surrender | Notes From Elsewhere

December 18^th: Best Laid Plans

I had really hoped to be able to write something, even something small, every day here.

Unfortunately, life being what it is, sometimes circumstances change and things get weird. I am in the midst of such a time right now.

I think…honestly, I think I’m a little bit traumatized from seeing my friend lose her mom the other day. I feel awful even saying that, because obviously it was the worst thing that ever happened to her, and how lucky am I that I got to go home that night and…I guess what I mean is that she can’t escape the pain, and I get to go back to my normal life.

But the truth is, nothing is ever that simple. When you are witness to something like that, it is not just so easy to shrug it off. I’m kind of…I take things pretty hard, I guess. Basically, I haven’t been myself this past few days.

Combine that with Christmas preparations and the fact that, for the first time I’ve started my ADHD meds, I’ve run out completely and so have the pharmacies…I’m just not up to snuff. It’s not so bad. Most of my Christmas stuff is done, and the without the medication, I’m just a bit more scattered and a lot less productive. And perhaps I have a terrible headache, but I can’t say that it’s related.

My point is, sometimes you just have to surrender. You just shrug and say, welp, guess this is how it is right now. That’s kind of where I am right now.

I hope that, when life piles up on you like it does sometimes, that you have the ability to surrender. To realize that sometimes you just have to go with the flow, because fighting it will only make things worse. Sometimes our best laid plans just don’t work out, and that’s okay- for you and for me, too. I’ll be back soon.

November 2^nd: Slack

Do you ever have days where just everything goes wrong?

Of course, you do! what am I saying? You’re human, after all.

Well, today has been kind of like that for me… I mean, not everything has gone wrong, but it is still early. I’m neck deep in what I have now coined the “volatile cocktail” phase of my monthly cycle. It’s anyone’s guess what will set me off, make me cry, or throw me into a panic attack, so…that’s pretty exciting.

I dragged out my morning procrastinating, kicked a cat dish across the room (by accident) and really hurt my toe. I accidentally hit my dog in the nose with a spoon. I yelled at the same dog because she wouldn’t stop staring at me. I ran out of hot water for my bath. All relatively minor things on their own, but when you add it all up…it’s still minor, I guess. But I’m not feeling particularly centered or spiritual or helpful today.

So, guess what? I’m not going to fight it. I’m not going to fight with myself or try to force myself to feel anything different. Remember that post about acceptance? Well, that includes accepting myself on days like today, when I’m the Medusa version of me, too. I love myself, even today. Even when I’m a lump of flesh laying in bed at two in the afternoon.

Sometimes you just have to let go of your plans for the day, let go of expectations, let go of the to-do list, and cut yourself a little slack. And not give yourself a hard time over it, either.

Today, if you happen to feel a little hormonal, perhaps, or just can’t seem to get things to go your way, I hope you can cut yourself some slack, too. I hope you can love your Medusa self, even when she (or he) is not very lovable. I think we should both just take a nap, what do you think? A little nap, some comfort food, maybe a cup of tea…I bet we’ll feel better by evening.