trust yourself | Notes From Elsewhere

January 25^th: Humbled

I know I have missed a few days this week, and it’s because I’ve been working on something really important- my actual life. There have been some things that desperately needed my attention, and so I decided to prioritize those things and get them sorted out. When I am depleted physically or spiritually, I don’t have much to offer in the way of inspiration. When my mind is cluttered with noise and full of meaningless worries and judgements, it doesn’t leave a lot of space for the good stuff. I think it’s a really good idea to take a step back, often, and surmise if your life is rolling along as you want and to make adjustments where they are needed. That’s what I’ve been doing.

But that isn’t what I want to write about today, not exactly. Although it is true that since I’ve decided to stop keeping up on the ultra-depressing and hysteria-inducing news, I’ve been gifted with remembering that the doom and gloom we are force-fed by the media is really just one perspective of the world and reality. I’ve been consciously choosing to tune out the negativity and take in a little more goodness, and guess what? The world hasn’t ended. No one has mocked me for my ignorance of current events. More importantly, I feel better.

MOST importantly, when there is less room for the negative, there’s a lot more room for the positive. What we focus on is what we attract, or, if that’s too hard for you to swallow, then what we focus on is what we tend to see. You can’t argue with that. Lately, I’ve noticed that there is a lot more good in the world than bad. That people are still ready to be kind and friendly if you give them the chance. Most of us want to help. Most of us want to smile back, say thank you, lend a hand.

It’s a giant planet we live on, full of wonderous things. There are probably many things in your own city or town or area that you have yet to see. There are amazing people you haven’t met. There are sunrises and sunsets, full moons and forests, stars and beaches and mountains. And you are a human being with a perfect soul and more potential, more adventure and stories within you than you could ever imagine. You have no idea what the future holds.

Today, I hope that you can take in what I’ve just said and allow yourself to be humbled. By the incredible gift of your life and the power you have to make of it anything that you desire. You might say that you don’t believe it, but that doesn’t change that it’s true. People with seemingly insurmountable challenges have made history…why should you be any different? And, if you just aren’t feeling that ambitious, all the same…go outside today, and take in something beautiful. Sit at a coffee shop and observe people talking, laughing, falling in love, or simply connecting. Tell me that isn’t a wonder, the way we need each other, or the way that we are soothed and awed by beautiful things. It’s a necessary thing, I think, to be struck wide-eyed by the beauty around us-whether it’s an ordinary thing we see every day that suddenly comes into sharp focus, or an extraordinary thing we might never see again. The end result is the same- it changes us, at least for a while. May you find yourself humbled by something beautiful today.

November 18^th: Time

There is something incredibly liberating about being a single woman in her forties. I’m not just saying that so you won’t feel sorry for me, either- I mean it!

I spent the better part of my life chained to my addiction problems, convinced I had time, I had time, I had time to fix all of it. Prior to that, I was a kid with trauma I didn’t even recognize as such, starved for approval and acceptance and wanting to be loved…and if I couldn’t be loved, I at least wanted to be cool, to fit in.

When I finally got clean, I signed myself right up for a whole new set of directions for how to live my life in a 12-step program, and that worked really well for me…until it didn’t anymore. At a certain point, I got very strong, and very clear that, for me, rehashing my past and confirming over and over again that I was an addict was no longer healing me but keeping me stuck. I know that this is not the case for everyone, but we are talking about me right now, and this is not up for debate. (This is another wonderful thing about being who I am today- boundaries)

I set myself free at the beginning of the year and decided I would figure out my life on my own because I trusted myself to be capable of that. What I discovered about myself in the following months were some incredible things. I discovered that focusing on who I am today rather than who I was five years ago made me capable of forgiving myself in a way that I hadn’t been able to before. I discovered that I am not doomed to repeat history, that I have healed. And I discovered that I spent an awful lot of time trying to reach goals that I didn’t even really want.

Now, how crazy is that? To work your tail off to get to a place you don’t even particularly want to be? Not that there was anything wrong with those places, mind you, but they weren’t for me- maybe they were close to what I wanted, but they weren’t what I really wanted. Why in the world would anyone want to live that way?

Well, the answer is pretty simple, and I think we all do this. I aimed for other things because I didn’t believe in my heart of hearts that I was capable of achieving the things I truly wanted. The minute this really sank in, I decided I wasn’t going to live that way anymore.

Because I just do not have time. I am 44 years old, and the time for meandering is gone. This is IT. This is the first time in my life when I have both the means and the wisdom to go after my dreams with a real chance of succeeding. And if I don’t? Well, at least I will know that I gave it a shot. That will be enough for me. Had I gone after all these smaller, secondary things; I’d just be wondering ‘what if?’ I am not the kind of person who would take that in stride.

So, what is so great about being a single woman in her forties, you want to know? I am blessed to have a keen awareness of time these days. I know that I do not have forever. None of us have forever, but when you are very young, you truly have no sense of your own mortality, and maybe that’s how it should be. But I do now. And it drives me to take more risks, to do bigger things, to not worry so much about how I look or what other people think. I am more concerned with how I feel and what I think, and that is a wonderful thing.

Today, if you are reading this, I want you to understand that every minute of every day is a precious gift. Stop wasting it. You do not have time to hate yourself, or time to squander on lesser dreams. This is it! This is your life, happening right now. Go for the things you truly want, reach for the life that you envision that seems so far beyond your reach- because you have no idea what you are capable of until you try. Don’t count yourself out before you’ve ever taken a shot. Don’t wait. Start right now.