leap of faith | Notes From Elsewhere

October 31^st: Fear

Ha, I just realized this is a perfect topic for Halloween! Fear! But, as I stood brushing my teeth a few minutes ago, wondering what I was supposed to write about today, and the word “Fear” popped into my head, it wasn’t the monsters-lurking-under-the-bed type of fear that was calling to me. It was more the “Oh my God, what am I even doing?!” type.

You see, even earlier this morning, I booked two round trip flights from SFO to Boston Logan for my daughter and I, for March, to go look at possible places in Maine…or possibly New Hampshire…where we might want to live when we move next year.

I think what this did was, it made it a little more real for me. It’s one thing to daydream about something in a far-off, someday kinda way. To talk about it, say it like you mean it, picture it in your head. It’s another thing entirely to take steps towards that idea becoming a reality. And that is what I am doing- not just making plans but following through.

Now suddenly…I am kind of freaking out. Here are some things that popped into my head after hitting the “complete your flight reservation” button.

“What if there is a snowstorm and I’m too scared to drive?”

“What if I hit black ice and kill both of us?”

“What if it turns out that I HATE the cold?”

“What if I run out of money?”

“What if…what if I am making the worst mistake of my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE?!”

You see how that snowballed? (no pun intended, but absolutely delighted by it anyway)

So, here’s what I have to say to myself: If there is a snowstorm, you don’t have to drive. You’ll make alternate plans. You can’t control black ice, but you can drive slowly and when it’s light out, and you will be cautious. If you hate the cold, guess what? No one is forcing you to do ANYTHING. You are allowed to change your mind. You will not run out of money. And the worst mistake of your life? Seriously? Have you forgotten where you came from? Settle down.

It’s normal to be afraid when you are making big, or sometimes even small, changes in your life. There are no guarantees that things will work out the way you want them to. I know this. I also know that sticking with the tried and true, while safer, isn’t the way I envision living my life. Knowing this, it will be necessary to accept that I will have moments of self-doubt and fear. And that’s okay. I will press on anyway.

Today, I hope that if you are being called to take a leap of faith, but you are allowing fear to stop you, you can start to see that your fear is not a red light, but a yellow one- at most. Fear asks us to slow down and pay attention. In most cases, it doesn’t mean to stop completely, to give up, to turn around. Fear is a helper, if you let it be. Rather than run away from it, see if you can acknowledge it, hear what it has to say, and if there is space for both your aspirations and a healthy dose of caution. Just make sure fear isn’t hogging up more room than it should. It likes to spread out when you don’t keep an eye on it.

October 30^th Adventure

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel alive unless I can feel that little spark of joy lit up in my heart. The joy of excitement, adventure, new endeavors, the knowledge of something to look forward to.

When I was young, it was easy to gain access to this spark- there was always a new crush, or a fun outing, or, because I was young, just the newness of life in general that filled me with that rush of fascination and interest.

Then I grew up, and, even though I got a lot more mileage out of my “crazy years” than most, I finally did settle down. I have shown up at the same job for the past eleven years. I have an established routine, times by which kids must be dressed and out the door, times by which I must be at work, clock out, make dinner, go to bed.

I’m not going to pretend that the thrill of conquering the tasks of adulthood mean nothing to me- there is certainly joy to be found in repairing ones credit and paying bills on time. There is definitely joy in financial stability, being insured, not having to use coffee filters for toilet paper until next pay day.

But after a while, and for a long while now, for me, life has been pretty stagnant. A while back, I wound up trying to see if I could buy a house. Much to my surprise, I totally could…only, not here, not in the uber expensive town where I live. I mean, I could, if I were a contractor and didn’t mind living in a shed- which I am not, and I certainly do.

So, I thought I’d move over to a little town in the Sierra Nevada’s where my grandparent’s home still is, which my mother lives in at least part of the time. But one day it hit me- why am I going through all this stuff instead of addressing what I really want to do? And what do I really want to do?

Well, I want to live in New England. Like, really, really bad.

So, I decided to pursue that. And it is actually happening. As soon as I made up my mind and took some steps to go after it, everything started falling into place. Right now, my plan is to stay for one year. One full year in New England, long enough to see every season, long enough to explore many of the things I want to see. What happens beyond that year, I don’t know.

Am I scared? Of COURSE I am! I’m not an idiot. But more than that, I am thrilled. Like, wind in my face, climbing the big hill of the roller coaster thrilled. The possibilities are endless- the friends I might make and the things I might learn. I am wide open, ready to embrace the experience fully. And I feel alive, full of joy, and deeply grateful for the way the Universe seems to want to accommodate me. It’s really pretty spectacular.

Today, ask yourself how long it’s been since you’ve felt truly inspired by your life. Are you going after one thing because it’s easier, when you deeply desire something else? Are you excited about anything? Do you have big plans, something to look forward to? This is the only life you get (as you, anyway). I encourage you to light that fire, take charge, and find your next adventure. Time’s a ticking.