Tag Archives: love

Ubuntu

November 21st: Ubuntu

So, if you have no idea what that word means, you are not alone. Pardon me while this gets a little bit weird, won’t you?

I woke up this morning, and as I was standing there, groggy and bleary eyed, trying to gather the things to make coffee, I noticed that the word “ubuntu” was repeating itself over and over in my head. Not only was it repeating itself, but I could see it, spelled out, in my mind. I did not have the first clue what that word meant, or even if it was a word at all.

So, I got my coffee going and I did what anybody would do when they want to find something out- I googled it. “What is ubuntu?” I typed out. Much to my disappointment, I learned that it was some kind of computer operating system or something. I scrolled for a bit, thought it over, and tried again- “meaning of the word ubuntu”.

And there it was. Apparently, it’s a South African word that means a quality that includes the essential human virtues; compassion and humanity. From what I gather, it is something like…I cannot be happy when I am making someone else unhappy. I cannot truly be happy in the presence of suffering. I am one piece of the collective whole…my actions matter. It is the quality of being human, expressing warmth. It is the divine spark of goodness inherent within each being.

So…that’s kinda weird, right? Not the concept, the concept is amazing. I mean the fact that this word found its way into my head this morning. I wondered if perhaps it was part of a meditation I’d done in the past, but I tried searching for it and couldn’t get an answer. Either way, it’s pretty obscure. And pretty cool.

Especially when I tell you this: Last night, I stopped by the store to grab a rotisserie chicken and on my way in, a homeless man outside stopped me. “Can you help me out with some food?” He asked. I paused, surprised. Normally I’m asked for money, so this was different. “What kind of food?” I asked. “I don’t know…maybe some bread and lunch meat?”

So, I didn’t hesitate. I was happy to do it. Normally, I wouldn’t even talk about something like this because, to me, announcing a nice thing you’ve done just takes all of the good out of it. I’m only bringing it up because it fits into all of this. Cam and I went into the store and we had a ball. We got bread, roast turkey, a hot chicken quarter from the deli (plus my rotisserie chicken, of course). We got brownies, mayo, mustard…just a bunch of stuff for this guy.

At the end, when I paid for it, I got a little twinge. I felt like maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m trying to save money, it’s the holidays, I’ve been spending too much…but nevertheless, I felt good when I handed him the bag. Cam asked why I was smiling, and I said “Because it makes me feel good. No one should have to go hungry.”

I allowed myself to worry a little as I fell asleep last night, though. I need to be more responsible, etc., etc.

This morning, I woke up with this word in my head. I think it was a sign that I did exactly what I was supposed to do, to be honest. I think it had more than one meaning, honestly, but for now, let’s stick to this one.

When I logged into my bank account this morning, I saw that a check for a few hundred dollars had been deposited into my account. Imagine that.

There are forces at work in our lives that are far bigger than we are. So many things, both seen and unseen, that move us along our paths. When someone asks for help, give it if you are able. You and I are both part of the collective whole…what we do matters. It matters more than we might ever grasp on this plane of existence. Believe that all will be well, that all things work out as they are meant to and be one of the helpers. Never entertain doubt that your efforts are wasted or unwise. I have a feeling they mean a great deal.

Family

November 12th: Family

I had planned to write something totally different today, but time got away from me, and by the time I sat down here (just now) I realized that I am way too full and sleepy to do justice to the topic I had been feeling like writing.

So now you’re getting this.

Riding on the tail of yesterday’s post, I really did take my own advice and make more of an effort to connect with my kids today. The minute I was off work, I had Cam come help me, and together we made two stunning little meat loaves, real mashed potatoes, and green beans. She’s been helping me out a lot in the kitchen…tonight, when she didn’t seem to want to, I came clean. I told her that I didn’t technically need her help, but that I just wanted to spend time with her. “If you don’t want to help, though, you don’t have to.”

She took off for a minute, but she soon wandered back, and helped with every step. While the meat loaf was baking and the potatoes were boiling, I sat down for a break. She asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee, which I did not, but…I thought about what I wrote yesterday, and I agreed to it. It was fun.

We ate a nice meal together (I was SHOCKED to see her grub down two helpings of meatloaf filled with peppers and onions!), chatted a lot, and after dinner, we called Aisley, my first favorite child, and filled her in on our night. It was the second time today that I called her, which is not unusual at all.

I love my kids. I love the little family I created. It’s amazing how someone who had no idea what the hell she was doing managed to bring such wonderful humans into the world. It’s kind of a miracle, honestly.

The family I started out with is scattered and missing some of its most important members. My grandparents, who I worshipped, have been gone for such a long time. My uncle died just over a year ago. My mom is far away. My dad and I are not as close as we could be. If it weren’t for my girls, I think my life would be very lonely. But I have them, and I’m so glad.

Family is very important, I think. I know not everyone has a wonderful family- there were times when I wasn’t able to provide much of one for my kids, for sure. But I had great friends who played all kinds of roles, and I learned that family doesn’t have to be blood, or look a certain way, for it to be just as valuable and anchoring. Family are the people who hold you up when you are struggling, the ones who check in, the ones who will tell you the truth even when it is hard. Your family, whether they share your DNA or not, are the ones who know who you are and love you anyway.

So, if you are reading this, I hope that you will take a minute to appreciate the family you have, whoever they are. Even if they get on your last nerve and you’ve heard all their stories five thousand times, be grateful for the ones who love you dearly. That kind of love is priceless. If you don’t believe me, think about what the world would feel like without them in it…sad, isn’t it? It might not be ideal, your family- we all have our shit, you know. But, for me at least, my family is the very best part of my life.

Wonder

November 3rd: Wonder

This morning, as I sat down to meditate, my head kept filling itself with visions of the life that awaits me just down the road. Moonlight on snow, a sky full of stars, the distinct, salty scent of the Atlantic Ocean. I would chase the thoughts away, return to my breath, and just as quickly, more pictures would dance through my head- crackling fires in a cozy living room, June Saturday’s that are greener than the greenest thing you’ve ever seen, ferry boats and navy seas, lighthouses and briny air.

In my chest, my heart stirred and swelled with excitement, anticipation, and…wonder. I know that my breath was supposed to be my anchor, that I was not really supposed to be delighting quite so much in those daydreams- not then, anyway, not during meditation…but so what? Maybe today, that was exactly the meditation that I needed.

How often, as adults, do we get swept away with wonder? Less and less, it seems, at least for me. Our lives and our routines are not constructed in such a way to leave much room for moments where we simply marvel at the deliciousness of life. And even if we did have a few moments to spare, minutes we didn’t feel obligated to use up folding laundry or pulling up the garbage cans from the curb, more than likely we’d spend them with our eyes glued to our phone screen.

Quite frankly, I think that’s just sad. I think we all ought to work a little bit harder to bring that sense of wonder into our lives. I mean seriously, what in the hell is the point, even, of a life that is spent simply trying to survive? And if not trying to survive, then we are trying to get to the next level, then the next, then…then what? Then we’re old, and we die rich if we’re lucky?

Pardon my language, but FUCK that. When I think about this move looming in the future for me, I’m not thinking about work or establishing a routine or leveling up or checking my Instagram. I’m thinking of the joy of discovering new places, the memories I might get to make, the adventure I will have. I am thinking about rainstorms and laughter, new friends I might make and stories to tell. I am thinking about all of the things that, for me, make a life worth living. And that…that fills me with wonder.

Today, think about the last time you were filled with wonder. Was it a particularly perfect sunset? A breathtaking full moon? Maybe it was staring at the face of your sleeping child or turning a corner to find a view that just stopped you dead in your tracks. Maybe it was just a shaft of sunlight dancing across the floor. Think about how it made you feel, and how you really ought to have moments like that every single day, at least once. Then ask yourself how. How can you invite that sense of anticipation, awe, and joy to show up? What can you do? The answer will be different for each of us, but for sure it is in there somewhere. When it comes to you, listen.

Fleeting

November 1st: Fleeting

Last night, I was poised to do what I always do on Halloween- stay home to wait for the one or two kids that come tripping up my stairs in their sparkly costumes, shyly whispering “Trick-or-Treat!” as they hold out their bags. And really, as much as I do enjoy this, it’s more an excuse to not have to walk the streets for hours at night- after all, I get up around 3 every morning, so by the time I get off work at 5, I’m tired.

Last night, that was my intention. Let dad take Camryn like he usually does, and I can sit here on my couch and wait, munching on the candy that is meant for the trick-or-treaters, and finally getting some time to read my book.

But…something occurred to me while I was helping Cam get ready last night. Actually, that isn’t right- what happened was, it occurred to that I wasn’t helping Cam get ready last night. She didn’t need my help. I offered, and she didn’t even want my help. She had it. She drew on her own kitty nose, and her own whiskers, put on her own mascara, and her own lipstick. The only thing she needed help with was her tail, and anyone might need help with that.

I thought to myself ‘how many more times?’. How many more Halloweens will she be so excited about the day from the minute she wakes up? How many more years will she wait, in agony, for it to be the right time to start knocking on doors? How long before deciding what to be this year is a months-long dilemma? How long before she doesn’t even want one of her embarrassing parents to tag along with her, let alone both of us?

And so, just like that, I changed the plan. I lit all seven of the pumpkins we’d carved and left a basket full of candy on the top step, and I tagged along. I’m so glad I did. I spoke with neighbors I’ve never met, and visited with ones I know, people who have seen Camryn grow these past five years. I saw darling little old ladies in Witch hats, and the guy who wears the ape mask every year when he hands out candy. But most importantly of all, I was there to watch my little girl…well, be a little girl.

Here’s the thing- as humans, we have this weird ability to trick ourselves into thinking that the way things are is the way they will always be. I think it is probably a coping mechanism that has to do with ignoring our own mortality or something. Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s just because we don’t see very well the things that are most often in front of us. But it is an illusion. Time waits for no one, as the saying goes. We age, our children grow up and change, time marches on. It happens gradually, sure, but one day- one Halloween, one birthday, one first day of school…everything is different. Your role will change, and you find yourself looking back longingly at the very same things you once grumbled about- or at the very least, silently wished you could pawn off on someone else.

Today, as we start rolling full force into the holiday season, I hope that you can find a way to engage wholeheartedly, so that there is meaning in it for you. If you have children, be mindful that the atmosphere you create becomes the memories they carry for life. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just warm, loving. If you don’t have children, or if they are grown, or if you are the child and your family is not a safe place to land…remember, you still deserve to slow down, to show up for yourself, and to create beautiful memories. With a little imagination and creativity, there are so many ways to celebrate, to give and receive the abundance of love we all have. Wherever you might be, whoever you are, remember- life is precious and fleeting. Make the most of it.

Immovable

October 29th:  Immovable

I want to talk about something a little different today.

In our lifetimes, there are many, many things we get to have a say in- we can choose anything from what career we pursue, to the type of cereal we eat in the morning, to what faith resonates with us.

There are, however, some things which do not allow us the luxury of choice.

We can’t choose to be healthy when we are sick, for instance. We can’t choose not to have a chronic illness, such as diabetes or depression or even ADHD. We aren’t asked permission from our loved ones, or from God, when our loved ones die. We can’t truly even choose not to grieve a loss, not really- it comes out, one way or another. We can’t choose to go back in time and fix our mistakes. Things like these just are.

These things are immovable. Big, looming, cold, hard facts that we must live with.

It’s neither wrong nor right to rail against these things- after all, they suck! They are unfair! It isn’t right, it’s total bullshit, you hate it, and you’re pissed! And sad. And angry. It’s understandable. We’ve all been there.

But we can’t live there. I mean, we can, I guess, but it’s better if we don’t.

I was faced with a little bit of this last night. Something happened- not to me directly, but to someone I love- that was utter bullshit. It just broke my heart. The thing is, there is not a single thing I can do about it. Not a single thing they can do about it either.

The only thing I can do is work with what is. Here are the circumstances, now how can I deal with them the most effectively? By crying and stomping my feet and saying, “This just isn’t fair!”? Or by taking a deep breath, straightening my spine, and saying “Okay. This is how it is, so what can I do to make it as bearable as possible?”

Because even when we don’t have a choice about immovable things, we have a choice in how we show up. Fighting something that cannot be changed is useless and a waste of energy. This morning, when I sat down to pray, I asked the Universe to help me be the person this loved one needs today. Help me show up as a safe place, a strong role model, a comfort. Let me be gentle, loving, soft around the edges. I cannot change these things, but I can ease them a little, perhaps.

Today, I encourage you to take a good look at where your energy goes. You only have so much to give, and if you are pouring it all into fighting something immovable, you are wasting your time. I suppose this is also acceptance, but it is also more than that. It is learning to live in harmony even with the hard things, the painful things. Work with what you’ve got instead of working against yourself, wishing things were different, and see if it doesn’t feel better. If I’m wrong, you can pick up the fight again tomorrow. That’s the way immovable things are, after all.