Tag Archives: knowing yourself

Return

January 31st: Return

It is my belief that, though you may choose a word for yourself each year, if you get quiet and pay attention, the theme will reveal itself.

For me, what I am seeing so far (and this could change and probably will change) is “return”. I am returning to myself, to the parts of myself that are true and that matter most, and I am learning that these parts can only be accessed by turning away from the noise and distractions that make up so much of life as we know it today.

I say “we” as if I can safely assume that you and I are living similar lives, and I’m sure that’s a pretty big assumption. It’s just that I have found after all these years on earth that I am not ever very different than the status quo- a thing that both comforts and bums me out. LOL.

So, perhaps you have already bypassed me in this way, or never jumped on the distraction train to begin with. But I find that I can be a very approval-seeking person, and how much that rules my life is directly proportional to the amount of time I spend on social media, news stories, and trying to fit in and measure up to whatever the standard of the day is.

And that’s just it- the bar is always moving, and depending on where you are focused, the rules change, the ideals change, the opinions change. But when we return to ourselves, and shut out all that hullabaloo, we can be certain that our core values and nature will reveal themselves to be pretty darn consistent.

Yes, of course, we change over time as do our dreams and needs. But when they align with your true self, it’s more like a slow morphing, or building blocks…an evolution rather than a whole new thing.

I am discovering that who I am today is not very different from the girl I was long, long ago. I still love books and words. I still love contemplating the reason I am here and trying to work out how to make the very most of my time. I still long to see everything, explore, roam.

For a moment there, I began to lose my excitement about moving to Maine. I think it was mostly fear…my life here is so good and solid and reliable. But given a little time, I have returned to that as well. I feel more than ever that I want this adventure, I want to see what life holds for me beyond this little safe space I’ve built here. There is more, there is more, there is always more. Go while you can. That is what my spirit whispers to me.

I don’t have any sage words to share today (or possibly ever. I suppose that’s a matter of opinion.) but I do hope that if the way you are living is depleting you rather than feeding you, you can recognize it and understand that you are still in control- you can choose to do something different. I did, and I am more at peace than I’ve been in years. Getting in touch with who you are, who you really are, is always a rewarding thing.

Sacred Space

January 20th: Sacred Space

For so many years of my life, I was rootless and wild, which had its upsides- I can’t imagine a youth of conformity and structure, and if that sounds appealing to you, we are clearly different kinds of people. But there were downsides, too, one of which was that I often had no space of my own at all, let alone a particular one I carved out and called sacred. Often, I was lucky just to have a twin bed to sleep in with my daughter, and a room filled with belongings that weren’t my own.

I suppose back then that my car was my sacred space. I have so many happy memories of driving around with my windows down, singing at the top of my lungs, just feeling free and delirious with the possibilities stretched out before me. With a little money for gas and a car that ran, I could go anywhere I wanted, and I did. I had nothing but time, it seemed like.

That kind of freedom grows exhausting, though. It involves a lot of maneuvering, asking for favors, depending on the kindness of friends, being very, very poor. I grew up a bit and could see the benefit of being self-reliant and stable. So, I did that. Grudgingly at first, but over time, I’ve mellowed and come to enjoy this different kind of freedom.

One of the things I like the best about my life now is my morning routine, and the sacred space I have created for myself right here in my very own little house. My cushions, my candles, my crystals and incense. The time I spend every day in prayer and meditation, giving thanks for my countless blessings and anchoring myself in my body, to my breath, is something I never grow tired of. It feels different every single day.

I am not suggesting that you start praying and meditating immediately (unless you want to, of course) just because that is what I do…but I do think everyone should have a space that is sacred and meaningful to them, and a time each day to spend on themselves in whatever way feeds their spirit.

I wake up very early every morning and make this time for myself, but I don’t have to force it. This is just what works best for me. I spend time writing, reading, praying, and meditating, and it is the way I prefer to start my day. It’s a sacred time spent in my own sacred space.

Through this creation of time for myself, I have come to know myself in a way that I never did before. Investing in myself through a lot of hard work over the past years has paid off in a big way- now I have the time, the space, the security in life to dig into what suits me best. I can honestly say that the majority of my life and time is full of things and people and places I truly love and enjoy. I had to get through the hard parts to arrive here, but I never stopped trying, not even sure what it was I was reaching for. I knew it when I found it. And once again, I feel delirious with the possibilities spread out before me. That much is still true- perhaps now more than ever.

Create a space that is sacred and meaningful to you. Invest in yourself, in knowing yourself well and caring for your life in every aspect. Work hard when it is time to do so, understanding that this is how we get to the easy parts- through the hard parts. And if your life is nothing but hard parts and things don’t seem to ever improve, it might be time to take a closer look at what the trouble is. I know for me, it was always, always me, standing in my own way.

Confidence

November 10th: Confidence

A few months back, I turned a bit too early to go down an alley and smashed up the rear passenger door of my car. Prior to that, I was highly confident in my ability as a driver. At 44, I had never been in an accident- especially one so stupid, that was totally my own fault! To make matters worse, as I was maneuvering my car around, seconds before I hit the short little pole, I had been thinking to myself “Dammit, I’m a good driver!”

Well…maybe not quite as good as I thought, huh? After the little incident happened, I found that my faith in my own driving skills faltered quite a bit. I was nervous when I backed out of my driveway, slow when I pulled into a parking spot, jumpy when I needed to angle my car around my garbage cans on trash day.

Some time has passed now- I got the door repaired, and I’m not nervous anymore like I was right after it happened. I am a bit more cautious, though, and not nearly so cocky.

This is a good illustration, on a smaller scale, of many instances where my confidence was shaken. When someone you love and trust hurts or betrays you, you feel foolish, and for a while it’s hard to trust again. But after a while, you heal, and you allow yourself to love and trust someone new…but it takes time and with the wisdom you gained in the past, you are more discerning.

After a gazillion years (it seemed like anyway) of dealing with my own addiction and relapses, the last time I got clean, I didn’t have any confidence that it would last. It took a long, long time for me to trust myself. Over the past five years, through lots of hard work, soul searching, brutal honesty, growth, change and consistent effort, I can tell you this: I have never liked myself more than I do today. I have never needed the approval of others less. I have never had less worries, I have never thought harder about or been more careful with my words and actions. In short, I am the most confident I have ever been in my life.

But I am not over-confident. I know that who I am now did not come easy. I know that who I was before is not someone I ever care to be again. And I know that she and I are one and the same- opposite sides of the same coin. I don’t fear returning to that person, exactly…but I am certainly aware at all times, probably more than anyone would ever guess, that she existed. That she exists, to some extent, inside of me.

The confidence I have today has nothing to do with my appearance. It doesn’t depend on the opinions of other people. It doesn’t change because of something unkind someone says about me. It is built on a solid foundation of trust, grown over time. I know I will keep showing up. I know I will do the right thing. I know that when I am wrong, I can own up to it, and say I’m sorry. I know who I am, and I have faith in that person. And it may have taken me a long time to get here, but I earned my spot. That feels really good to me.

I hope that you understand and believe, on a deep level, that your worth has nothing to do with physical beauty. Beauty fades. But there is nothing more captivating than a woman or man who is confident in their own ability to handle whatever life throws at them. If you are striving for something, let it be inner strength, faith in yourself, and belief in your ability to achieve whatever you want in life. I’ve never felt anything better than the security of knowing I am safe in my life because I can trust myself. I wish I had known this a long time ago. But I know it now, and I wish it for you, as well.

Trust

October 29th: Trust

For me, one of the most delightful and empowering milestones I have ever reached was the day when I realized I could trust myself.

That day happened about two weeks ago. I’m not kidding.

I was in the shower one morning, reflecting on a situation that had just occurred the day prior. Basically, I had been seeing this great guy for a few months, but it got…less great, I guess you might say. There were many things that I recognized as things that would not work for me, let’s say, and knowing this, I did what was right for me and I broke it off.

A couple of weeks earlier, I had expressed my concerns to a friend or two, and the basic consensus was- “dating sucks, he sounds awesome, try to make it work.” I allowed myself a brief period of being convinced they were right, sort of panicked and tried to figure out how I could make myself be…I dunno…grateful?

Then I remembered that it was ME in the situation, not them, and only I could decide what did and didn’t work for me- no matter how good it might look on the surface. I went to no one for advice, I made up my mind, and I made a really uncomfortable, awkward phone call. Afterwards, I felt nothing except…relieved. I honestly didn’t give it another thought.

So, in the shower the following morning, I was reflecting on that. Not just the fact that I knew I had made the right call, that I could tell by how light my spirit felt, but by the shocking fact that I had taken my own counsel! I had known myself well enough to know that moving forward in a situation where I was ultimately feeling stifled was not going to magically get better. I had done the exact right thing for me. This was new territory for me, boy, let me tell ya!

Following that, an absolute flurry of decisions started being made. I was drunk with the power of having faith in my own abilities to stand at the helm of my life. I was suddenly sure that I could handle the job. That I was thoughtful and smart and practical enough to choose wisely.

Listen, when you have lived a rather crazy life, marred by whole swaths of time obliterated by black marks of bad choices, trust in yourself does not come easy. It comes after a lot of time and testing. But when that day finally arrives, it is, again, the most delightful and empowering milestone you can reach. And it goes a long way towards loving yourself completely, that’s for sure.

Today, I want you to ask, “Can I trust myself?”. If the answer is “yes, of course!”, then you are one lucky duck! If, however, the answer is “Ehh…I mean, it’s kinda hit or miss.” Or “Sometimes.” Or “Fuck to the no, I am not to be trusted.”, the good news is, based on your response, you can surmise a lot about where you are at right now in your life. The reason that’s good news is that when you know where you are, you can figure out how to get to where you want to be. Remember, wherever you are on your journey, you are permitted- nay, encouraged- to see the good in yourself. If you can do that today, you are doing just fine. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, practicing acceptance and forgiveness, doing your best…and trust will follow. You’ll see!