loneliness | Notes From Elsewhere

November 30^th: Bound

First of all, I missed another day…I didn’t forget, I was just busy with my family. Sometimes we must prioritize.

Today, I am coping with the silence of this house after everyone has gone on their way. For someone like me, who generally enjoys being alone, I find myself a little bit out of sorts. There is nothing quite like knocking around in an empty house after everyone you love has left.

To remedy my loneliness, I called some people I love in hopes of cheering myself up. Instead, I found myself leaving each phone call more worried and sadder than I already was. These are people who are close, very close, to my heart. Both of them are making decisions that I don’t understand, and I know, I just KNOW, that if the situations were reversed, they would be equally as concerned and worried about me.

I hung up the phone and sat in my dark, empty house…unsure what more I could do. There is no one I can call to share these things with, there is no way to help. So, what do I do?

Here’s the thing: Life is hard sometimes. No matter how old we are or what we think we know, there are yet more lessons to be learned. I have often thought that it is more painful to witness someone we love going through a tough time than it is to be going through it ourselves. At least when you are in it, you can do something. When you are a bystander, all you can do is sit helplessly by and watch and wish you could think of the right words to get through to the people you love.

We are, all of us, bound by love to others in this world. It is what gives life to our lives- even someone like me, closed off as I can be, knows that. Sometimes that means sharing in the good things, and sometimes that means…just standing by, ready to be there when you are needed. It means checking in, reminding people of how much they are loved, and how much they matter. Sometimes it means telling hard truths, saying the words “You don’t sound like you’re okay, and I think I know what’s going on.” Sometimes it means rocking the boat a little bit. Sometimes love asks us to be a little more brave and speak up a little louder…even if it makes people defensive or angry. When you love someone, you need to recognize what is needed, and show up.

Today, if there is someone you love who is struggling, I hope you can see it for what it is. Rather than wonder, pick up the phone and let them know you are here. That you see them. That you love them. That even if they can’t talk right now, you’re gonna call again tomorrow, and the day after that, until they can. Life is hard, sometimes. Don’t let your loved ones think they are alone. And if you are hurting…open up when someone reaches out. Even if you’re ashamed or scared. Let someone in. We need each other so much more than we think.

November 11^th: Connection

This afternoon, I had some errands to run. I timed it rather poorly and found myself stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. Luckily, we didn’t have a time frame, so it was no big deal. But we wound up stopping in the tunnel between New Monterey and Old, and that’s when things got funny. Someone started honking their horn, and then someone else, and soon every single car in the tunnel was leaning on their horn. All the people in all of the cars were laughing their heads off. It was just a little thing, but it made all these perfect strangers feel…connected.

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection lately. In the world we live in today, we often substitute social media for real interaction. When someone calls, we let it go to voicemail, preferring to text. I have long, ongoing conversations with people over messenger, but the truth is…sometimes I need to hear the voice of my friends. I need to see their faces, watch their expressions, hear them laugh.

In my line of work, as a medical coder, I review anywhere between 80 to roughly 100 emergency room charts per day- about a days’ worth of patients for our ER. Out of those, I would say about 15 on average are people suffering a mental health crisis. Of those 15, nearly half, if not more, are young people. Sometimes startlingly young. Lots of times.

I have seen a sharp rise in these charts over the past few years. Maybe I’m just working faster, maybe I’m just paying attention, but…I don’t know. I have a hunch that there’s more to it than that. I have a bad feeling it has something to do with the way we are living- so much of our lives with our faces glued to screens, so little time doing the stuff that makes a life feel…like living.

When I sit here and I stare at this screen all day, with lots of breaks to stare at my other, littler, phone screen…at the end of the day, I just feel empty. I feel like…what did I just do with my day? But when I do what I did this past weekend- work on the house, meet a bunch of girls at a meetup just to visit, read a book, have lunch with my boss at her house to meet her new great-grandbaby, and play with her two year old great grandson- when I sit down and share a meal and a conversation, and I connect with people…I feel full. I feel seen. I feel energized and happy, and my day feels like it was well spent.

I can’t imagine that children, with their curious minds and their newness, their thirst to learn and grow, are very different. If anything, they need more connection than we do. I think not giving that to them affects their mental health, I really do. I think it affects ours. I don’t have any proof. I haven’t researched it or checked my facts. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I think it might have some merit.

Today, if you feel so inclined, I encourage you to start thinking of some ways that you can make more time for connection in your life. Meet a friend for coffee or to go for a walk. When the phone rings (if it’s not, you know, an unknown number- never answer those!) answer it. Someone might need to hear your voice. If you have kids, turn off the TV and read together, or draw, or play a game. Think about the things you remember lovingly from your childhood and do that. Maybe put your phone on the charger and let it just be a phone for an hour or two. Candy Crush will still be there when you get back. This is advice I certainly need to take myself, and I intend to. It won’t be easy…but I think it’s important.