strength | Notes From Elsewhere

October 29^th: Immovable

I want to talk about something a little different today.

In our lifetimes, there are many, many things we get to have a say in- we can choose anything from what career we pursue, to the type of cereal we eat in the morning, to what faith resonates with us.

There are, however, some things which do not allow us the luxury of choice.

We can’t choose to be healthy when we are sick, for instance. We can’t choose not to have a chronic illness, such as diabetes or depression or even ADHD. We aren’t asked permission from our loved ones, or from God, when our loved ones die. We can’t truly even choose not to grieve a loss, not really- it comes out, one way or another. We can’t choose to go back in time and fix our mistakes. Things like these just are.

These things are immovable. Big, looming, cold, hard facts that we must live with.

It’s neither wrong nor right to rail against these things- after all, they suck! They are unfair! It isn’t right, it’s total bullshit, you hate it, and you’re pissed! And sad. And angry. It’s understandable. We’ve all been there.

But we can’t live there. I mean, we can, I guess, but it’s better if we don’t.

I was faced with a little bit of this last night. Something happened- not to me directly, but to someone I love- that was utter bullshit. It just broke my heart. The thing is, there is not a single thing I can do about it. Not a single thing they can do about it either.

The only thing I can do is work with what is. Here are the circumstances, now how can I deal with them the most effectively? By crying and stomping my feet and saying, “This just isn’t fair!”? Or by taking a deep breath, straightening my spine, and saying “Okay. This is how it is, so what can I do to make it as bearable as possible?”

Because even when we don’t have a choice about immovable things, we have a choice in how we show up. Fighting something that cannot be changed is useless and a waste of energy. This morning, when I sat down to pray, I asked the Universe to help me be the person this loved one needs today. Help me show up as a safe place, a strong role model, a comfort. Let me be gentle, loving, soft around the edges. I cannot change these things, but I can ease them a little, perhaps.

Today, I encourage you to take a good look at where your energy goes. You only have so much to give, and if you are pouring it all into fighting something immovable, you are wasting your time. I suppose this is also acceptance, but it is also more than that. It is learning to live in harmony even with the hard things, the painful things. Work with what you’ve got instead of working against yourself, wishing things were different, and see if it doesn’t feel better. If I’m wrong, you can pick up the fight again tomorrow. That’s the way immovable things are, after all.

October 29^th: Trust

For me, one of the most delightful and empowering milestones I have ever reached was the day when I realized I could trust myself.

That day happened about two weeks ago. I’m not kidding.

I was in the shower one morning, reflecting on a situation that had just occurred the day prior. Basically, I had been seeing this great guy for a few months, but it got…less great, I guess you might say. There were many things that I recognized as things that would not work for me, let’s say, and knowing this, I did what was right for me and I broke it off.

A couple of weeks earlier, I had expressed my concerns to a friend or two, and the basic consensus was- “dating sucks, he sounds awesome, try to make it work.” I allowed myself a brief period of being convinced they were right, sort of panicked and tried to figure out how I could make myself be…I dunno…grateful?

Then I remembered that it was ME in the situation, not them, and only I could decide what did and didn’t work for me- no matter how good it might look on the surface. I went to no one for advice, I made up my mind, and I made a really uncomfortable, awkward phone call. Afterwards, I felt nothing except…relieved. I honestly didn’t give it another thought.

So, in the shower the following morning, I was reflecting on that. Not just the fact that I knew I had made the right call, that I could tell by how light my spirit felt, but by the shocking fact that I had taken my own counsel! I had known myself well enough to know that moving forward in a situation where I was ultimately feeling stifled was not going to magically get better. I had done the exact right thing for me. This was new territory for me, boy, let me tell ya!

Following that, an absolute flurry of decisions started being made. I was drunk with the power of having faith in my own abilities to stand at the helm of my life. I was suddenly sure that I could handle the job. That I was thoughtful and smart and practical enough to choose wisely.

Listen, when you have lived a rather crazy life, marred by whole swaths of time obliterated by black marks of bad choices, trust in yourself does not come easy. It comes after a lot of time and testing. But when that day finally arrives, it is, again, the most delightful and empowering milestone you can reach. And it goes a long way towards loving yourself completely, that’s for sure.

Today, I want you to ask, “Can I trust myself?”. If the answer is “yes, of course!”, then you are one lucky duck! If, however, the answer is “Ehh…I mean, it’s kinda hit or miss.” Or “Sometimes.” Or “Fuck to the no, I am not to be trusted.”, the good news is, based on your response, you can surmise a lot about where you are at right now in your life. The reason that’s good news is that when you know where you are, you can figure out how to get to where you want to be. Remember, wherever you are on your journey, you are permitted- nay, encouraged- to see the good in yourself. If you can do that today, you are doing just fine. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, practicing acceptance and forgiveness, doing your best…and trust will follow. You’ll see!