a process. You must face yourself, you must be honest with yourself, you must be gentle with yourself. It will take some time. But you deserve your own forgiveness. You deserve to be happy. No matter what you’ve done, you deserve happiness. I encourage you to start exploring forgiveness today.