Tag Archives: seasons

Merry & Bright

December 24th: Merry & Bright

I am not a religious person by any means, but I must confess, I do love the story of Christmas. The idea of Jesus being born, sent here to right things by a God who loves us all so much. What a beautiful thing to believe. Although I will probably never be one who buys the story myself, I am not opposed to rejoicing for those who do. I do believe God loves us this much, I’ll give you that.

I love the older traditions as well- Winter Solstice celebrations and Yule; a candle lit on the longest night of the year, rejoicing in the return of the sun, recognizing the wheel of the year as it turns. The fabled Wild Hunt, feasting and celebrating with ale and meat and all sorts of merriment.

I love the idea of Santa Claus, too! A twinkly eyed giant in his plush red garb lined with fur, flying through the night sky on a golden sleigh weighed down with toys, laughing with joy as he urges his magical reindeer on through the night! What’s not to love about that?

I love Christmas trees sparkling with light, glimpsed through windows as you drive home in the evening. I love tinsel and snowmen, angels and elves. I love presents wrapped beneath the tree and Christmas carols in the background as cookies bake in the oven. I love snuggling up on the couch to watch movies I’ve seen a hundred times, and seeing my daughter check the calendar each day to make sure the big day is getting closer.

I love all of these things. And this year, for the first time in a long time, I have found myself in a spot where I am able to recognize that I love these things and enjoy all of it. I know how lucky I am, trust me. I have had my fair share of years that were stressful and overwhelming, years when I was dead broke, or heartbroken, sick, messed up, selfish, or any other thing you can think of. I know how hard it can be. Which is why I am so excited that this is not a year like that.

Camryn is nine this year. She still wholeheartedly believes in all the magic of Christmas; she feels it in her bones. I don’t know…this could be the last year for that. So, I am going to enjoy every moment of it, and be grateful that I am present and aware of what a gift that is. As a matter of fact, that might very well be the best thing I get this year, and if it were the only thing, it would be more than enough.

I don’t care too much for presents anymore. I have so much, and if I need something, I can generally take care of it myself. What I want cannot be wrapped up in paper and sat beneath the tree. I want my kids here with me, just hanging out. I want to see the excitement in Cam’s eyes as she wakes to find the cookies gone and sees the stockings full and presents that weren’t there the night before. I want to share her joy and be filled with the contentment that only being with the ones I love most can give to me.

My wish for you this Christmas is that you find your way to the magic of this time of year. Whatever beliefs you hold dear, may they be enough to fill your heart. I hope that you can share your joy with someone who needs it, and if you have none, may someone share theirs with you. And if this year is particularly hard for you, I want you to hang on and remember- there will be years that will be much, much better for you down the road. I can almost guarantee it.

Yesterday & Today

December 7th & 8th : Yesterday and Today

When it is very, very early in the morning- long before most people have risen, and long before the sun decides to make an appearance…I can sit and write and feel like I am telling a secret to a room full of sleeping people. It makes no difference, because no one is listening anyway.

But if I wait too long, I lose my nerve, I suppose.

Also, the day begins to weigh me down. The things I have to do, the things I didn’t get to. It all starts to feel a little heavy to me, and so, by the end of the day I’m not much good to anyone. When you get up as early as I do, the end of the day comes a lot sooner.

I’ll tell you another secret, sleeping people…when it all gets to be too much, do you know what I have been doing lately? I have been scrolling through Instagram, looking at beautiful pictures of snow in Maine. I have an overwhelming desire to look out at the snow. Last night, I spent some time describing it to Camryn- what it is like when the snow falls. The silence, the utter quiet, of a snowy night. You can wake up and, without even looking out the window, know just by the light, by the silence, that the snow has fallen. And when you look up at the sky on a perfect night with the snow an unmarred blanket all around you, if it is clear, the stars look close enough to touch.

My heart is already gone. I am homesick for a place I have never lived. As good as my life is here, I am ready for something new. So, all of my energy and my resources, from this point forward, have to be dedicated to making sure I have the best possible chance of succeeding in giving myself this gift. I absolutely deserve to chase my dreams. We all do.

Is there something you want so badly that you can almost taste it? Some dream that seems inconvenient, but totally possible? What if I told you that inconvenience was a terrible reason not to go for what you wanted? The important things are not easy. We do not learn and grow from the mundane. We cannot stretch the boundaries of who we are by following the path of least resistance. It is, of course, up to you the way you want to live. But for me…the answer IS easy, even if the way forward is not.