Tag Archives: give thanks

Looking Back

December 30th: Looking Back

As the year reaches its conclusion, it is natural to want to peer forward into the great, unknowable future and try to plan our comeback- I’m gonna get in shape this year! I’m gonna tackle this mess for good! I’m doing Whole 30 for REALS this time! This is gonna be my year!

And all of that is wonderful. I do it, too. There is nothing this girl likes more than a fresh start- I like them so much, I figured out that I can make one wherever I choose to, though I’ll admit that January first is a biggie.

But while we are here, still in the final days of this year, I encourage you to look back. To thank yourself for the obstacles you’ve overcome in the past twelve months, to love on yourself a little for the good you did and the way you tried so hard, even if things didn’t turn out quite as you planned. I encourage you to forgive yourself if you messed up- you’re only human, after all, and what is easy for others might not come so naturally to you or I. Give yourself some grace, ease up a bit. And if 2019 was truly hard, then don’t forget to thank yourself for surviving it- you did it! No matter how bad, sad, hard, heartbreaking, grueling or awful it was, the finish line is right before you. You made it. You can put it behind you now.

Perspective is crucial. We are on the 364th day of a 365-day year. If you are looking back and seeing only what went wrong, it’s possible, I suppose, that you had the worst year of anyone, ever. But it’s far more likely that your eyes are failing you, not your life. I bet there were a lot more happy moments and good days than you can recall, and that’s okay- this seems to be the default setting for the human experience. I can remember a terrible thing my older daughter’s father said to me in 1998 with perfect clarity (that he doesn’t recall at all, mind you, and has apologized for at least five times), but I brush off and dismiss compliments and praise like I’m allergic to them. We cling to the bad- bad news, bad days, bad situations- for a bunch of reasons. For one, they hurt. Pain isn’t easily forgotten. There are lots of valid reasons we hold onto shitty things. But there are just as many reasons to hold onto, cherish, and value the good ones. In 364 days, some really great things happened too. Don’t forget about those. If you’re busy focusing on the hardships, you’re never going to notice the beauty…and you’ll be doing the same thing at the end of 2020 that you’re doing now- wishing it was behind you. So, check your perspective!

For me, 2019 was…peaceful. I experienced a lot of gratitude. I cried a lot of happy tears, and a few less-happy ones. I grew- more calm, more confident, more capable. I was a good friend. A good mother. I worked through some pain and found healing. I let go of some things that were holding me back. I resolved some fears and set myself free. I had a few revelations. I caught my eye in my mirrors reflection and smiled because I like that person. I love her, honestly. And that’s a big deal. I laughed, a lot. I was kinder, softer, and more loving this year than I’ve ever been. It was a very good year.

Today, I hope that you can look back on 2019 and understand that a year without stumbling and troubles is as impossible as a whole year without laughing or joy. I hope that you can see both, and that you choose to focus on the things that matter most. I hope that you can set down the burdens you don’t have to carry and walk into the new year a little lighter. And if you can’t see the good, remember to clean your glasses! Because it really is there, if you look hard enough.

Love

December 13th: Love

Seems like, lately, I have needed to get the day behind me in order to look back and grasp the overarching theme that it held. Sometimes I know, right at the start of the day, what I am supposed to write about…others, as recently, I need to figure it out in review.

Yesterday was all about love for me. You know…my life is rich with love. I think, perhaps, it has always been that way, but I was just too busy with my worries, my inner battles, my self-obsession & self-consciousness to get it. It was right in front of my face, and I was blind to it.

And now…I am not. I see it, and I am awestruck. I don’t know a better word to describe it than that. Absolutely in awe.

I’m searching for the right way to explain to you the place where I find myself, and it’s hard. I talk a lot about healing and gratitude, change and growth. What I hope you understand is that I am telling you my story in real time. I am discovering as I go. I am finding new truths, glimpsing these beautiful things, getting struck by new wonders, every single day. I am just now learning so much of this.

I am a really late bloomer. I was stuck in a certain pattern for many, many years. What I am learning now is that my little efforts to be more…just, more– reward me in ways I could never have imagined. Because I had no expectation of getting anything back, maybe. Maybe that’s the trick. Again, circling back to what I touched on the other day, the more I give of myself, the more my heart is filled.

Today, it is overflowing. I love my life. I love my children, so, so much. I love my friends. And I love myself. I am so grateful that I found the things I needed to save myself, so that I could live this life.

Here is what I know: I did not get here by myself. Without the love and kindness of so many people over the years, without the help of people who didn’t have to give it, but chose to, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this right now. Though it may have seemed a wasted effort to them at certain times, I am telling you right now that every bit of it mattered. The cumulative effect of the kindnesses shown to me built a bridge that carried me here. I will never forget that.

Love is the ONLY thing that means anything at the end of it all. Love is at the bottom of every smile, every kind word and gesture, every selfless moment, every hug, every tear. Without love we would never laugh, we would never bend, we would never grieve. Love is never wasted. It is the whole point of this human experience, and I hope you remember that. I hope you believe it. Love changes everything it touches…which means you can change anything by loving it. Wow. If that’s not magic, I don’t know what is.