Tag Archives: friendship

Loss

December 14th: Loss

I woke up this morning, and…I just feel heavy. In my chest, and in my spirit.

Last night, I sat beside my friend for hours as she held the hand of her mommy, who had passed just before I got there. I tried so hard to be there on time, but I was waiting in the wrong part of the hospital because I didn’t realize she had been moved the day before. I don’t think that matters in any way to anyone but me, it’s just…I don’t know. I guess I don’t like the idea of her being there alone, or without a good friend beside her, even for a minute.

I can’t stop thinking about the way my friend held her mother’s hand. This is not my story to tell, so I will leave it there, but…I am just so sad. I know the way I feel is a speck of sand beside a desert of what my friend is going through, and I hate it. I know she will wake up this morning and it will all rush back, and I hate that too.

Grief is something we experience alone, no matter how many people are sharing our pain. It hurts so much that it doesn’t make sense…it doesn’t seem possible that our bodies can handle the emotions that boil up. When my grandparents died, I was still using, so I had that crutch. When I lost my dear friend a few years ago, I crumpled under the weight of my grief. I took days off work, and I just cried and cried. And that was a friend. This is her mom. It’s just too much.

I don’t need to explain to you what grief is like. You know. If you don’t know, you won’t understand until you do. Someday, it will be me, losing one of my parents, and then I will understand better her pain. I am not eager to get there.

But I do hope you know…that none of us have forever. We all have a last day. Don’t wait to fix things, don’t miss chances to be together, don’t treat people like they will always be there. Because they won’t. And once they are gone, it’s final. My friend was an excellent daughter, and she’s still finding fault with herself. Don’t give yourself real regret- you’ll make up enough as it is. That’s it, that’s my message today. Go call someone you love, and tell them.

Give

December 10th: Give

This time of year, we are bombarded with requests to give what we can to others. We have a United Way drive at work, the Salvation Army dudes are out ringing their bells, our mailboxes are filled with envelopes asking for money. And you know…if you have it to give, it is a nice thing to do. But not all of us have it like that, especially around Christmas time. We have families to travel to, gifts to buy, dinners to plan.

You know what you always have to give, though? Yourself. Your time. Your ears and your arms and your love. Just by virtue of being the beautiful person you are on this planet right now, you are a small but mighty giving machine.

A girlfriend of mine is going through a terrible time right now. I know she is scared and sad, lost and confused. There’s not a lot I can offer her that will make anything better…but I do have time. I have that. So, I went and sat with her for a while the other night. I promised to keep my ringer turned on for her, and I have. I keep checking in with her several times a day.

A young friend of my daughter’s is also really struggling right now. Lots of heartache and hurt, all the pain of growing up compounded by feeling abandoned by their family. I spent a good hour just talking about stuff with them yesterday. Offering the wisdom I’ve gleaned over the years, and letting them know that they are doing an excellent job. And that I am here, always.

Yesterday, I helped an elderly woman pull her garbage cans in. She had a really long driveway, and she was trying to pull in the cans while walking with a cane. I was running super late and I had yelled at Camryn for going so slow, and I sat there at the stop light, and it hit me- this was one of those moments where I could just go on with my day- no one would ever know the difference, right? Or…I could do something decent. I pulled up, jumped out, asked if I could help. I put her cans by her porch, said goodbye, and went on my way. It took less than a minute.

The thing is, acts of service feed our souls. These things do not feel like chores by any means. I love being there for my friends, I love having this young person turn to me and feel safe talking to me. It makes me feel useful and connected and…loving. The love I give somehow fills me rather than takes anything away. Giving fills me up.

I don’t know about you, but that five or ten bucks they take out of my paycheck doesn’t make much of an impression on my heart. Showing up for people always does. Always. Without fail. If you don’t think you have anything to give, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Give a smile, a hug, a moment of your time. Make someone’s day a little brighter. Make someone feel seen, heard, acknowledged. You have so much to give…if you are feeling a little empty, try to give a little of yourself. See how that feels.

Friendship

December 1st: Friendship

I know a lot of people. Like, I am a friendly girl, and I’m always good for a laugh. I’m not hard to talk to at all.

But I would not say I have a lot of friends. Knowing a lot of people is not the same as being true friends with them, you know what I mean?

There is one weird little caveat for me- I have lived in this little town for about thirty years, with a few departures here and there. I have had some friends for so long that they aren’t really even friends anymore- they have become like family to me. So, we might not spend a lot of time together or see each other much, but when we do hang out, it’s easy and natural. So that really is a blessing.

But I have two or three girlfriends that I always enjoy spending time with, and when I can, I do. Today, I drove through a storm way out into the country to go to a tree trimming party at my friend Mary’s house. I was late, because I had to wait for Cam to get home, and I didn’t want to drive in that weather, but…I really wanted to see my friend. And I knew that I would feel better after hanging out with her and her family.

I wasn’t wrong. I got to laugh really hard two different times, I got to talk and be with people I like and have some fun. And now my spirits are lifted and my heart is happy. Simple little things, just being around people you genuinely like and enjoy, makes such a difference. Such a wonderful difference.

I hope you take these words to heart: Life is not long, it is sometimes hard, and in the world we live in, it can get very lonely sometimes. For all of the technology helping us “connect”, we forget the value of seeing the faces of people we choose for ourselves in real life…the value of sharing a laugh around someone’s kitchen island. And that’s a shame, because there is just no replacement for that. If you get a chance to be with your friends, you should take it. It might be just the lift you need to make it through the week. Make time for your friends. Make time to connect. Make time to laugh, and talk, and be in the same room with people. It’s a wonderful thing.